The Witcher
by UltimateWitcherFan
Summary: This is the true, previously untold story of The Witcher, Geralt of Rivia.
1. Part I

**The Witcher: Part I**

 **The Birth of the Witcher**

Somewhere in the universe, there is a planet called Rivia. On Rivia, there is a species not entirely unlike humanity. They live alongside a species who are slightly more unlike humanity. The former kind are known as Muggles. The latter kind are known as witches.

In Rivian society, muggles were seen as a lower class, whereas witches enjoyed the privileges of the upper class. It was more or less a magocracy.

One day, one muggle decided he wanted to not be oppressed by the witches anymore. He decided he would construct a weapon to kill all the witches. Now, this muggle was a chicken farmer. He decided to take his favourite chicken, Geralt, to the Pool of Genetic Engineering.

He dunked his chicken into the pool, and the goddess of Genetic Engineering appeared before him.

"Why hast thou disturbed my sleep?" roared the goddess

"I wish for you to genetically modify this chicken, and make him more powerful than the witches," said the muggle.

"You want me to make him a witch chicken?" said the goddess.

"More powerful than a witch chicken," replied the muggle.

"Make him a witcher chicken." And with that, Geralt of Rivia transformed into a humanoid form.

"Hi," said Geralt to his owner.

"I'm a person now."

"Omg," said the muggle.

"And can you magic?"

"Yup, I can magic. In fact, because I'm a witcher rather than a witch, I can magick," replied Geralt.

"Okay," said the muggle.

"I order you to kill all the witches in the world."

"k," said the witcher. And Geralt of Rivia took off into the sunset. The muggle never saw Geralt again.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART II

GERALT'S MORAL DILEMMA


	2. Part II

**The Witcher: Part II**

 **Geralt's Moral Dilemma**

Using the power of magick, Geralt of Rivia flew across the night sky. He was like a bald eagle. And he was hunting for witches.

Then it occurred to him. He didn't know what a witch looked like or sounded like or smelled like. He decided he would land in a small village on the shore. He looked up at the sign at the entrance. "Muggleshaven Pop: 144"

The Witcher entered the town of Muggleshaven Pop. He wandered into one of the houses.

"Hi there," he said to the sleeping form on the ground. The young woman awoke and backed away, screaming.

"What are you doing in my house?" she said.

"Are you, by any chance, a witch?" asked Geralt.

"No... why would I be? I'm obviously human," replied she.

"Oh, sorry then. What do witches look like?" asked Geralt.

"They have green skin. Are you new around here or something?" But Geralt was already gone.

Green skin, thought Geralt. He launched off and started flying again.

The sun began to rise again, when he saw a glint of green. A witch? He landed and saw a cowering figure hiding behind a rock.

"Don't kill me," came a young voice. A boy, no older than 11, stepped out from behind the rock.

"You are a witch," said Geralt.

"All witches must die. Why do you not want to die?" The witch boy began to stutter.

"People don't don't want to die. That's just how they are." In that instant, Geralt acquired a sense of morality. His purpose was to kill witches, yet the witches did not want to die. It was a moral dilemma. The boy wandered away, while Geralt sat and pondered the purpose of his existence.

Geralt's existential crisis lasted seven days, as he sat at that rock contemplating the universe. The boy returned for Geralt after a week.

"You're still here?" he asked.

"Who am I?" asked Geralt. "What is my purpose?" And then Geralt used magick to summon forth a thunder cloud. "If I have no purpose, then what reason is there for me to continue to exist?"

And then Geralt summoned forth a bolt of lightning, causing a massive explosion. The witch boy used magic to shield himself from the blast. When the explosion had passed, the witch boy walked to the centre of the blast. There were some ashes. It looked as though Geralt's suicide had succeeded.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART III

GERALT OF RIVIA AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE


	3. Part III

**The Witcher: Part III**

 **Geralt of Rivia and the Half-Blood Prince**

Previously on The Witcher:

Geralt suicided by lightning bolt.

Geralt awoke on something white and fluffy. The sky was blue. He looked down. He was lying on a cloud.

"Hello Geralt."

He turned around. There was giant man with a beard wearing white robes.

"Who are you?" asked Geralt. "Where am I?"

"God; Heaven," replied God.

"If I knew there was an afterlife I wouldn't have bothered suiciding," replied Geralt.

"Geralt," said God. "I am going to return you to life."

"But I have no purpose," said Geralt.

"Then I shall give you a purpose," God said. He bought up a hologram of the planet Rivia. "Your world has, since the introduction of the witches, fallen out of balance. You were created to restore balance to the world."

"One way of doing that is to kill all the witches, but for some reason your moral superiority seems to be too important to you, so we'll have to find another solution."

God pointed to a spot on the hologram.

"At this location, there exists an artifact called the Sword of Death. He who wields the Sword of Death will have absolute power over all of Rivia.I choose you to wield that power."

"If you're god, can't you just grab the Sword and restore balance yourself?" asked Geralt.

"Do you want a purpose in life or not?" replied God sternly.

"Okay," said Geralt.

And Geralt was returned to Rivia. He awoke in the smouldering crater of his suicide. He remembered that the Sword of Death was at the northern region of the planet. He cast a magick spell to tell him witch way was north, and then he rose into the air.

After a few days, he came across a massive city. He was going to fly past, but some witches shot some beams of light at him, taking him down.

He awoke in a prison cell.

"He's awake," said a witch man who was standing guard over his cell. "Call the Prince."

A few minutes later, a man who didn't look entirely unlike Alan Rickman entered the cell. His skin wasn't the regular green of most witches. It was more pale.

"My name is... Prince Severus," said the Prince. "And you... are the Witcher. We could tell by the way you were flying. Only magick users can fly."

"What do you want with me?" asked Geralt.

"As you can see... my skin is very pale," said Prince Severus. "It is because I have a rare condition that causes my blood pressure to be half of the norm. That is why they call me... the Half-Blood Prince."

"Anyway, when my men captured you, I decided I would take a blood transfusion from you. Only magick blood can restore my blood pressure to a proper state. And additionally, I will gain the powers of magick!"

Geralt couldn't get away.

He was restrained.

Prince Severus' men stuck some blood transfusion cord thingies into Geralt.

"I am going to take half of your blood," said Prince Severus. "And then, I will use magick to dominate the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART IV

THE ATTACK OF THE CLONES


	4. Part IV

**The Witcher: Part IV**

 **The Attack of the Clones**

Previously, on The Witcher:

The Half-Blood Prince Severus wants a blood transfusion from Geralt, which will give him the powers to rule the world.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt struggled, but he couldn't get free. He tried to break his bonds with magick, but no avail. All of the prince's witches were holding him down.

"Give up," said Prince Severus, as Geralt began to lose consciousness.

Just then, Geralt had a great idea. He used magick to incompletely combust some of the carbohydrate compounds in his blood, releasing carbon monoxide.

And then he fainted.

Prince Severus inserted the transfusion device into his arm, and began to transfer blood. The CO in Geralt's blood acted as a competitive inhibitor to the haemoglobin in Severus' green blood cells. And slowly, Prince Severus lost consciousness.

That was the point when Geralt awoke, recovered from his self-inflicted carbon monoxide poisoning, due to his superior Witcher metabolism. He used magick to break free of his bonds.

"Come back, you criminal scum!" yelled a guard as Geralt of Rivia smashed a window and flew away into the distance.

Geralt was glad to be away from Prince Severus' city. He continued north on his quest to find the Sword of Death. After a few hours, he came across a plane flying through the sky.

He tried to dodge it, but it started firing laser beams at him. He then used magick to fire laser beams at the plane. There was a fight.

And it ended in both parties falling to the ground.

Geralt, covered in his own red blood, staggered towards the plane to see who attacked him. In the plane, a human (nonwitch) man lay slumped in his seat. He wore glasses, now broken from the force of impact. He also had a mustache.

Suddenly, his eyes flickered, and the man awoke.

"Why did you try to shoot me?" asked Geralt.

"Because you are intruding upon my land," said the man.

"This land is my home," he said, pointing out towards the grassy plains.

"Trespassing is prohibited. And its also a breach of privacy for you to go snooping around my home."

"Can't I pass through? This place is the only pass through the Mountains of Death." asked Geralt.

"No," said the man. He climbed out of the wreck of his plane.

"Why do you need all this land anyway?" asked Geralt.

"It is for my family. I have a very high reproductive rate."

"Who are you?" asked Geralt.

"My name... is Heinrich Himmler. And unless you wish to feel my wrath, you should leave now," threatened the man.

"You're just a scrawny human dude," said Geralt.

"You couldn't face me, the Witcher, with my magick!"

"U rekn" said Heinrich Himmler.

And then suddenly there was some mitosis and then there were two Heinrich Himmlers. And then there were four. And then there were eight. And then there were sixteen. This continued until there was an army of Heinrich Himmler clones.

Fortunately for Geralt, conservation of mass is a thing.

The army of Heinrich Himmlers were all about two millimeters tall each. But then they ate some of the grass. And they grew and divided and grew and divided until there was an actual army of Heinrich Himmlers facing Geralt.

"Prepare to die," they said simultaneously.

And then the Heinrich Himmlers were onto Geralt.

He cast as many magick spells as he could to wipe out some of the Heinrich Himmlers, but whenever he killed a bunch, there were always more. There were just too many.

They punched and kicked him and Geralt was beaten and bloody and bruised.

"Never underestimate the power of asexual reproduction," said one of the Heinrich Himmlers, before he punched Geralt in the face and everything went black.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART V

A FLY IN THE OINTMENT


	5. Part V

**The Witcher: Part V**

 **A Fly in the Ointment**

Previously, on the Witcher:

Geralt was attacked by an army of Heinrich Himmlers.

He was .

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt came to a few minutes later. The Heinrich Himmlers had tied him to a tree.

"You know I can magick myself out of these ropes," said Geralt.

"You know I can defeat you in combat," said one of the Heinrich Himmlers. "I'm going to give you the chance to leave," he said. "But never come back."

Geralt had to pass through Himmlers' land. He severed his bonds and reengaged the Himmlers in combat.

But it was no good.

He needed to do something to wipe out all the Himmlers. He thought of the Himmlers' low genetic diversity. If he could do a change to the environment, perhaps they would all be wiped out. Geralt cast a magick spell, and it started to rain.

"Rain? What good would that do against us?" said one of the Himmlers.

And then Geralt cast another magic spell to change the pH of the rain from 7 to 6.5.

The Himmlers began to scream in pain as the reduced pH changed the shape of the active site of enzymes that catalysed metabolic reactions. Because of low genetic diversity, almost all of the Himmlers died. Except for one Himmler, who scrambled to a nearby cave. He came back with a glowing chunk of radium.

"I'm going to induce mutation," said the last Himmler.

And then he mutated a resistance to 6.5 pH.

"You're just gonna give yourself cancer," said Geralt.

"No... I'm not," said the last Himmler, before he mutated into a giant three headed dog.

Geralt cast magick at the dog, slicing off one of its heads. The head grew back. Geralt then realised he needed to slice all three heads off at once. He did so, and then the last of the Himmlers finally fell to the ground, dead.

Geralt then took off north, continuing his journey.

He found himself hungry early the next morning. He decided to stop off at a small town. He entered the Inn.

"Can I have some food please?" he asked the innkeeper.

"Yes... okay... " said the innkeeper. He seemed senile and old and rather jolly."What would you like?"

"Some toast, perhaps. With Marmite maybe?" Geralt said.

"That'll be 50 gold pieces," said the innkeeper.

"I have no money," said Geralt.

And then the innkeeper changed.

His face looked waxy and fake, and in the middle of his face, a hole appeared. Bursting through the hole came another, smaller, more evil face.

"No money! Get out! Get out!"

Geralt ran out of the inn, and he ran into a young man.

"Don't mind my father," he said. "He likes money."

"What's the matter with him?" asked Geralt.

"He was cursed by the evil witch Capitalist McMoney and now he loves money," replied the man.

"I can cure him," said Geralt. "I'm the Witcher. My magick can surely undo the curse."

Then, using his magick, Geralt prepared an ointment for the man to give to his father. It consisted of a mix of dirt, water, and mashed fly. Geralt and the man then walked into the inn.

"Try this ointment," said Geralt.

"Actually, don't," said the son.

"What?" said Geralt. "Don't you want your father cured?"

"He's not my father," said the man.

"George, can you please shut the door?" the man asked the innkeeper.

The innkeeper shut the door and but a bar over it.

And then the man's disguise slowly disappeared. His skin turned green. His humble tunic turned into a grand gold suit.

"My name is Capitalist McMoney," said the witch. "And this is my servant George."

"As a master of capitalism, I am, firstly a master of deceit and disguise," said McMoney, striding across the room. "And I am also a master of mind control and brainwashing."

"What are you going to do to me?" asked Geralt.

"Simple," said McMoney, tossing the curing ointment to the floor and crushing it under his foot, smearing it across the floor.

"First, I'm going to brainwash you, the Witcher and make you mine as I did George."

"And then, I'm going to make you go across the world and convert all societies to capitalism!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART VI

THE WITCH, THE WITCHER, AND THE WITCHEST


	6. Part VI

**The Witcher: Part VI**

 **The Witch, The Witcher and The Witchest**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt was imprisoned by the evil witch Capitalist McMoney. Now McMoney is trying to brainwash Geralt into spreading capitalism throughout the world.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt struggled as he was held down by George. McMoney turned on a projector, and some advertising appeared.

"For the next six hours, you will watch these advertisements. By the end, you will have become a mindless capitalistic slave like George."

"I like money," said George dumbly.

Geralt tried to use magick to escape, but the brainwashing had already gone too far.

"I... want... m-m..." mumbled Geralt.

"You want money!" cackled McMoney.

"I... want... money..." Geralt said finally.

And then, there was a flash of green. Another witch, dressed in red had smashed through the roof with magic, and was now beating up Capitalist McMoney.

The brainwashing had disappeared, and Geralt was sane again.

"My brother..." said McMoney looking at the witch dressed in red. "My brother Communist O'Lenin... and my archenemy..."

Communist O'Lenin was a witch, but he wore a bright red cape and he was also really muscled and heroic. "I am here to denounce your capitalism, brother," said O'Lenin.

He shot a Soviet beam at George. A hammer and sickle appeared on George's forehead. And George was liberated. "Communism ftw," he said.

And then O'Lenin and McMoney started to fight. Geralt sat back, uninvolved in this conflict.

Just then, a beautiful witch woman wearing purple witch robes descended from the hole in the roof and landed daintily on the floor between the two brothers.

"Brothers," said the woman. "Cease this fighting at once."

And then the woman clenched her fists and her brothers fell unconscious.

"My name is Lady Feudalism," she said.

"Geralt," said Geralt. "I'm The Witcher."

"Hello Geralt," said Feudalism. Geralt and Feudalism left the through the hole in the roof.

"I think you're pretty great," said Geralt. "Would you like to join my party? I need people like you who can help me retrieve the Sword of Death."

"Okay," said Lady Feudalism.

Prince Severus scrambled into his father's palace.

"Are you ready to explain how you got carbon monoxide poisoning?" asked the Emperor.

"It was... The Witcher. He tricked me with magick..." said Prince Severus.

"You are a foolish child..." said the Emperor. "What is his... mission?"

"I believe he's travelling to the Palace of Death to retrieve the Sword of Death so he can dominate the world," replied the Prince hastily.

"Has he passed through Himmler's lands yet?" asked the Emperor.

"Yes... Himmler is dead," said the Prince.

"In that case, I must retrieve the Sword of Death first," the Emperor said. He used magic to open a portal to the pool of Genetic Engineering, and the goddess of Genetic Engineering appeared before him.

"What dost thou want?" asked the Goddess.

"I want to be stronger than the Witcher," said the Emperor.

"Why should I help thee?" asked the Goddess.

"Because... if you don't... I will kill you," said the Emperor threateningly. And then he began to force choke the Goddess with magic.

"I will grant thy request," coughed the Goddess. And then the Emperor evolved from a witch into a witcher and then from a witcher into The Witchest.

"Now I possess something greater than magick," said the Emperor. "I have magickek!" cackled the Emperor. And then the Emperor cast a magickek spell to vaporise the Goddess of Genetic Engineering.

"Well done, my father," said Prince Severus, bowing. He then arose and raised his arm in salute. The Emperor lowered his hood.

"Hail Emperor Hitler!" yelled Severus.

And Emperor Hitler smiled at his son.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART VII

CATCHING FIRE


	7. Part VII

**The Witcher: Part VII**

 **Catching Fire**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt gained a new travelling companion, Lady Feudalism. Prince Severus' father is actually the Emperor of the Witches, Adolf Hitler.

The journey continues...

"Here is my city, your grace," said Lady Feudalism, indicating the gates to the great city of Vizima. She had taken to calling Geralt, 'your grace", as she now believed Geralt to be the rightful ruler of Rivia.

"You are the rightful King of Rivia," she had said. "And I am the rightful Queen."

In Vizima, because Lady Feudalism was the ruler, Geralt and her could gather supplies for the journey north. They also gathered an army of men to take with them on their journey north.

"Most great heroes would have rejected the offer of an army on their quest," said Guard Captain Iorverth.

But Geralt seemed just fine taking 50 men with him on his quest. And then they left, continuing on their journey. After a few days of travelling on foot, the men began to complain.

"We aren't getting enough rest," said Iorverth.

"Shut up, peasant," replied Lady Feudalism.

"The men are sick, my lady," said Iorverth. "You're a witch, so you never get sick, but we have to stop, because they are getting seriously ill."

"Is a stop agreeable, your grace?" said Lady Feudalism to Geralt.

"God is counting on me..." said Geralt. "And we are making slow progress as it is... I'll see if I can cure this illness with magick."

Geralt went up to the first sick man. He placed his hand on the man's forehead. It was hot. Not just a fever hot. It was at least 373 K hot.

"I know this illness," said Lady Feudalism. "A human disease called fire. All these men are catching fire."

"What's the cure?" asked Geralt.

"There is no cure. The disease is thought to have been caused by a parasite that enters the brain," replied Lady Feudalism.

"Then I'm going to find this parasite and finish him off," said Geralt.

"That's not how medical treatments work-" said Lady Feudalism.

But it was too late.

Geralt had shrunk himself to the height of a prokaryotic cell, and had walked into the ear of the infected man. He walked slowly through the ear canal of the infected man, and saw a vein nearby. He stabbed it with magick, and jumped in. Inside the blood vessel, it was mostly water.

He swam down the blood vessel, hoping he would eventually reach the brain. Unfortunately, after about five minutes, he ran into a phagocyte. And then he was ingested. The digestive enzymes began to dissolve his skin.

He stabbed his way out using magick, and swam through the cell cytoplasm to the nucleus. And then he reprogrammed the cell's DNA, causing the phagocyte to turn into a biological mini-submarine.

He finally had control of where he was going, so he rode the submarine to the brain. As it happened, when you're the size of a prokaryote, a human brain is a pretty big place.

After a few hours of searching, Geralt finally found the parasite.

"Hello," said Geralt, stepping out of the submarine onto the dry fibrous material of the corpus callosum.

The parasite turned around. The parasite's body was remarkably humanoid.

"What are you doing here?" asked the parasite.

"I'm here to vanquish you," replied Geralt.

"Kill me?" said the parasite.

"It is not against my morals to kill asexually reproducing organisms such as yourself," said Geralt.

"I won't fight you," said the parasite. "I'm a pacifist."

"Then why are you causing the fire disease to my men?" asked Geralt.

"I used to be a humble ground protoctist," said the parasite. "And then this guy, the Emperor I think he was called, reprogrammed me into becoming a brain parasite. It is no fault of mine."

So Geralt tried to reprogram the parasite into becoming a benign protoctist once again. Unfortunately, the magical programming language was unfamiliar to Geralt. It wasn't magic or magick.

It was magickek, a thing Geralt had never heard of before.

"I'm sorry," said Geralt to the parasite. And then Geralt killed the parasite and the parasite was no more. Over the next few days, Geralt managed to eradicate the fire virus from his men. Until Geralt entered the brain of the final infected man, Guard Captain Iorverth.

When he arrived at the corpus callosum, he found the parasite there looked rather unusual. And then the parasite turned around. It was no parasite.

"I've been expecting you," said the Half-Blood Prince, Severus Hitler.

Geralt attacked with magick, but the Prince pinned Geralt down.

"My father just let me have a little of his magickek blood," said Prince Severus.

"And now I am going to kill you and make you dead forever!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART VIII

THE TRIAL OF GRASSES


	8. Part VIII

**The Witcher: Part VIII**

 **The Trial of Grasses**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt entered Guard Captain Iorverth's brain, where he found his old enemy Severus Hitler. Except, now, Prince Severus Hitler had limited amounts of magickek, from a blood transfusion from his father.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt and Severus stood on opposite sides of the corpus callosum fibres. They stared each other down. And then Severus struck with a magickek vaporisation attack.

Geralt dodged, but the attack hit a cluster of important fibres of the corpus callosum.

Those fibres broke.

As Prince Severus continued to shoot vaporisation attacks, the corpus callosum, the bridge connecting the two halves of Iorverth's brain, was slowly being destroyed. And then Prince Severus shot a massive vaporisation beam at the fibres Geralt was standing on.

They broke, causing the entire corpus callosum to break in half.

Geralt flew up, into a blood vessel. Prince Severus followed. After a few minutes, they had exited the brain of the now unconscious Iorverth and were now fighting a full sized battle.

Geralt's men drew their swords upon seeing Prince Severus. And then Prince Severus launched a massive lava attack at Geralt.

All the men ran away (except for Iorverth, because he was unconscious, but luckily, he was dragged to safety by Lady Feudalism).

Geralt and Prince Severus duelled. Evenly matched, the duel lasted at least fifteen minutes. Towards the end, both men began to tire.

But Geralt, in one final burst of energy, shot a bolt of lightning into Prince Severus, taking him to the ground.

"Finish me," said Prince Severus. "My father will not let me bear this loss."

"No," said Geralt.

And he and Lady Feudalism carried Iorverth away. They caught up with all the other men a few minutes later.

"You cowards!" said Lady Feudalism. "Why did you run away?"

A spindly man with a mustache spoke with a meek voice.

"We were... scared... ma'am."

"I don't know if I like this job."

"Well you're all FIRED!" yelled Lady Feudalism.

And the 49 coward guards walked away.

On the way back to Vizima, a cloaked figure appeared before the 49 men.

"So, I hear you lot are out of a job," said the cloaked figure, who had a distinctly German accent. "Let me ask... are any of you good at music?"

"We love music!" said the spindly man.

"Good... very good... I think I have a job opportunity..." said the cloaked figure.

"Iorverth needs some medicine," said Lady Feudalism.

Iorverth was partially conscious, but he looked sick.

"We'll stop at the next town," said Geralt.

After a few hours, they arrived at the town of Temeria.

"We need a good disguise," said Iorverth, half-dazed.

"When you two go into the town, you can wear these clothes," he said, pulling some suits out of his rucksack.

"Why?" asked Geralt.

"You need a good cover story," said Iorverth. He hadn't heard Geralt.

"You two are lawyers. You've come to Temeria to borrow some books from the library," said Iorverth.

"Just indulge him," said Lady Feudalism.

So the two lawyers walked into the town.

On the way there, they saw a magnificent mansion.

And under the mansion's balcony was a magnificent field of grass. It was the grassiest grasses Geralt had ever seen.

"Nuclear grass," said Lady Feudalism. "Instead of photosynthesising off some conventional process, these grasses photosynthesise by nuclear fission."

And then, the two saw a shadow appear on the grass. There was a scream, and a man fell from the balcony and hit the ground, dead.

"Oh no..." said an old man who walked out from the mansion.

The police had arrived shortly after. Geralt and Lady Feudalism were bought in for questioning.

"Why are we suspects?" asked Geralt.

"We didn't kill him!"

"That was quite clear," said the policeman. "The man died from fall damage."

"You are not suspects, just witnesses."

"Then who is the main suspect?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"When a man falls from a balcony, who do we say killed him?" pondered the policeman. "Was it the man who pushed him? Was it the balcony he was pushed off? Was it the air he fell through? Here in Temeria, we go with the most logical solution."

"He was killed by the surface he landed on, In this case, those nuclear grasses."

"Anyway, let us proceed with the questioning," said the policeman. "What are you guys doing in Temeria today?"

"We're lawyers," said Geralt, remembering Iorverth's cover story.

"Lawyers?" asked the policeman.

He suddenly smiled.

"There are no lawyers in Temeria," he said. "It's lucky you're here right now."

"Why?" inquired Geralt.

"Because I want you two to defend the suspect in the upcoming murder trial!" said the policeman excitedly.

"You can form the prosecution," said the policeman to Lady Feudalism.

"And you can defend the accused!" said the policeman to Geralt.

"I shall see you tomorrow at the trial of the grasses."

The next day, Geralt and Lady Feudalism walked into the courtroom.

Geralt held a small sample of the nuclear grass, representing the accused. Lady Feudalism sat on the other side with the family of the murdered man. And then, the policeman walked in, wearing judicial robes.

He sat at the judge's seat.

"We are gathered here now to find out if this grass is guilty of murder or not," said the policeman, obviously attempting to be formal but failing horribly. "If the grasses are found not guilty, they will not be disturbed. If they are found guilty, they will be sentenced to death... by burning."

Everyone gasped.

"You know what that means, your grace," said Lady Feudalism, who quickly ran up to Geralt. "If they burn the nuclear grass, this entire town and most of the region around it will be no more! You have to win this!"

"But I... I can't do public speaking..." said Geralt. "I'm scared!"

"Oh no!" said Lady Feudalism.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART IX

THE BLOOD OF ELVES


	9. Part IX

**The Witcher: Part IX**

 **The Blood of Elves**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt was forced to defend a patch of nuclear grass in the courtroom. If he failed, the nuclear grass would be burned and the town of Temeria destroyed.

Geralt slowly stood up in front of the jury. Lady Feudalism had just done her speech.

The policeman/judge presiding over the trial had seemed impressed, even though it was clear to Geralt that she was deliberately trying to lose.

"You... uh... can't burn the grass for... uh... three reasons," began Geralt.

So far so good. Introduction out of the way.

"Firstly... uh... you can't... cause if you do, the grass will explode and you'll all die."

The jury laughed at him. They thought he was joking.

"And secondly... uh... the fire... will burn and produce harmful radioactive isotopes..."

"And finally... the grass is innocent... cause the force of impact was absorbed by the dirt under the grass... not the grass itself."

There were a few murmurings among the jury.

"Thanks for listening," said Geralt, and he sat down.

After talking to the jury for about 30 seconds, the judge walked back up to his seat.

"The grass is GUILTY," he said.

He smacked his mallet onto his finger, yelled in pain, and quickly regained his composure.

"We're gonna burn it now, let's go."

And then everyone went to the site of the nuclear grass to see the burning. The policeman lit a match and brang it down to the grass.

"Do something, your grace," said Lady Feudalism.

Just as the match was moving down to the grass, Geralt leapt up into the air and blew out the match.

"What are you doing lawyer?" asked the policeman.

"Preventing the destruction of this town," said Geralt.

Geralt then produced a layer of a non-combustible liquid and sprayed it over the grass.

"Now you can't burn it."

"You have interfered in the course of justice," said the policeman. "So I hereby pronounce you guilty! Your punishment is to be death."

"Let's go," said Lady Feudalism. The pair jumped up and flew out of town using Geralt's magick.

Prince Severus was climbing the steps up the Tower of Hitler. He was going to have to face his father and admit that he had failed to kill the Witcher. As he climbed, he heard a peculiar noise.

It sounded ominous.

It almost sounded like a brass band.

As he climbed, Severus could make out a timpani. The music got louder and more ominous. And when he was at the very top, he realised what the music was: The Imperial March, by John Williams.

He opened the large door, to see his father flanked by an orchestra of 49 still playing. And then they stopped.

"I quite like the atmosphere this orchestra provides, I think," said Hitler.

"Yes, very good," said Prince Severus.

"You are here to tell me of The Witcher's demise, I hope?" the Emperor said.

"Uh... no. I was bested," said Prince Severus solemnly.

"YOU IMBECILE!" yelled the Emperor.

He forced pushed Prince Severus out the window.

"He has failed me for the last time," said the Emperor. "I am going to kill The Witcher myself."

And then the Emperor walked out of his throne room, with his 49-man orchestra following closely behind, still playing the Imperial March.

When Geralt and Lady Feudalism returned to the spot they left Iorverth, he was gone. In his place, sat a short man with pointed ears.

"It's an elf!" said Lady Feudalism.

"What's that?" asked Geralt.

"They were evil creatures the witches fought a war with 100 years ago. I thought they were all killed!" replied Lady Feudalism.

"Well, it seems not," said the elf.

"My name is Tivoher."

"What have you done with Iorverth?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"I've taken him to our city... if you fly me there, you can have him back," the elf said, with an evil grin.

"Okay... very well..." said Lady Feudalism skeptically.

Geralt used magick to pick up Tivoher and Lady Feudalism and they flew in the directions given by Tivoher.

They eventually found themselves flying over a desert. The strange thing was that the desert was totally flat. Except for the very centre, where there was a small outcropping of rocky hills. Geralt flew into a valley between two of these hills. In the middle of the valley, there was a small hole.

"This is the entrance to my city," said Tivoher indicating to the hole.

"The city is called n'onu Satan," he said as they entered the hole.

Inside, the city appeared as a series of catacombs. Rotting bodies were everywhere.

"Are there any elves still alive?" asked Geralt.

"Only me now," said Tivoher. "All the others were wiped out in the war. The elves did have magick over the witches, but there were just too many."

"The elves had magick?" said Geralt.

"Yes... they did..." mumbled Tivoher

Suddenly a draugr appeared. Everyone jumped in fear.

Geralt shot some lightning at it and it died.

Eventually, they arrived in a dark large hall.

"What are we doing here? Where is Iorverth?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"Where is he indeed..." said Tivoher.

"When you cut the connection between the two halves of Ioverth's brain," he said gesturing to Geralt. "Did you ever stop to think of the consequences?"

"What are you trying to say?" said Geralt.

"When you cut the connection, you severed his personality in half," said Tivoher. "He ended up with a split-personality disorder."

"Now, you may have not known this, but Iorverth has a little bit of elvish blood. So half of his brain... the new personality you produced... was that of an elf."

Tivoher wrote the letters of his name in the air. It turned out it was actually written Tivoherr.

And then he rearranged the letters.

It spelt Iorverth.

"I am the other side of Iorverth," said Tivoherr. "And I tricked you into bringing me here so I could use my blood to resurrect the elves!"

Tivoherr walked up to the altar in the centre of the room and sliced one of his hands. And then suddenly, there was a giant shuffling sound coming from all around.

"Come, my kin! Come!" said Tivoherr.

And an army of elf draugr came out from their crypts. And they were coming to kill Geralt and Lady Feudalism!

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART X

GERALT OF RIVIA AND CIRI OF CINTRA


	10. Part X

**The Witcher: Part X**

 **Geralt of Rivia and Ciri of Cintra**

Previously, on The Witcher:

It turns out Iorverth has a dark side, an elf called Tivoherr. He took our heroes to the city of n'onu Satan, then he activated an army of elf draugr. They have magick, and are going to try to kill our heroes.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt looked at the oncoming army of elf draugr. They seemed quite dangerous. Just then, Tivoherr's facial features began to change, and he grew taller. Soon, he was Iorverth once again.

"What are those?" he inquired, looking at all the elf draugr.

"Elf draugr," said Lady Feudalism.

Some of the draugr cast magick lava spells at Geralt. Geralt blocked them, and used magick to levitate himself, Lady Feudalism, and Iorverth upwards. When they got to the ceiling, Geralt shot through it so hard that a tunnel appeared, before he magicked the other two up, back into the desert air. Draugr were rapidly following, flying up as well. Geralt magicked some sand into the hole, and turned it into rock.

"That should keep them for a little bit," said Geralt.

And then Geralt and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism flew away into the desert as fast as they could.

Gerald Manley Hopkins didn't think himself an important or conspicuous man. He was a poet who lived in the town of Temeria, a relative backwater. Nothing that important ever happened to him. And he thought that was just fine.

One morning, he awoke to an ominous brass bass line.

"There is no orchestra in Temeria," soliloquised Gerald, "So I do wonder what that noise might be."

The music slowly got louder, before an equally ominous brass melody came in. Gerald was scared. He backed to the corner of his bedroom, as he saw the door open. The music stopped, and a figure in a cloak entered the room. The man who wore it was old and shriveled. He had red eyes, green skin, and a 1cm long mustache over his upper lip.

"Witcher... I have found you at last," said the figure.

"I'm not The Witcher!" said Gerald.

"But you are Gerald of Rivia, are you not?" the man asked.

"Well... I suppose I am. But the Witcher's name is Geralt, not Gerald," replied Gerald.

"Lying won't save your life," said the man. "Prepare to die."

Gerald began to panic. "Don't kill me! I am Gerald the Poet! I am Gerald the Poet! I am GERALD THE POET!"

And then he was vaporised.

"I highly doubt that actually was the Witcher, but I don't really care," said Hitler coldly to the orchestra.

Suddenly, there was a commotion outside. Hitler exited Gerald's house and saw a bunch of draugr using magick to terrorise the people of Temeria.

"Oi!" said Hitler, "That's my job!"

The magick draugr stopped, and instead turned on Hitler. The Emperor, however, cast a magickek spell on them.

"You will now bow to me, you stupid draugr, do you hear me?"

And then the draugr stopped and bowed to Hitler.

"Yes... very good..." said Hitler evilly.

The draugr raised their arms in salute.

Geralt was getting tired of carrying Iorverth and Lady Feudalism; his magick was only so powerful. After a few hours of flying, Geralt saw a small town in the desert.

"Let's stop there and take a break," said Geralt.

"And also look for a cure to my condition," added Iorverth.

They landed in the small town. It was empty and rather dead.

And then, Geralt heard a voice from behind.

"Greetings, Witcher!"

Geralt whirled around and saw a video screen embedded in one of the walls of a building.

"This video package has been prepared for you upon your arrival to Cintra. It was recently prophesied that you and your travelling companions would arrive in our small town. We know of your quest to retrieve the Sword of Death, and understand that it is extremely important. To help in your efforts, we would like to provide you with a new travelling companion."

An image of a muscled, although rather pretty, young woman appeared on the screen.

"This is Ciri. We hope that she will be a good travelling companion, friend, and perhaps love interest, for you, the Witcher."

Lady Feudalism raised an eyebrow.

"She is in the building on the left."

Geralt and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism entered the building. Inside, there was a really nice red carpet. In the middle, there sat a figure, hunched over.

"Are you Ciri?" asked Geralt.

The figure turned around. She was an ancient and wise looking woman.

"So you've finally arrived then, lol," said Ciri.

She laughed.

"Only took you 102 years, but who cares about me?"

She got up and brushed herself down.

"So, can I join Team Witcher or not?"

Geralt stifled a laugh at this nimble old woman.

"I'm not going to carry you," said Geralt.

"Well you don't need to stupid," said Ciri.

She pointed to the red carpet.

"This is a magick powered flying carpet. This can be your vehicle."

"Okay," said Geralt, "You're in."

They quickly dragged the carpet out into the hot desert air.

"So, I hear you're looking for the Sword of Death," said Ciri.

"Uh... yeah," said Geralt.

"Let's get going then!" said Ciri happily.

"Uh... okay," said Ioverth.

So Team Witcher walked onto the magick carpet, and they took off into the air. After a few minutes, they heard a noise coming from the desert air.

"Is that... music?" asked Geralt.

"ayy lmao sounds like the Imperial March," said Ciri.

It was amplified throughout the desert air as if by magickek. And then they heard a voice.

"Hello Witcher! Adolf Hitler here! Just here to say hi before you die!"

"What?" said Geralt.

"I'm sending an army of Nazi Elf Draugr towards you! I hope you have bad luck! Hitler out!"

Before Team Witcher's eyes, an army of Nazi Elf Draugr rose out of the ground, and into the air. They stood in neatly arranged rows, their arms raised in salute. And then they attacked.

TO BE CONTINUED  
IN  
THE WITCHER: PART XI  
THE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS


	11. Part XI

**The Witcher: Part XI**

 **The League of Legends**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Emperor Hitler has taken control of the elf draugr! He has turned them into his servants and personal army, and now Team Witcher are being attacked by this army of Nazi Elf Draugr!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

The flying carpet was moving at maximum speed away from the Nazi Elf Draugr. Geralt was firing bolts of lightning at the draugr. Lady Feudalism was firing balls of feudalistic fire. Meanwhile, the muggles sat on the carpet and did more or less nothing.

"lol," said Ciri.

"I don't like sitting here being useless," said Iorverth.

"I like sitting here being useless," said Ciri, "I'm a decrepit old woman, being idle is what I do!"

The army of flying Nazi Elf Draugr was gaining on the flying carpet now. They were almost close enough to climb onto the carpet.

"What do we do?" yelled Geralt.

"Let me talk to my people," came a voice.

It was Tivoherr.

"Not you again," said Lady Feudalism.

"My kin, why have you bent your will to this... Hitler?" said Tivoherr to the army of Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Well," began one of the draugr, "He showed us that nationalist socialism is not a bad idea."

"What's wrong with the magocracy we used to have?"

"Magocratic forms of government are outdated. We prefer newer ideals."

"Please, don't fall for Hitler's magickek fueled rhetoric," said Tivoherr (for some reason he knew Hitler had magickek).

"It's your rhetoric we are not going to fall for."

"Why are you attacking us, anyway?" inquired Tivoherr.

"Because Emperor Hitler told us to."

"Are you sure chasing us is the best use of your time? Shouldn't you be building little Nazi towns or brainwashing children or something?"

"Probably," admitted the draugr.

The army stopped to think about Tivoherr's words, while the magick carpet flew off into the distance.

"And you wanted to get rid of me," said Tivoherr to Team Witcher, as he transformed back into Iorverth.

Into the small town came a cloaked figure riding a horse. His name was Severus Hitler, the disowned son of the Emperor. The Emperor thought he was dead. However, unbeknownst to his father, Severus had happened to land on a bouncy castle that just happened to be passing at the time. He had then rode off rather promptly.

Severus entered the town inn. It was painted red. He placed a hand on the wall - the paint was fresh. He walked up to the innkeeper, who had a hammer and a sickle tattoo on his forehead.

"What would you like?" asked the innkeeper.

"I don't have any money," said Severus.

"You don't have any money?" asked a large, muscled witch man who sat next to Severus. "Get this guy a vodka, George." He turned to Severus as the innkeeper bustled off. "I'm Communist O'Lenin, the owner of this establishment. What brings you to my inn?"

"I was rejected by my father," said Severus.

His vodka arrived and he sipped at it.

"You're Hitler's kid aren't you?" said O'Lenin.

"I need a disguise," said Severus.

Then he sighed.

"My father is going to try to retrieve the Sword of Death. I don't want to see him succeed."

"Why not?" asked O'Lenin.

"Because he's evil," replied Severus, "and I don't want the Witcher to end up getting absolute power over the planet because he's an idiot."

"So what are you going to do about it?" asked O'Lenin.

"I think... I should go after the Sword of Death as well," said Severus.

"I think I'll come with you," said O'Lenin. "Us anti-heroes gotta stick together."

"I'll go and disguise myself before we leave," said Severus.

He wiped a gob of red paint off the wall and went into the bathroom. He then smeared some of the paint around one of his eyes, so it looked like a scar. Looking into the mirror, Severus spoke to himself.

"I must restore my honour."

Team Witcher found themselves hopelessly lost. Geralt's compass didn't work because of magnetic particles in the sand.

"I have some maps!" said Ciri excitedly.

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of crumpled parchment with a variety of colours and blobs on it.

"I can't navigate with this," cried Iorverth. "There's no key!"

"What do you mean?" asked Ciri.

"Look at this red blob that this map says we're currently standing on," said Iorverth, "What does this red blob mean? This is a poorly designed map."

"I didn't design the map without a key," said Ciri, shrugging.

Just then, Lady Feudalism jumped to her feet.

"Look over there! A small building."

They landed the carpet next to the building, which turned out to be a shop.

"It looks like we can buy a key for our map here, at the… 'League of Legends,'" Iorverth said, squinting at the worn sign.

They entered the shop.

"We're looking for a legend for this map," said Geralt to the shopkeeper.

"Okay, that will be 50 desert dollars," said the shopkeeper.

Ciri dished out 50 desert dollars and the shopkeeper provided an appropriate legend for their map.

"That shop left me feeling irritated and unsatisfied," murmured Ciri as they left 'League of Legends'.

Iorverth looked at the map with the legend.

"Now," he said, "We're standing on a red blob on the map. On the key... that is... an… an active volcanic region."

As if to confirm what Iorverth just said, the ground started to shake. Cracks appeared in the ground, and spouts of lava rose up.

"Oh no!" said Lady Feudalism.

"We're doomed!" shouted Geralt.

TO BE CONTINUED  
IN  
THE WITCHER: PART XII  
THE DEFENSE OF THE ANCIENTS


	12. Part XII

**The Witcher: Part XII**

 **The Defense of the Ancients**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher encountered a volcano in the desert. The pyroclastic flow is going to kill them very soon.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Long ago, there were two villages, located near the edge of the Elvish Desert. They contained a variety of eccentric and unusual creatures with weird powers. The villages' names:

Dire, and Radiant

For some unfathomable reason, the two ended up at war. It seemed that the war would never end. But then, after several decades passed, the heroes of Dire and Radiant began to age.

They got back problems. They had mineral deficiencies. They got old. And the war could not continue.

Eventually, it got to the point where these senile 'heroes' had to struggle to defeat the invading neutral creeps. They knew their time was up.

The Magick Carpet flew away from the pyroclastic flow as fast as it could. Geralt could feel the heat on his the back of his head as he magicked the carpet to go faster.

"We need to make this thing more aerodynamic!" said Iorverth.

Iorverth pulled out his sword and pointed it directly ahead. The magick carpet sped up, and they escaped the pyroclastic flow.

"That's physics," said Iorverth.

"Wow! Physics is so cool!" said Geralt.

"I preferred Chemistry," said Ciri, yawning.

In a few minutes, they found themselves at the edge of the desert. Just beyond the edge, sat a small town.

"The pyroclastic flow is still coming," said Lady Feudalism grimly, "That town is going to get destroyed."

They landed in the small dark town, which was named Dire.

"You lot should evacuate!" yelled Geralt.

A pudgy old dude walked out of one of the houses.

"Get out of this town!" Geralt said to the pudgy old dude.

"Why?" asked the dude. "I'm perfectly happy here. The name is Pudge, by the way."

He hobbled up to Geralt and offered a handshake.

"No time for that now," said Geralt.

"There's a pyroclastic flow coming and if you don't evacuate, you'll all die!"

There was suddenly a cry from above.

"Creeps!"

"That'll be Sniper," said Pudge.

They looked up and saw a tiny shriveled ball with glasses perched on a rooftop.

"What are creeps?" asked Geralt.

"Those things," replied Pudge.

There was an army of small neutral creeps approaching Dire.

"Now that we're old, them creeps think they can just take Dire over," said Pudge.

Geralt saw the creeps in the distance. As they approached, he saw them dividing to form a larger army. They were asexual. That meant, he could kill them without violating his moral code.

"You old people can stay here," said Geralt, motioning to the 'heroes' of Dire, and Ciri.

"You think I can't fight?" said Ciri.

"That's exactly what I think," said Geralt. "Anyway, me, Lady Feudalism, and Iorverth will dispatch those creeps as fast as we can. You lot should get as far away from the desert as fast as you can."

But it was too late. The pyroclastic flow was already visible on the horizon. On one side of Dire was the pyroclastic flow, and on the other side, were the creeps.

"How are we going to defend these ancients?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"I have a plan," said Geralt, smiling.

A crowd of old and decrepit 'heroes' had gathered before Geralt.

"Are any of you still semi-decent at magic?" asked Geralt to the crowd.

An old man raised his arm. He hobbled up to Geralt, walking slowly with a cane.

"Mah name is Invoker," said the decrepit old man. "I'm dah only one who can still do magic."

"Okay," said Geralt. "Invoker, Lady Feudalism, come with me."

Invoker, Lady Feudalism, and Geralt walked to the edge of town with the pyroclastic flow.

"Just follow me," said Geralt, as the pyroclastic flow came closer.

Geralt began to cast a magick spell, which created a small air bubble.

"If we can make this bubble big enough to cover all of Dire, you won't be destroyed by the pyroclastic flow."

Invoker and Lady Feudalism and Geralt made the bubble bigger and bigger, until the entire town was covered by the bubble. Just after the bubble encased the town, the pyroclastic flow swept over the bubble. Using all his magick might Geralt held the bubble in place, preventing the pyroclastic flow from falling onto the town. He stood for quite a while.

Finally, when it had mostly passed, Geralt ceased the magick spell. Ash fell from the sky and coated Dire in grey. All the neutral creeps on the other side of town had been roasted and they were no more.

"Well done," said Geralt to Lady Feudalism and Invoker.

They walked back to the middle of town, where all the ancient 'heroes' were standing in a crowd.

"What do we do now?" asked Pudge.

"What do you mean?" asked Geralt.

"All the creeps are dead. The Radiant is too far away to walk to. What is the purpose of our existence if it is not to fight creeps or Radiant?"

"I suppose you can start to do something productive rather than fighting. Perhaps you should build a nice feudal society," suggested Lady Feudalism.

The inhabitants saved town of Dire then began to do what most people did when nothing important was happening: they started squabbling over politics. Their job done, Team Witcher returned to the magick carpet.

"The shop in Dire was more interesting than 'League of Legends'," said Ciri.

And then the team got on the carpet and soared off northwards, to their next exciting adventure.

Adolf Hitler entered the town of Radiant with his band of 49. Like always, they were playing the Imperial March. This attracted the attention of the Radiant 'heroes', who exited their homes to see Hitler.

"I think this is a lovely spot for painting," said Hitler, setting up his easel.

And then he saw the pyroclastic flow.

"It's going to kill us!" yelled Radiant Pudge.

But Hitler froze the pyroclastic flow with some magickek.

"Wait until my art is finished," said Hitler to the pyroclastic flow.

About 5 hours later, Hitler had finished his piece of artwork. It was a picture of Geralt being beheaded.

"Very good," said the Emperor.

He then rose up into the air with his band (using magickek). Then he reheated and defrosted the pyroclastic flow. It swept over the town, destroying Radiant and all the 'heroes,' and they were no more.

"Lol," said Hitler.

His band laughed, more out of fear than amusement. Except for one member.

"Why do you not laugh?" he asked to the band member who did not laugh.

"I do not find you funny," said the band member.

"Then you shall die," said Hitler.

The man was then thrown into the pyroclastic flow.

TO BE CONTINUED  
IN  
THE WITCHER: PART XIII  
49 SHADES OF GREY


	13. Part XIII

**The Witcher: Part XIII**

 **49 Shades of Grey**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher saved Dire from the pyroclastic flow. Hitler did not save Radiant from the pyroclastic flow. Look at the contrast between good and evil!

The journey continues...

Christian Grey stood floating in the air with all of the other members of Hitler's band, supported by his magickek. They were watching as the town of Radiant was destroyed by the pyroclastic flow.

Grey was disgusted at Hitler's actions.

'Lol,' said Hitler.

The other 48 laughed. Grey did not.

"Why do you not laugh?" asked Hitler.

Grey responded more truthfully than he had ever done in his life.

"I do not find you funny."

Hitler sneered at Grey and then said "Then you shall die."

And then Hitler's magickek threw Grey down towards the pyroclastic flow. As he fell, his life flashed before his eyes.

His name wasn't always Christian Grey.

He used to be a common thug who lived on the streets of Vizima.

He often beat people up for fun.

One day, he saw an old priest, and decided he would go beat up the priest. And then he beat up the priest. And the priest died.

He had never killed a person before. He didn't realise how old and frail the priest was.

He decided he wanted to repent.

So he travelled to that priest's church, and he then decided he would change his ways. He decided he would become a man of God.

He decided to take up a new name: Christian.

Later, he applied to join Lady Feudalism's personal army, as he wanted to fight for a just cause. And before long, he ended up as a member of Hitler's orchestra.

As a Christian, Grey had a very strong sense of morality. But he also believed the ends justified the means. Of the 48 men in Hitler's orchestra, he was the only one who actually thought Hitler could actually make the world better. However much suffering Hitler caused, Grey believed was worth it, for the eventual united world government Hitler would establish at the end of his quest.

It was because of this moral sense that he was given the epithet 'grey'. Ergo, Christian Grey.

But Grey decided he would draw the line at laughing at a whole bunch of innocents being destroyed by a pyroclastic flow.

And he had paid for it.

He plunged into the hot gas and rock, and was sure that his end was nigh. And then he blacked out.

Grey awoke a few hours later.

He had suffered from severe, but not fatal burns. He tried to stand up, but he couldn't. His legs were mostly burned off.

He looked around at the destroyed town of Radiant, and saw the charred corpses of all the heroes. And then he sighed, accepting that he too was going to end up as a charred corpse.

And then he heard footsteps coming from behind.

He turned around and saw two witches.

One was big and muscly and wearing a red shirt. The other had a red scar and black hair and pale skin.

"Look, a survivor!" said the muscly one.

"Should we put him out of his misery?" asked the one with the red scar on his eye.

"No... this man looks like he might make a good comrade!" replied the muscly one.

"He can't walk. His legs are burned off," said the scarred one.

"Can't you heal his leg or something?" asked the muscly one.

"I suppose so," said the scarred one.

He placed his hand on Grey's leg, and suddenly, his leg had grown back.

"My name is Severus Hitler, and this is Communist O'Lenin," said the scarred one.

"I'm... Christian Grey," replied Grey.

"We're travelling north to get the Sword of Death and to stop Adolf Hitler from taking over the world. Do you want to travel with us?" asked Severus.

"Okay," said Grey.

Team Witcher had landed at an unusual looking building in the middle of the forest. It had some words on a sign at the front door.

'THE WITCHER FAN CLUB'

"What is this?" asked Geralt.

"I think you have a fan club ayy lmao," said Ciri.

They walked inside, to be greeted by a giant statue of Geralt. Except it wasn't quite Geralt.

The statue had long white hair instead of Geralt's short red hair.

And also the statue had two swords.

Geralt never used swords.

"Your costume is rubbish," said the lady at the reception desk.

"No, I'm the Witcher," said Geralt.

"No you're not. How can you be the Witcher when the Witcher is already here?" replied the receptionist.

And then on cue, a tall man with two swords and long white hair bursted through the door.

He was taller, and more handsome than Geralt. He spoke with an American accent.

"Hi, I'm Geralt!" said the man.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XIV

SMITE


	14. Part XIV

**The Witcher: Part XIV**

 **Smite**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher ran into a man claiming to be Geralt. For a split second, Geralt had an identity crisis!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"How can you be Geralt of Rivia when I'm Geralt of Rivia?" said Geralt.

"This man thinks he's you," said the receptionist.

"I don't think I'm him," said Geralt. "I am Geralt of Rivia. The only one. The original."

"I'm pretty sure I'm the real Geralt," said the tall white haired American Geralt. "You're just a deluded fan."

"He's not a fan! He's the real Witcher!" said Lady Feudalism.

"If he's the Witcher, then where are his swords?" asked the American Geralt.

"I don't need swords," said Geralt. "I have magick."

"The Witcher isn't supposed to be magick!" said the American Geralt. "A Witcher is supposed to be a mutated monster hunter. Witchers carry two swords."

And the American Geralt unsheathed two swords.

"You're not the first to come here claiming to be the Witcher," said the American Geralt.

"But he IS the Witcher!" said Iorverth.

"Okay, how about this," said the American Geralt. "You and I can go into the fan club, and we'll fight a duel to the death. If you win, you get the right to call yourself the Witcher."

"I don't want to kill you," said Geralt.

"I knew it! You're scared of me, aren't you?" said the American Geralt.

"Fine then. I'll fight you," replied Geralt. So the two Geralts walked into the fan club.

"50 gp for admission into the fan club," said the receptionist as Geralt was about to walk into the fan club.

Geralt groaned and dished out 50gp and walked through the door. Lady Feudalism stroked her chin as if she had a beard and watched the receptionist carefully.

"That receptionist," said Lady Feudalism to Iorverth and Ciri, "She seemed really excited when she got that money. I'm going to investigate."

Lady Feudalism walked up to the receptionist.

"You seem to really like money," said Lady Feudalism to the receptionist.

"Yeah... I suppose I do... do you want to give me some money?" asked the receptionist.

"No. I want to see the boss of this Witcher Fan Club," replied Lady Feudalism.

"Very well," said the receptionist. "Come right this way."

And the two walked down into the basement.

Geralt and American Geralt had arrived in the fanclub battle arena. It was indoors, and a bunch of spectators had begun to gather at the grandstand.

There was a large set of swords hanging from the wall at the back.

"My sword collection," said American Geralt. He equipped two largish looking swords from the collection.

"I don't have a sword though," said Geralt.

"Choose one from my collection, then," said American Geralt.

Geralt's attention immediately gravitated towards a pure, solid gold sword at the top of the collection.

"That's the sword Smite," said American Geralt. "It was the sword used by the first Witcher, Gandalf."

"It's not a very practical weapon, is it?" asked Geralt. "Gold is too soft for battle."

"Gandalf strengthened the gold with magick, according to the legends," said American Geralt.

"I choose Smite," said Geralt.

American Geralt laughed. "Okay then. You're gonna die, but you asked for it, so who cares?"

So Geralt equipped Smite, and the two squared each other up on the battlefield.

The crowd was chanting. "GERALT! GERALT! GERALT!"

And then they ran forward and started the fight.

It was dark in the town of Cintra.

A singular cloaked figure stood in the middle of town, as dramatic music was playing. A short man with a limp walked up to the cloaked figure.

"I need you to retrieve something," said the cloaked figure.

"Retrieve what?" asked the short man.

"Near the pass between the Mountains of Death, you will find a mass of detritus. I want one cell from that mass," said the cloaked figure.

"Very well," said short man.

Geralt and American Geralt fought. Geralt had used magick to make his admittedly rather cruddy swordsmanship seem semidecent.

American Geralt thought he had the upper hand.

And then Geralt, with two swipes of Smite, cut off American Geralt's hands. Blood was spurting out of the stumps.

"Finish me," said American Geralt. "That is the honourable way."

"No. My morals do not permit it," replied Geralt.

"Then I shall commit seppuku," said American Geralt.

He reached for one of his swords, but then realised both of his hands had been cut off and therefore he could not commit seppuku.

"Damnit," he said.

Inside the basement, there was a golden statue.

"What is that?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"My boss," said the receptionist. And then the golden statue came to life.

The face turned green and morphed into a familiar sight that Lady Feudalism knew all too well.

"Hello, sister," said Capitalist McMoney.

"Not you again," said Lady Feudalism.

"Yes me again," said Capitalist McMoney.

"I created this establishment as a trap for your friend the Witcher," said McMoney, casually revealing his plans. "Everyone here is a capitalist slave. And now... I'm going to get them to kill you and your friends."

And at that moment, the receptionist's eyes turned red. And she attacked.

On the battleground, the crowd of Geralt fans suddenly began to pour out of the stand.

Their eyes were red. And then they attacked.

In the lobby, Ciri and Iorverth were pretty bored. And then some people came out of the fan club.

Their eyes were red. And then they attacked.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XV

WALMART


	15. Part XV

**The Witcher: Part XV**

 **Walmart**

Previously, on The Witcher:

It turns out an old foe was behind The Witcher fan club:

Capitalist McMoney!

And now he has sent an army of capitalist slaves to go and destroy our heroes.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Lady Feudalism came out from the basement and ran out onto the battlefield.

"What's happening?" asked Geralt as he edged away from the capitalist zombies.

"It's McMoney!" replied Lady Feudalism. And then Capitalist McMoney walked through the door.

"Hello, Witcher," he said.

"We need to get out of here," said Lady Feudalism.

"There's no escape," said McMoney. "You see, I've started a new business. It's called Walmart."

"I have several factories throughout all of Northern Rivia producing a variety of walls. And my people have just erected a massive electric fence-wall right around the forest."

"So now I'm going to sit here and watch my zombies take you apart. And with you out of my way, there will be nothing to stop me from becoming CEO of the World!"

Geralt drew his sword and pointed it at the advancing capitalist zombies. And then he began to slice at them.

"My morals don't prevent me from causing severe injury!" said Geralt, as he severely injured a whole bunch of capitalist zombies.

Out in the lobby, Ciri and Iorverth were under attack from a horde of capitalist zombies. Iorverth was slicing at them with his sword.

Ciri was sitting down on a particularly comfy chair being rather idle.

"I haven't really done all that much useful stuff on this mission," said Ciri to herself as she watched Iorverth cut down a bunch of capitalist zombies. "Maybe I should contribute."

She checked in her bag and found some packets of mustard gas. She got a couple of gas masks, put one on, and chucked the other to Iorverth. And then she detonated the mustard gas bomb things.

"Mustard gas is a pretty evil weapon to use," said Iorverth. "Geralt wouldn't approve."

"Meh," said Ciri.

They walked out into the forest.

A few moments later, Geralt and Lady Feudalism came out of one of the top windows. They jumped down to the ground, and Geralt broke their fall with magick.

"We've got to get out of here," said Geralt. So they got on their magick carpet and flew away from The Witcher Fan Club.

Bruised, bloodied, and on the ground, lay the American Geralt. He had lost both of his hands and had been severely injured by the crowd of people who had run over him.

"You failed me," said Capitalist McMoney to American Geralt. "I selected you to be Geralt and then you let him cut off your hands."

"Please don't fire me, sir," said American Geralt, whimpering.

"You're fired!" said Capitalist McMoney.

And then American Geralt exploded in a ball of fire.

We come back to the town of Cintra. The cloaked figure from last time sat, impatient, waiting for the limping man to come back with the cells.

A few hours passed.

And then finally, the limping man walked in, to a dramatic music cue.

"I have the cells," he said.

"Now I want my money."

The cloaked figure took one of the containers with the cells.

"You're such a fool," he said.

"You are a capitalist zombie. All you care about is money."

And then the cloaked figure took a cell sample up into a syringe, and stabbed it into the limping man.

The limping man's facial features changed.

He grew a moustache, and his head became more round.

He grew taller.

"Nice to see you again, Heinrich," said the cloaked figure to the new man who stood before him.

"Mein Fuhrer," said Heinrich Himmler.

He raised his arm in salute as the Königgrätzer March played.

The magick carpet was flying along.

"McMoney must have been lying about the wall," said Iorverth.

Team Witcher thought they had escaped.

Just then, they hit a massive, invisible, electric wall.

They fell to the ground, dazed.

"How do we get past this wall?" asked Lady Feudalism.

Geralt tried to magick the wall but it didn't work.

Lady Feudalism tried to magic the wall but it didn't work.

Iorverth tried to stab the wall but it didn't work.

Ciri tried punching the wall but it didn't work.

Just then, Ciri had a thought.

"This is a capitalist wall, right?"

"What happens if we throw money at it?"

She pulled 10gp out and threw it at the wall.

Suddenly, a portal to another realm appeared in the wall.

"What place is that?" asked Geralt.

They walked into the portal, which promptly closed behind them.

Inside, the world looked all messed up.

The sky was red and money of different currencies were floating up and supply and demand curves.

"I think I've heard of this dimension before."

"It's an alternate dimension," said Lady Feudalism.

"The world we live in is the world of social factors."

"This is the world of economic factors."

"In this world, economic law becomes physical law."

And then, Capitalist McMoney appeared through a portal.

He was flying.

Geralt tried to shoot magick at McMoney, but it didn't work!

"In this world, you have to buy magic and magick and magickek!" said McMoney.

"And I'm rich!"

"And now, I'm going to vaporise you all!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XVI

TWILIGHT


	16. Part XVI

**The Witcher: Part XVI**

 **TWIlight**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher have arrived in the economics world!

In this world, there is no magic or magick without paying for it! And now Team Witcher are under attack from Capitalist McMoney, who has magickek in this world due to him being so rich!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

McMoney raised his arms in preparation to vaporise Team Witcher. And then he flicked his wrists, in a motion that was supposed to kill them all.

But in that split second, Ciri reached into her bag and pulled out 100gp, allowing her to buy a magick barrier.

"You're not the only one with money!" said Ciri. And then Ciri tossed out some more money, granting her a more youthful body and magick powers.

Iorverth and Lady Feudalism and Geralt looked in amazement.

"This cannot be," said McMoney. And then Ciri and McMoney dueled.

"You cannot win," said McMoney. "I am richer than you."

McMoney threw a bunch of money at the ground Ciri was standing on.

It turned out that ground was a supply-demand curve. And by throwing money at the ground, demand increased. Hence supply decreased.

And the ground collapsed beneath Ciri.

Knowing she was likely defeated, Ciri cast some magick to send up some smoke. And Team Witcher departed from the battlefield of economics.

They wandered around the economics realm for a while.

After a few hours, they found themselves hopelessly lost in the abyss of economics.

Nothing made sense.

Normal logic did not apply.

And then, Iorverth, with his hawklike eyesight, spotted something in the distance.

"A town!" he said happily. And it was a town.

It was quite a marvellous town, with beautiful architecture that looked like a lot of money had been spent on it. Well, at least it looked good from the outside.

When they entered the town, the architecture and overall atmosphere seemed to physically shift around them.

"This economics realm is weird," remarked Geralt.

According to the sign, the town was called 'Money'. There were homeless people lying in rags on the streets. There were lines of quite nice looking houses.

Iorverth peered into one.

It was empty.

Geralt peered into another.

It was also empty.

It soon became apparent that every house was empty yet everybody was homeless. They asked one old man who was on the street what was going on.

"It's the TWI," he said. "They own everything in this town! They've monopolised everything!"

And then the man collapsed and fainted.

Iorverth quickly checked on him. "Dehydration. But there's nothing we can do."

As they moved forward, the dark streets got lighter. Advertising for this TWI started to appear on every wall of every house.

"I think we've arrived in the TWIlight zone," said Lady Feudalism. At the end of the street they found a massive palace.

On it, were the letters TWI:

The Water Institute

Team Witcher walked inside the building. There was a large amount of essential healthcare products inside, as well as essential foods and water.

"Hello, would you like to buy some water?" asked a salesman who approached Team Witcher.

"I think this lot have monopolised water," said Lady Feudalism.

"But water is a need, not a want! You can't monopolise needs!" said Geralt, with his rudimentary knowledge of economics.

"I want to talk to your boss," said Geralt to the salesman.

"I am the boss of this place," said the salesman. "I own The Water Institute, the town of Money and basically all of the economics realm."

And then his disguise disappeared.

"It's me again!" said Capitalist McMoney. "And there's no escape this time."

McMoney rose into the air with magickek and started shooting economics lightning at Team Witcher using his vast stores of money.

Ciri attempted to fight back, but she was hit by the lightning. The strain of the economics on Ciri was so much that she had to use all the rest of her money to prevent her from being vaporised.

And then she fell down to the ground, an old woman once again.

"Now, you shall die," said McMoney. And he shot a final bolt of economics at them.

But Geralt, the quickest thinker, realised how he could defeat McMoney.

In that instant, Geralt pulled out his sword, the golden Smite, and blocked the bolt of economics. Gold being the resource to which all currency is tethered, absorbed the bolt of economics.

Supercharged with economics, Geralt leapt into the air, and thrust Smite into McMoney's chest.

McMoney fell to the ground, horribly injured (but not dead).

"You should have killed him," said Ciri.

"Killing is wrong," said Geralt righteously.

And then he used the residual economics energy to open a gate back to the social world. They walked through the gate, back into the social realm, on the other side of McMoney's wall.

And then the gate closed.

"Glad that's over," said Lady Feudalism. "My brother can be quite irritating at times."

The sky was beginning to get dark.

Iorverth checked his watch.

"It's only 3pm. Why is it dark already?"

He looked to the sun. It was covered by a black smudge of stuff.

"What's that?" asked Iorverth.

Geralt, with his magick restored in the social world, magnified the image with magick.

And then they saw what was coming for them:

An army of Heinrich Himmlers and Nazi Elf Draugr.

Geralt swore.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XVII

A DANCE WITH DRAGONS


	17. Part XVII

**The Witcher: Part XVII**

 **A Dance With Dragons**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Freshly returned from the economics realm, Team Witcher see an approaching army of Heinrich Himmlers and Nazi Elf Draugr.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"Are we going to stand and fight like warriors or turn our backs and run like warriors?" asked Ciri.

"The latter option," said Geralt.

He cast a magick summoning spell, causing the magick flying carpet to appear beneath them. And then he forced the carpet forward as fast as it could go.

Iorverth used his sword to make them more aerodynamic. However, the Nazi army was gaining on them, as they also had swords.

And they were firing magick lightning bolts at Team Witcher.

"Looks like our only option is to fight," said Geralt.

"We will probably die," said Ciri cynically.

Geralt, undeterred by Ciri's pessimism, landed the carpet in a small field of flowers. And then, the Nazi army landed before them.

"We meeeet againnnn, Witccchhherrr," said a Heinrich Himmler, who was wearing a diamond helmet.

"Prepare to die," said Geralt. And then the fight began.

Geralt pulled out Smite and drove it into the chests of as many Himmlers as he could reach. Nazi Elf Draugr were firing lightnings at Team Witcher, but Geralt deflected them with much skill. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of enemies made it infeasible for Team Witcher to win.

Himmlers kept dividing, and mutating (to ensure genetic variation).

Geralt was about to faint from exhaustion, when one of the Himmlers yelled out.

"DRAGGOOOON!"

A giant black dragon had appeared from the sky.

The Nazi Elf Draugr shot lightning at the dragon. It wasn't very effective.

But due to the sheer volume of attackers, it looked as though the dragon wouldn't survive the onslaught. And then it started dancing.

"What?" said Lady Feudalism.

"It isn't logical," said Iorverth.

"I think the dragon's insane," said Ciri.

But miraculously, after dancing, the dragon seemed faster and stronger. And then it danced again, and the dragon got even faster and even stronger. And then it danced one more time, giving it +3 atk and +3 spd.

And then it attacked in an outrage, destroying the Nazi army.

Geralt walked up to the dragon.

"Thank you, Mr Dragon," he said.

"I have an important message for you," said the dragon.

"Who from?" asked Geralt.

"Albus Dumbledore," replied the dragon.

Communist O'Lenin and Severus Hitler sat in the hospital waiting room.

And then, their comrade, Christian Grey, finally came out from surgery.

"They haven't been able to completely fix my burns," he said. Half of his face looked burned off, and the other half was normal.

Just then, a witch man wearing golden clothes staggered into the hospital, clutching his chest.

"My brother!" said Communist O'Lenin. Communist O'Lenin was about to attack McMoney, but Severus and Grey held him back.

McMoney shambled past the front desk into the surgery.

"Hey!" said a nurse.

"I... need... help..." said McMoney. And then he collapsed and was taken into surgery.

"Why didn't you let me kill him?" asked O'Lenin.

"We have to plan out our moves carefully," replied Severus.

"I like making rash decisions," said O'Lenin.

"You have to learn to be cold and calculating," said Severus with a smile. "But unlike the Witcher, I am not against killing people."

Team Witcher had been flown to the dragon's cave.

"That sword you carry," said the dragon. "Belonged to Gandalf, the Third Witcher."

"I thought Gandalf was the first Witcher," said Geralt.

"Who told you that?" asked the dragon.

"Some insane dude who thought he was me. Might have been a slightly unreliable source," replied Geralt.

"In the history of Rivia, there have been but six Witchers before you," began the dragon. "Witchers rise only at the end of each age, when the world needs him most."

"The previous Witcher to you was Albus Dumbledore, who purged the world of the evil Witchest Tom Riddle."

"Before that, it was the wise Iroh, who helped defeat the evil Ozai."

"And before that, it was Yoda, who killed the evil Palpatine."

"And before that, it was the mighty Gandalf, who fought Sauron."

"And before him was the Witcher Merlin, who defeated Mordred."

"And before him was the First Witcher, the much revered Jesus Christ."

"It was Jesus who created the Sword of Death that you seek."

"In his time, Jesus' world was plagued by the most evil demon ever, Satan."

"No mortal weapon could defeat Satan. So Jesus forged the Sword of Death, a sword that could control the minds of people all across the world."

"And it guaranteed death to all who were stabbed by it. With it, he killed Satan."

"Thereafter, the Sword of Death was sealed at the Palace of Death atop the Mountain of Death at the Sky Rim. And that is where you are travelling."

"You are the Seventh Witcher, risen at the end of the Seventh Age. You must rid the world of the blight that is Adolf Hitler."

"Okay," said Geralt. "But I don't want to kill him, just incapacitate him or something."

"You have to kill him or else," said the dragon. "It is your destiny."

And in that moment, Geralt had a moral dilemma. The last time he had a moral dilemma, he had killed himself.

Geralt turned to his comrades. "What do I do?"

He fell over crying.

And then suddenly, there was an earthquake. The roof of the cave crumbled down. One particularly large piece fell down towards Team Witcher.

"Oh no!" said Lady Feudalism.

Geralt was too depressed to stop the falling rock, and nobody else was strong enough. They appeared to be doomed.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XVIII

THE FAULT IN OUR STARS


	18. Part XVIII

**The Witcher: Part XVIII**

 **The Fault In Our Stars**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt has been given a new moral dilemma!

His purpose in life has been revealed to be to kill Adolf Hitler! And then there was an earthquake which is now going to kill Team Witcher.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

The rocks fell from the cave roof.

The dragon nudged them out of the way with his nose.

"Thank goodness," said Lady Feudalism.

The earthquake was continuing. Geralt was still crying.

"Witcher! Get yourself together!" said the dragon.

Geralt stood up and wiped down his face.

"I think... I'm going to think about my morality later. I think it's too hard to think those thoughts at this time."

The earthquake got stronger, with the PGA increasing by 50%.

"You must stop this earthquake," said the dragon. "It will tear apart this part of Rivia if you do not."

"How do I stop an earthquake?" asked Geralt.

"I don't know," said the dragon. "I'm an ancient and wise dragon. That doesn't necessarily mean I know geology."

So Team Witcher left the cave, in search of a way to stop the earthquake. They could barely walk due to the shaking of the ground.

"I know geology," said Iorverth. He pulled a small device from his bag.

"This is a directional seismometer. It will tell us where the shaking is coming from."

It pointed north-east.

"That looks like the way to go," said Iorverth.

Hitler had made camp in a small palace. A figure dressed in black knelt before him.

"Himmler and the Nazi Elf Draugr have proven to be... unreliable..." said Hitler.

"The Witcher still lives, and that fact irks me. I want you to face him, and destroy him!"

The figure stood up. He wore a mask not entirely unlike a gas mask. His breathing was audible. He wore all black, and a black cape.

"You will no longer go by your previous name," said Hitler. "From here on, thy name shalt be Darth Rikon."

Darth Rikon raised his arm in the Nazi salute.

Team Witcher had arrived at the place where Iorverth had determined the location of the shaking to be.

It was a small town.

The sign at the entrance (which had fallen over due to the shaking) read:

OUR STARS, POP. 22

"What a random name for a town. Our Stars," said Ciri.

They walked into the shaking town. All 22 houses had fallen down to rubble.

"What is causing the shaking?" asked Geralt.

"I think there's a faultline," said Iorverth.

"A fault in Our Stars?" said Geralt.

"Yes, there is a fault in Our Stars," replied Iorverth.

"How do we fix it?" asked Geralt.

"With magick, I guess," said Iorverth.

Geralt tore open the ground with magick, to reveal a subduction zone.

He then took one tectonic plate in one of his hands, and the other in his other hand. With all of his magick might, he repaired the faultline.

The earthquake came to an end.

Geralt sat back, covered in sweat. His job was done. Unfortunately, the 22 people who used to live in Our Stars had still died from the collapsing houses.

Team Witcher decided they would set up camp in the vicinity. It was becoming night.

Team Witcher stayed in Our Stars for almost an entire day. They buried the dead people. And they sat down and rested.

2 hours before night the next day, Team Witcher was having dinner.

Ciri pulled a leg of chicken out of her bag.

"Ooh chicken!" said Lady Feudalism.

"I love chicken!" said Iorverth.

Ciri took a big bite out of the chicken leg. Geralt vomited.

"Why would you do that?" asked Geralt.

"Do what?" asked Ciri.

"Eat chicken," replied Geralt.

"But chicken is tasty," said Ciri.

Geralt vomited again. "You can't eat chicken!"

"Why?" they all asked.

"Because... well..." Geralt stuttered. "It's something rather embarrassing that I haven't really mentioned to you lot," said Geralt.

"What?" asked Ciri.

"I... well..."

"Used... to be..."

"A... uh... chicken."

"lol" said Ciri.

"ayy lmao" said Iorverth.

"Ha ha ha," said Lady Feudalism.

They then proceeded to eat a whole lot of chicken.

As night fell, Team Witcher heard some heavy breathing from behind. Sounded like somebody breathing through a mask.

They turned around, to come face to face with -

Darth Rikon!

"Time to meet your doom, Witcher," said Rikon.

He drew a lightsaber

and

attacked.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XIX

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK


	19. Part XIX

**The Witcher: Part XIX**

 **The Empire Strikes Back**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher is staying in the town of Our Stars. And then, they were attacked by Hitler's new assassin, Darth Rikon!

He looks like Vader. He even has a lightsaber!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

The speed of Rikon's attack was as fast as a flash of lightning (not a hyperbole).

Geralt swiftly drew his golden sword, and reinforced it such that it would not be destroyed by Rikon's lightsaber.

And Geralt and Rikon did duel.

Ciri and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism sat back and observed the spectacle of sword against lightsaber.

Two minutes and twenty-two seconds later, Ciri made a comment.

"Look at Rikon's hand," she said. "He has six fingers on one of his hands! Lol."

"Look at the shape of his boot," said Lady Feudalism stroking her chin as if she had a beard. "I'd bet that he has six toes on one of his legs."

"So he has eleven fingers and eleven toes?" said Iorverth. "That's weird."

Meanwhile, Geralt fought off the attack of Darth Rikon.

"Why are you attacking me?" asked Geralt.

"The Führer sent me," replied Rikon.

"He wants me to ensure your death."

Geralt attempted to use magick to gain the upper hand, but Rikon was somehow able to resist.

"How are you able to resist my magick?" asked Geralt as he dodged a blow from the red lightsaber.

"The power of magickek was granted to me from the Führer," said Rikon.

He dodged a blow from Geralt's sword and jumped in the air.

"How is that possible?" asked Geralt, as he rolled out of the way from the jumping attack.

"The Führer found me in a weakened state," said Rikon as he started cutting down large trees, which began to fall down on top of Geralt.

"I had been hit by a vehicle," he continued, as Geralt shot lightning at him.

"I was just a brain and a spinal cord," he said as he deflected Geralt's lightning with his lightsaber.

"But my Führer... he saved me," said Rikon as the deflected lightning was redeflected back at him.

"He gave me a new body." Rikon jumped up into a tree.

"How can you magickek?" said Geralt as he jumped up to join Rikon in the tree.

"My Führer created a small prokaryotic organism," said Rikon as he blocked a blow from Smite.

"An organism which can confer the powers of magickek. It is called the midi-chlorian." Geralt slashed at Rikon.

"He created a new blood stream for me, and he injected 2.2 million midi-chlorians into me," Rikon said as he pushed Geralt from the tree.

Geralt fell 72.178 feet towards the ground.

Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, and Christian Grey all crouched underneath a bush watching an army of Nazi Elf Draugr pass by.

"Cold and calculated moves," said Severus.

"I'm going to take out that entire army with only one magickek spell," he said.

"But how?" asked Grey and O'Lenin.

"There was an earthquake recently, with a PGA of 3.3," said Severus. "The earthquake naturally caused a tsunami just off the nearby coastline. I'm going to use the tsunami to my advantage."

After little over a third of an hour, a giant wave appeared on the horizon.

"Now, Nazi Elf Draugr can survive the tsunami itself," said Severus.

"But not if there is concentrated hydrogen cyanide dissolved in the water..."

Severus laughed.

As the wave moved in, Severus cast his spell.

"But what about us?" asked O'Lenin.

"This is the clever part," said Severus.

"We are around 13.67 miles away from where the epicentre of the earthquake was."

"And by my calculations, the tertiary wave will be passing through this point just as the tsunami passes over us, creating a bubble protecting us."

And when the tsunami arrived, the ground shook slightly as Severus predicted, and the wave passed harmlessly over them.

The same could not be said for the Nazi Elf Draugr, who were all dead.

Geralt hit the ground with a thud.

It hurt.

Darth Rikon jumped down also.

The weight of his black armour was so much that it caused the ground to collapse beneath them.

Geralt and Darth Rikon fell into a cave.

They slowly stood up.

Rikon's lightsaber illuminated the entire cave with soft red lighting.

And then Geralt and Rikon clashed again.

Ciri, Iorverth and Lady Feudalism sat awkwardly in their camp.

"Anybody want fried chicken?" asked Ciri.

Lady Feudalism scowled.

"Eating chicken was perfectly fine before," said Ciri.

The sound of sword against lightsaber echoed through the cave.

The cave was very dank and water dripped from the cave roof.

Rikon lunged in a stabbing motion.

Geralt jumped up in a backflip, dodging it.

Rikon sliced at him four times

and then eight times more

and then five times more

and then three times more

But Geralt dodged every one.

Rikon sliced again, this time horizontally, causing Geralt to backflip.

Geralt moved up into the air, and as he did, Rikon sliced one final time. The slice struck Geralt's back.

He screamed in pain, and fell to the ground, motionless.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XX

THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST


	20. Part XX

**The Witcher: Part XX**

 **The Wicked Witch Of The West**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt fought Darth Rikon. And then Darth Rikon struck his back.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt lay down on the cave floor. He felt a searing pain in his back.

He had been wounded.

He slowly stood up.

"You chicken," said Darth Rikon.

Geralt looked down at the floor. His sword had fallen to the ground.

"You are now defenseless," said Darth Rikon.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" he said.

And then he attacked once more.

Geralt thought he was almost beaten.

And then, he realised a way to defeat Darth Rikon. There was a stalactite right above Rikon's head.

Geralt cast a magick spell, and his sword, Smite, whirled up into his hand. As it flew through the air, it cut through the stalactite.

And it fell upon Darth Rikon.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Darth Rikon in pain.

He was pinned to the ground by the stalactite, which had gone through his chest.

"Finish me," said Darth Rikon. "Adolf Hitler will not let me suffer this defeat."

"No," said Geralt. Darth Rikon looked at the stalactite impaling him.

"It hurts... please... kill me... my..."

And then he passed out.

Geralt, ever considerate, pulled the stalactite out, and lay Darth Rikon on the side of the cavern, and healed his chest wound. And then Geralt flew back up out of the hole back into the overworld.

Back in Our Stars, it was 5:22 am when Geralt returned.

Team Witcher was already up, eating breakfast. They had seven pies.

"I defeated Darth Rikon," said Geralt victoriously.

They all celebrated, and managed to eat all seven pies before 5:44am.

And then they jumped on the magick carpet and flew off towards their next exciting adventure.

Unfortunately, it was about 132 seconds later when their next exciting adventure came towards them, in the form of a giant titanium torpedo.

They plummeted towards the ground and landed in a grassy field.

"Where are we?" asked Geralt.

"According to this map, we are in the battleground of Xixi," replied Ciri.

"What's Xixi?"

Lady Feudalism and Iorverth, the only two who had some knowledge of Rivian geography, looked worried.

"The battleground of Xixi is a giant round field in which the four empires send their armies to do battle," said Iorverth. "They have been at war for 22 years."

"The four empires are the North, the South, the East, and the West."

"And they fight over the Tower of Xixi in the centre of battleground."

They suddenly saw another titanium land torpedo being fired towards them.

Geralt destroyed with a slash of his magick-infused sword.

The army who had fired the torpedo marched towards Team Witcher. Their leader was a thug-like human with dark skin.

He waved a flag with their insignia: a black square next to a white square next to two black squares, next to a white square.

"On behalf of the Empire of the West, I order you to surrender," he said.

"I am Kanye West, Prince of the Empire of West," he then said, as his army put Team Witcher in chains.

"Why aren't we fighting back?" asked Ciri.

"I want to meet the person in charge of this empire," whispered Geralt. "And maybe then I can end this war."

Then, over the hills, there came another army from the east. They were also lead by a dark skinned muggle.

"My archenemy, Kanye East," said Kanye West.

They exchanged torpedoes, and the armies of West and East went into battle.

Team Witcher watched from the small carriage they had been stuffed into.

At the end of the skirmish (which did not have a decisive victor), Kanye West returned and then took Team Witcher back to the Empire of the West.

"I want to see your leader," said Geralt to Kanye West when they arrived.

"That'll be my mother," he said. "She is the executioner of all criminals anyway, so you'll be seeing her soon enough."

"What? We're being executed?" said Lady Feudalism, outraged.

"Yep. I saw you and didn't like you so now you're gonna die," said Kanye West.

Two hours and twelve minutes later, Team Witcher found themselves in the execution hall.

A crowd of around 220 had gathered to see the executions.

"Ladies and gentlemen," began Kanye West. "May I introduce, the executioner..."

"My mother..."

"Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West!"

An old woman with green facepaint and a large axe hobbled in.

"She's not a witch!" said Geralt.

"Mother," said Kanye West. "I want you to kill these imbeciles I found."

"Okay," said Elphaba.

She was senile and not very nimble, as she hobbled up to the stage. On the axe, there was the same insignia: black, white, black black, and white squares.

"I know you're thinking about escaping," she said to Geralt. "And I know you've figured I'm not a real witch."

"There is nonetheless no escape," she said, smiling. "This hall is surrounded by seventeen experienced witches and five master witches to prevent your escape."

Geralt then tried to talk, but realised he couldn't move.

"Your magick can't stand against my political power!" she said.

And then she raised the axe towards Lady Feudalism.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed, as she swung the axe towards Lady Feudalism's head.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXI

THE RISE OF THE XIXI


	21. Part XXI

**The Witcher: Part XXI**

 **The Rise of the Xixi**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher has been captured by Kanye West and his evil mother Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West! And now, Elphaba (who isn't actually a witch) is now going to execute Lady Feudalism with a giant axe!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

The axe swung towards Lady Feudalism's neck.

Geralt silently cast a magick spell to make her neck as hard as diamond for 2.2 seconds. The axe struck the diamond-hard neck, and bounced back.

Elphaba screamed as she quickly moved out of the way from the rebounding axe.

About 22 milliseconds later, a messenger burst through the door.

"The Tower of Xixi is opening!" he said.

"This is a momentous occasion," said Kanye West.

"Let us go to the tower," said Elphaba. "We can leave this execution for later."

The crowd left the hall and went off to the battleground.

Team Witcher was left unattended.

"Let's follow them to this Tower of Xixi," said Geralt. "They've been fighting over the tower for 22 years. There must be something relevant about it," said Iorverth.

Prince Severus and his comrades had arrived in a densely wooded region. They came across a man in black armour and a cape, lying on the ground.

"I am Darth Rikon," he said. "I need help, I am injured."

It looked as though he had just climbed up out of a hole.

"We should help him," said Communist O'Lenin. "He would make a good comrade for our cause."

Prince Severus healed him.

"Hang on, aren't you Prince Severus?" asked Rikon. "I thought you were killed by Hitler."

"You're mistaken," said Severus without missing a beat. "My name is Zuko Snape. I am not sure why you're confusing me with the Führer's deceased son."

"Why are you injured?" asked Christian Grey.

"It was the Witcher," said Rikon. "We had a battle that was about 8 minutes short of half an hour, and I was bested."

"So the Witcher has come this way..." said Severus. "I think we should track the Witcher down, and end him. That way he will not impede our quest."

Severus' comrades nodded.

"It is my task to slay the Witcher," said Darth Rikon, who seemed a bit offended. "Do you think I can't do my job or something?"

Darth Rikon jumped up and drew his lightsaber.

"We don't need to fight," said Severus.

"Hmm... good point," said Rikon, realising that random aggression served no purpose.

Severus then left with his comrades.

"See. I manipulated him into not attacking us," said Severus. "There is no need for violence."

"Just make a few cold and calculated moves to defeat all obstacles."

The armies of the four empires had gathered at the Tower of Xixi.

The Good Witch of the North was with her son, Kanye North.

The Good Witch of the South was with her son, Kanye South.

The Wicked Witch of the East was with her son, Kanye East.

And the Wicked Witch of the West was with her son, Kanye West.

The doors to the tower was open.

"So..." said Kanye North. "We've been fighting for this tower for twenty-two years. Who's going to go in first?"

Nobody said anything.

They were all too scared to enter this tower which it seemed they knew nothing about.

"I'll do it," said Geralt. Team Witcher stepped forth.

"What's even in this tower?" asked Geralt.

Nobody knew.

"It's been here for as long as we remember," said Kanye South.

"What is Xixi?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"We don't know," replied Kanye East. "The tower just says that on the front door."

On the front door, was written XIXI.

Also written was the black white black black white symbol of the West Empire.

"Let's find out then," said Geralt. And they walked into the tower.

There was the sound of water, dripping at a rate of 22 drops per minute.

Team Witcher walked up 22 stairs to reach the first floor.

"What is this tower?" asked Ciri. "It's completely empty."

They walked up another twenty-two steps to reach the next floor, a similarly empty room.

They continued walking up and up.

It turned out there were twenty-two floors.

They eventually reached the top floor, which was a bit different to the others.

Instead of being completely empty, there was a door at the end of the room. There were twenty-two different keyholes in the door.

Geralt melted a bit of scrap metal he found in his bag and turned it into keys using magick. Then, he put the twenty-two keys into the locks and turned them all at the same time.

The door opened slowly, taking twenty-two seconds to open fully. They entered the door.

And it closed behind them.

The room they entered was made of stone.

There were twenty-two wooden disks scattered across the floor.

On each of the four walls of the square room, there were five normal sized windows and one half sized window.

And in the middle of the room, there was a spooky scary skeleton, sitting on a throne.

"Aaargh!" said Lady Feudalism, who was spooked.

"ayy lmao it's dead," said Ciri.

"Well, it looks like we're trapped," said Geralt.

"Can't you magick down the door or something?" asked Lady Feudalism.

Geralt tried to shoot a block of lightning at the door. It didn't budge.

He tried to break the stone walls. They resisted the magick.

"Hey, has anyone else noticed this strange thing?" said Iorverth, who looked quite concerned.

"What?" asked the other three simultaneously.

"Have any of noticed that the number twenty-two has been cropping up a lot recently?" Iorverth asked.

"In this building? I assumed it was an architectural choice to theme this building off the number twenty-two," said Geralt. "The name of the tower is XIXI, isn't it? 11 plus 11 is twenty-two. Makes sense."

"But not just in this tower," said Iorverth.

"I think the number twenty-two has been following us around for the past few days."

"Remember Our Stars? How many people died in the earthquake?"

"Twenty-two," said Geralt.

"And how many fingers and toes did Darth Rikon have?" asked Iorverth.

"Twenty-two," said Ciri.

Ciri and Geralt and Lady Feudalism were all extremely freaked out.

"It can't be a coincidence," said Iorverth.

Geralt went to one of the windows.

He looked into the sky.

There were twenty-two clouds visible.

"What's happening?" asked Geralt.

"The number twenty-two is taking over!" said Iorverth. "It's literally everywhere!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXII

TWENTY-TWO


	22. Part XXII

**The Witcher: Part XXII**

 **Twenty-two**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Atop the Tower of Xixi, Team Witcher find themselves trapped.

And they keep running into one number:

Twenty-two

What is happening?

Iorverth suddenly lurched back, as if hit by a titanium torpedo. He tumbled to the floor.

"Iorverth!" cried Lady Feudalism.

And then Iorverth sat up, blinked, and rose to his feet.

"Why, hello," he said in a different accent to his normal Viziman.

"What?" said Lady Feudalism, confused about the sudden change in Iorverth.

"Is this some Tihoverr trick?" said Geralt.

"Not at all, my dear fellow, not at all," replied Iorverth. He chuckled.

"You're not Iorverth," said Lady Feudalism.

"Of course I'm not your travelling companion Iorverth," said Iorverth, who was now clearly not Iorverth.

"Then who are you and why have you possessed Iorverth's body?" asked Geralt.

"All in good time, my friend," said not-Iorverth. "Allow me to properly make your acquaintance," he said extending Iorverth's hand.

"I am twenty-two."

"Twenty-two years old?" asked Geralt.

"No, I AM twenty-two. The number," replied not-Iorverth.

"I'm not following," said Geralt.

"I believe to be rather straightforward," said not-Iorverth. "Most numbers are just numbers. They sit still and silent between the number before them and the number after."

"But I - I am a sentient number. Your colleague's body is serving as a temporary host for me."

"Get out of his body!" said Lady Feudalism.

"But I have waited so long for you, Witcher. It would be a waste of this opportunity if we didn't sit and chat for a bit, wouldn't it?" said twenty-two, smiling.

"What do you want to chat about?" asked Geralt.

"I want to know what your ambition is," said twenty-two. "What your purpose is for existing."

"My job is to go retrieve the Sword of Death," said Geralt. "Now you tell me what you're doing here."

"I've been following you and your companions around for quite a while now," said twenty-two. "Since the dragon cave, I believe."

"I existed in the form of a repeated meme. A number, repeated over and over again. I'm surprised you didn't notice my constant presence."

"What do you want with me?" asked Geralt.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, eh?" said twenty-two. "Because now I will share with you my own ambition. IIt is the same as yours: world domination."

"But Geralt will dominate the world in the name of righteousness," said Lady Feudalism.

"You believe yourselves to be more righteous than I?" said twenty-two. "Good and evil are outdated concepts. Especially seeing as they cannot achieve the same level of sentience as a mere number such as myself.

"It is my personal belief, my friends, that he who has the strongest intellect shall be the rightful owner of the world. Why, look out the windows to see examples of my handiwork."

Geralt looked out a window to see the gathered armies of the four empires: North, South, East, and West.

"I manipulated them into fighting for this tower. A war without end. That way technological progression would advance creating a variety of new weapons."

"Weapons which I will use in my unification of Rivia."

"You're a monster," said Geralt.

"I am just a number," said twenty-two.

"So, why have you brought us here?" asked Geralt.

"Simply put, I need your powers Geralt," replied twenty-two. "I would have possessed you first, but magick minds are so hard to infiltrate. As you can see, I have already taken the bodies of your colleagues."

Ciri and Lady Feudalism lay unconscious.

"Now, I only need to take your body. And then the unification of the world will be inevitable."

And with that, twenty-two drew Iorverth's sword. Geralt drew Smite.

"There is no escape," said twenty-two. "These walls were reinforced by Dumbledore himself when he tried to seal me away. He didn't realise that mere walls were not sufficient to keep me locked away."

"You are going down," said Geralt. And then Geralt and twenty-two clashed.

While Geralt was fighting Iorverth's body, he heard Lady Feudalism's voice from behind him.

"I have control of all of your colleagues," she said.

"I have control of the old woman as well," said twenty-two through Ciri.

"It is only a matter of time before you submit," said twenty-two through the three voices simultaneously (it sounded quite creepy).

Geralt kept slicing and blocking the constant attacks from Iorverth's body. And then Lady Feudalism attacked with magic from behind. And Ciri reached into her bag and detonated a few capsules of mustard gas.

Geralt coughed as he fought off the onslaught from three sides.

"You can't win, Geralt," said twenty-two with three voices. He was being slowly beaten back into the corner. "It is only a matter of time before your mind... breaks..."

Geralt magicked some of the wooden disks on the floor to make them fly into Iorverth's neck.

And Iorverth fell down, knocked out.

The mustard gas slowly got more thick.

Ciri grabbed Iorverth's sword, and advanced towards Geralt.

Lady Feudalism advanced also, her long brown hair streaming behind her and her brown eyes piercing into Geralt's soul.

Geralt realised that he couldn't win. And then he became one with twenty-two.

Geralt had been defeated by a number, a mere concept, the abstractest of abstract nouns.

But Geralt nevertheless fought back against the psychic onslaught.

"You have already lost, my friend," said twenty-two. It was with Geralt's voice, except with the posh accent he was using with Iorverth's voice.

And then Geralt had an idea.

"You'll never escape my mind," said Geralt.

"Why not?" asked twenty-two, again speaking with Geralt's voice.

"Because there's a catch," said Geralt. "Catch-22."

"To escape my mind, you must be strong enough to take control, and you must also try to escape my mind."

"But if you have enough power to take control, you don't try to escape because taking control of my body was your goal in the first place."

"So therefore you either don't have enough power to take control or you don't attempt to escape."

"And therefore regardless of how powerful you are, you cannot escape my mind."

"You are trapped here forever."

Twenty-two, itself a concept, spun itself around and around the logical paradox Geralt had created. It drew itself out of the bodies of all of those it had possessed, winding around and around a small space in Geralt's mind.

Until it was so small that Geralt could no longer notice it was there.

Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Iorverth slowly got up.

"What happened? Where's..." mumbled Lady Feudalism.

"Where's what?" asked Geralt.

"The number between twenty-one and twenty-three," said Lady Feudalism.

"Gone," said Geralt. "I imprisoned it inside a logical paradox inside my mind."

"I can't remember what that number was now," said Iorverth.

"Eighteen, ninteen, twenty, twenty-one... I don't know what comes next."

"That's because that number is gone now."

And because the number was gone, Dumbledore's magickal reinforcements had disappeared.

So he pushed open the door, and Team Witcher departed the Tower of Xixi, heading off on their next exciting adventure.

Severus Hitler looked out onto the horizon. He saw a flying carpet.

"There they are," he said to his comrades. "I think it's about time those fools faced us, don't you think?"

Communist O'Lenin and Christian Grey nodded and smiled.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXIII

HEROES OF NEWELL


	23. Part XXIII

**The Witcher: Part XXIII**

 **Heroes of Newell**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt defeated the number twenty-two with a logical paradox and trapped it inside his mind. Unfortunately, his enemy, Severus Hitler, travels close behind.

The journey continues...

Ciri was, funnily enough, the first to see the massive city, even though she had the poorest eyesight. Team Witcher landed their carpet at the city gates.

"Who are you?" asked the guard.

"I am the Witcher," said Geralt, as if the merest mention of his identity would get him past anyone.

"What's that?" asked the guard.

"Basically, it means I can do magick and am destined to save the world from Hitler's reign of evil," explained Geralt.

"What's that?" asked the guard again.

"Are you stupid?" asked Lady Feudalism. "He already explained!"

"What's that?" asked the guard once more, this time pointing behind Geralt.

Team Witcher whirled around to come face to face with a giant bear.

And the bear charged forward, and attacked with its mighty claws.

Geralt was caught off guard and was bowled over. Iorverth drew his sword, but the bear knocked it out of his hand. Lady Feudalism ran to Geralt to check if he was okay, leaving Ciri alone to face the bear.

"Oh no," said Ciri, as the bear charged forth. And then she reached into her bag and pulled out a mustard gas bomb.

"Ayy lmao," she said, as she threw the bomb into the bear's mouth.

It started to cough, and its eyes bulged freakishly. The bear screamed in pain and fell down, dead.

Just then, a fat man wearing glasses waddled out from the city.

"Well done!" said the fat man. "That beast has been plaguing our city of Newell for a while. So I thank you, the Heroes of Newell, for saving us."

"Who are you?" asked Ciri.

"I am King Gaben. I will give you riches and a house in the city of Newell as thanks for your great deed."

Team Witcher sat in their new house. It was quite nicely furnished and had really nice sofas.

Also, Geralt hadn't spoken since Ciri had killed the bear. His face was red, a rage slowly churning within him. Lady Feudalism and Iorverth looked afraid.

And then Geralt's rage broke.

"WHAT THE HECK DID YOU JUST DO?" he yelled angrily at Ciri. "YOU JUST MURDERED A BEAUTIFUL, INNOCENT, SEXUALLY REPRODUCING BEAR!"

"WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD GUYS!"

"YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND MURDERING ANYONE YOU DON'T LIKE!"

Geralt took a deep breath.

"AND WITH GODDAMN MUSTARD GAS, NO LESS! MUSTARD GAS!"

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Ciri scrambled to the door.

"DON'T COME BACK!"

And then Geralt took another deep breath.

"Don't come back until you're ready to repent for what you did."

Prince Severus had arrived in the great city of Newell.

"Where is the Witcher?" asked Communist O'Lenin. "We need to find him first if we want to kill him."

"I say we book a hotel room first," said Severus. "I suspect the Witcher might be staying in this city tonight. We need to be here also."

Severus and his comrades entered the nearest hotel.

"One room for three," said Severus.

"That will be 60 rupees," said the hotel owner.

"We don't have any money," said Severus.

"You need money if you want a room," said the hotel owner.

"We don't need money," said Christian Grey. He grabbed a ceremonial axe that was hanging on the wall and aimed it at the owner's neck.

"Give us a room, or you'll die," said Christian Grey.

"That's just a ceremonial axe," replied the owner. "It's no good for actual killing."

And then Christian Grey lopped off the owner's head.

"Come on," said Severus. "Let's find a room."

Ciri walked down the streets of Newell alone.

Combine soldiers, the policemen of Newell, patrolled the streets. There were quite a lot of them. More than one would normally expect.

Ciri walked along until she saw a store she liked. She walked in.

They were selling portal guns! She grabbed one, dished out 400000 rupees (King Gaben gave them each several million rupees and plenty of gold), and wandered out of the store with her new portal gun.

"Ayy lmao," she said, fingering the trigger of the gun. She stared up at a ledge on a nearby building.

"I wonder if I can get up there," Ciri said. She shot a portal onto the ground, and one onto the ledge. And then she jumped into the portal, and found herself up on the ledge. Then she closed the portal.

"Cool," she said.

"Hello Ciri," came an old male voice from behind her. She whirled around, and saw an open window behind her.

Looking through the window was Ciri's old boyfriend Klippi.

"What are you doing here?" asked Klippi.

"YOU..." said Ciri, with 102 years of hatred being released in a single breath. "I HATE YOU!"

"Lol," said Klippi. "I thought you were staying in Cintra waiting for the Witcher to arrive."

"It's good to see you finally gave up on him."

"I'm here with the Witcher," said Ciri, emotionless. "My wait was not in vain."

"Then where is he now?" asked Klippi. "Are you coming back to be with me?"

"He... kicked me out for a bit. I gassed a bear and he got mad."

Ciri sighed.

"You can live with me, y'know," said the old man.

"No," said Ciri.

"I still looooove you," said Klippi.

"I have no time for this stupid boring relationship drama," said Ciri.

"You can't stay out on the streets alone during the night," said Klippi.

"Why not?" asked Ciri.

"There's a gang hanging around in the shady parts of town and in the alleyways," explained Klippi. "They're called ISIS."

"You can come in with me tonight, and they won't blow you up," said Klippi as seductively as an annoying old man could.

"No, I'll take my chances," said Ciri. And then she shot the portal gun on the ledge and then on a wall in one of the alleyways, and jumped through.

Klippi closed his window, and heard a knock on the door.

Ciri wandered through the dark alleyways.

Dark shadows moved about. She was in the dangerous part of town.

A man with brown skin and a turban walked up to her.

"Get out of my way," she said to him. The man said nothing.

Ciri tried to walk around the man, but he blocked her.

"Please, just get out of my way!" she repeated. The man, again, was silent.

He slowly moved up to her and moved his mouth up to her ear.

And then he whispered two words:

"Allahu Akbar."

And then he exploded.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXIV

TALES OF NEWELL


	24. Part XXIV

**The Witcher: Part XXIV**

 **Tales of Newell**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Ciri ran into a member of the evil street gang ISIS. And he blew himself up.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

The Tale of Ciri:

The man exploded, his innards become outards within a matter of seconds.

Ciri was sure that it was the end for her. And then she realised what she had to do.

She pulled out her portal gun and shot it at the man as he exploded. A portal appeared on his exploding chest, causing the blast to portal to the location of Ciri's previous portal.

There was still enough of the blast remaining to send Ciri flying into the nearest brick wall, her long white hair mildly singed.

She rubbed the back of her neck and then considered this near-death experience. In all of her 127 years, Ciri had never been as afraid as she was in that moment when the ISIS thug exploded.

In that moment, Ciri empathised with all of the people and animals she had killed over the years.

She knew true fear.

"I repent," said Ciri, a changed woman. "I am sorry for gassing the bear."

And she reached into her bag and grabbed all of her remaining mustard gas bombs, and threw them all into the nearest dumpster.

"I will never use mustard gas again," she said righteously.

Unfortunately, the mustard gas bombs all detonated from inside the dumpster, and a large amount of mustard gas was now pouring out the top. Ciri swore, and then ran away from the rising yellow cloud.

As the sun set, Ciri walked out onto the streets, and decided she would go and find Geralt so she could say sorry.

The Tale of Communist O'Lenin:

Communist O'Lenin was walking the streets alone tonight.

Grey had gone off to church or something, and Severus was still at the hotel scheming.

Communist O'Lenin decided it would be a great time to attempt to impose socialist values on the leaders of Newell.

He went up to the palace of King Gaben, and knocked.

The door was opened by a Combine policeman.

"Take me to the king," said O'Lenin.

"Why? Who are you?" asked the Combine policeman suspiciously.

"A politician, worried about a few current affairs," said Communist O'Lenin. "Please let me in, my comrade."

Happy that he had been called a 'comrade', the Combine soldier escorted O'Lenin to King Gaben.

"A politician," said the Combine soldier to the king. Gaben turned around and dismissed the soldier.

"I suppose you're here to debate paid mods," said Gaben. "I personally don't see the harm in me getting a bit of revenue when people mod the city."

"It's kind of like GST."

"That's not the main problem," said O'Lenin. "By allowing people to profit off city mods, you allow those with money and resources, the rich, oppress the proletariat even more, disrupting the social equality and harmony of your city."

"So you're suggesting I implement socialist slash communist ideals?" asked King Gaben.

"Yes," said O'Lenin earnestly.

"Good idea!" said Gaben.

The Tale of Geralt and Lady Feudalism:

It was nighttime.

Iorverth had left to go to some night market thing (he was the only one any interested in shopping).

So for the first time since Iorverth joined Team Witcher, Geralt and Lady Feudalism were left alone together.

Lady Feudalism and Geralt sat awkwardly on the couch in their house.

"So," said Lady Feudalism. "Have you... ever had alcohol?"

Geralt shook his head.

Lady Feudalism laughed.

"I like alcohol," she said.

She went to the cupboard and grabbed an alcoholic beverage. It was called 'The Gaben Spirit'.

"I don't really want to drink alcohol," said Geralt. "I don't want to get drunk or anything."

"Is alcohol against your morals?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"No... it's just that I don't want to be drunk or anything," replied Geralt. "I need to be on guard in case we get attacked by someone. Being drunk means I won't really be up to the job."

"Yolo," said Lady Feudalism.

She poured two glasses of 'The Gaben Spirit', and downed one of them in one movement.

She gave the other glass to Geralt.

"Try it," she said. "It's good."

"Uh... I don't know..." said Geralt.

"Come on, Geralt, stop being such a -"

"Fine then," said Geralt. He downed the glass.

"That wasn't too bad actually," said Geralt. "I'd like another."

"Okay," said Lady Feudalism.

She poured another two glasses.

The Tale of Christian Grey:

Christian Grey walked into the church.

It was empty, save for the priest, who kneeled silently in prayer at the front.

Grey knelt beside him.

"Hard night?" asked the priest.

"I killed a man today," said Grey. "Does that make me a bad man?"

"Probably," said the priest.

"But, it was like justified, I think," reasoned Grey. "And it was a quick death, with a ceremonial axe."

"You're probably still a bad man," said the priest.

"But it was justified though," said Grey. "He wasn't going to give us a hotel room unless we paid him money. That's like... holding our comfort hostage."

"I still reckon your soul is damned," said the priest.

"I'm here repenting though," said Christian Grey. "Doesn't God forgive all transgressions?"

"Are you truly sorry?" asked the priest.

"Is that really an important part of asking for forgiveness?" asked Grey.

"Yeah, it kinda is," said the priest.

"Every time I kill someone, I repent. Isn't that enough to make me a good man?" asked Christian Grey.

"Not really, no," said the priest.

"Like, you've probably killed some people, haven't you, Father?" asked Grey.

"Nope," said the priest.

"I'm a devout Christian," said Grey.

"And a murderer," said the priest.

"You're a rubbish priest," said Christian Grey.

And then he left the church, and the priest went back to his prayers.

The Tale of Iorverth:

Iorverth was walking home in the moonlight. And then he suddenly saw a shadow in one of the alleyways.

He decided to investigate.

He followed the shadow down the alleyway (carrying a load of groceries from the market).

And then the alleyway came to a dead end.

A small figure sat at the end of the alleyway.

"Hello Iorverth," said the figure.

"Who are you?" asked Iorverth.

The figure turned around.

"I am Tivoherr," he said. "I'm a hallucination of the other side of your mind."

"What do you want?" asked Iorverth, not all that surprised.

"I'm just here to warn you," said Tivoherr.

"About what?" asked Iorverth.

"That every moment, I'm getting stronger, and tougher, and one day, I'll take your physical form and reclaim the elf empire!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared Tihoverr.

"Meh," said Iorverth, not particularly shocked or surprised. And he walked away.

The Tale of Severus:

Severus sat in his hotel room with his new acquaintance, the annoying old man Klippi.

It had turned out the creepy old man had planted a tracking device on Ciri, so Klippi could find out where she lived. In exchange for the knowledge of where the Witcher lived, Severus had agreed that Klippi could join him on his quest for the Sword of Death.

"We're finally going to track down the Witcher," said Severus, looking at the device showing Ciri's movements.

It was around 6am in the morning by this point, and Communist O'Lenin and Christian Grey both entered, somewhat tired from their nighttime excursions.

"Okay," began Severus to his new band of comrades. "Let's go find the Witcher, and end him and his team."

They exited the hotel room, walked down the stairs, past the front desk and the decapitated corpse of the hotel owner, and out onto the streets.

They carefully followed Ciri's movements, and they eventually found themselves in the rich part of town. Ciri's movements ended at a large nice-looking house.

"This is where the Witcher is," said Severus. "We must be discreet and quiet, and sneak in and assassinate him while he's sleeping."

But it was too late. Klippi was already banging on the front door.

"My looove, Ciri, I am here to reclaim you!"

Severus facepalmed.

The door was answered by Iorverth and Ciri.

"Hello Ciri..." said Klippi.

Severus was angry now. He shot balls of fire at the house.

"It's PRINCE SEVERUS!" yelled Ciri to the other two.

Severus created a giant whirlwind, and destroyed most of the house.

Geralt and Lady Feudalism were lying motionless on the carpet.

"Wake up!" said Iorverth.

"My heaadd..." said Geralt, suffering from a quite terrible hangover.

"No time for that now!" said Ciri, as Severus approached.

In that moment, Geralt realised what was happening. He cast a magick spell to clear the hangovers from himself and Lady Feudalism, and then he drew his sword.

"Prepare to die, Witcher," said Severus.

And then he rushed forward and attacked.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXV

MORTAL KOMBAT


	25. Part XXV

**The Witcher: Part XXV**

 **Mortal Kombat**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Severus Hitler, former Prince, has attacked Geralt, with the intention of killing him. And his now four man team is going to face Team Witcher in combat!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"Last time we met you bested me," said Severus to Geralt. "Back then I was as an angry baby,"

"But I have undergone character development. I am a better man, a better fighter, and a better manipulator."

"Now, I am the master."

Severus stared down Geralt.

Next to Geralt, stood Lady Feudalism.

"My brother," she said to Communist O'Lenin.

"You are a plague upon the world," said Communist O'Lenin. "Your dated ideals no longer have a place in this modern communist world. You are against social equality."

Communist O'Lenin stared down his sister.

On Geralt's other side, stood Iorverth.

"My old boss, Iorverth," said Christian Grey. "I never really respected your authority. And I reckon you're a loser."

Finally, behind Geralt, stood Ciri.

"Please, may I just kiss you once," said Klippi who was inching towards Ciri.

"Never!" screamed Ciri. She charged forth and punched Klippi in the face.

He was momentarily stunned, and she jabbed him again as he staggered back. She threw another punch, but he blocked with his arm and punched back. She dodged it and kicked Klippi in the stomach.

She then jumped up in the air like a ninja and kicked him again in the head. As she fell, Klippi grabbed Ciri by the ankle and put her foot in his mouth. He bit her foot, and Ciri screamed in pain.

She fell to the ground, and stood up, red blood coming out of her foot. She limped up to Klippi again and attacked.

Iorverth was dueling Grey in another part of the ruins of the Team Witcher house. Iorverth slashed with his sword, and Grey blocked it with the ceremonial axe he stole.

They had a very gentlemanly sword / axe fight, with clean slashes, stabs, and parries. Iorverth managed to corner Grey with some rubble.

With nowhere to go, Grey tossed his axe at Iorverth's face. Iorverth blocked the flying axe and it clattered to the ground.

He then lifted his sword for the final incapacitating blow. Just then, Grey jumped up and wrestled Iorverth's sword out of his hands.

Iorverth grabbed the shoddy ceremonial axe and the fight continued.

Meanwhile, a group of Combine soldiers had gathered to watch the fight.

"Should we do something about the fight?" asked one Combine soldier. "We're supposed to be upholding the law."

"Nah, just sit and watch," replied his friend, who dipped a hand into the bag of popcorn he was holding.

In the ruins of the house, Lady Feudalism was having a magical fight against her brother.

Lady Feudalism cast a Fus Ro Dah at her brother, and he stumbled back. Communist O'Lenin then shot a Communist beam at Lady Feudalism, and a hammer and sickle appeared on her forehead.

She was somewhat stunned by the political philosophy of communism that entered her mind.

"Goood," said O'Lenin.

But she quickly recovered, and she picked up some rubble with magic and tossed them at O'Lenin. O'Lenin rolled out of the way with much skill and grabbed a sofa with his communist muscles.

Lady Feudalism destroyed the sofa with her eye lasers.

The most interesting fight though, was Geralt vs. Severus Hitler.

Geralt and Severus were flying and circling each other in the sky.

"I have prepared for this fight very carefully," said Severus. "There is no way you can win."

Severus cast a rain dance, and it started to rain. This reacted with some gases that Severus had discharged into the air before the fight, and the air exploded around Geralt.

Geralt swung his sword in a circle, and the golden blade absorbed the heat. Geralt then quickly fired a barrage of sword beams at Severus. Severus blocked them with a magickek shield, and the sword beams bounced back at Geralt.

Severus then used the rainclouds to shoot lightning at Geralt.

"This is sure to be a fatality," said Severus.

Just outside of Newell, there was a small palace. This was Hitler's temporary home.

He sat on his throne, intently watching a screen on his tablet.

His 48 man orchestra were playing 'The Imperial March' as always.

"I don't think I like that piece anymore," said Hitler quietly.

The music stopped.

"I don't want to be seen as a super melodramatic insane villain. Give me something a little toned down, but more ominous."

After a few moments, they started playing Darth Sidious' theme.

"Goood," breathed Hitler.

He went back to his screen.

On it, was a livestream of a fight between Geralt and some guy that looked vaguely like his son Severus (but of course, it couldn't be, because Severus was dead).

He grabbed his phone, and pushed in a number.

"Hello Admiral," he said. "I want you to send some of your men to go and capture the Witcher and that man he's fighting. Use the kryptonite I gave you if necessary."

The four fights continued in the ruins of the Team Witcher house.

Ciri continued her mad brawl with her ex-boyfriend. Iorverth continued trying to axe his former soldier. Lady Feudalism continued her politically fueled fight with her brother.

And Geralt and Severus fought in the air.

Suddenly, a giant crowd of men, some with turbans, and all with black clothes and long beards appeared.

They ran forward into the ruins of the house, and they started yelling:

"Allahu Akbar!"

"Oh great, it's ISIS," said Severus.

Klippi and Ciri were knocked out and tied up and dragged away. Iorverth attempted to fight off the ISIS thugs but he wasn't skilled enough with the ceremonial axe Grey stole and he too was knocked out. Christian Grey was also overwhelmed by the sheer number of thugs and was also knocked out and dragged off.

Lady Feudalism and Communist O'Lenin were surrounded by ISIS thugs.

And then they all started screaming

"Allahu Akbar!"

"Allahu Akbar!"

"Allahu Akbar!"

The dankest nasheed was playing in the background.

And then all of the ISIS thugs exploded.

Lady Feudalism and Communist O'Lenin tried to protect themselves from the fifteen explosions taking place around them, but they were overwhelmed and were knocked out.

Only Severus and Geralt were left. But the ISIS thugs were slowly constructing a human pyramid to reach Severus and Geralt.

And after one hundred thugs had joined the pyramid, they all screamed

"Allahu Akbar!"

And then the human pyramid exploded, and Severus and Geralt were knocked out of the air by the nuclear sized explosion.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXVI

ALLAHU ACKBAR


	26. Part XXVI

**The Witcher: Part XXVI**

 **Allahu Ackbar**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher and Severus' morally ambiguous team were both captured by the evil street gang ISIS.

How will our heroes / anti-heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt's vision was blurry, as he awoke in chains in a small room with concrete floors and walls. Also in chains in the same room was Lady Feudalism, Iorverth, Ciri, Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, Christian Grey, and Klippi.

Geralt was the only one awake.

He tried to magick himself out of his chains.

It didn't work.

"What?" exclaimed Geralt. "What has happened to my magick?"

Severus Hitler was just waking up at this point.

"They've..." mumbled Severus. "They've injected us with kryptonite... we lose all magic or magick or magickek."

"Forever?" asked Geralt worriedly.

"Of course not, you moron," said Severus. "The inhibitor will wear off after a few hours. But I'm guessing our kind hosts are going to give us another dose before then."

The other six were slowly awakening at this point.

"We have to get out somehow," said Geralt.

"How?" said Severus. "We have no magic or magick or magickek, and they've taken away all of our weapons."

Geralt pulled at his chains. Fortunately for him, they were defective chains, due to a minor error when they were produced, causing them to rust at an unusually fast rate.

They broke as soon as he tugged them, and due to the overestimation of force needed, Geralt tumbled back into the wall behind him.

Conveniently placed on that wall, were a set of keys. Geralt grabbed them and released Ciri and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism from their bondage.

"Please, comrades release us," said Communist O'Lenin.

"Should I?" asked Geralt. "Maybe I will."

"But only if you lot promise not to attack me anymore."

"Fine, we'll have a truce then, while we get out of this place," said Severus. So Geralt released Team Morally Ambiguous also.

"Now what?" asked Geralt.

The room had only one door, and it was locked. None of the keys worked.

"I'll try to kick it down," said Iorverth. He ran up to the door and kicked at it as hard as he could.

This created a loud banging sound.

"You fool," said Severus. "We should be discreet."

An ISIS guard opened the door after hearing the banging noise, and Christian Grey smacked him in the head, knocking him out. The awkward team of eight then carefully crept around the corridors of the ISIS base.

"I hate stealth missions," said Severus.

Eventually, they arrived in a storeroom. In it, were their confiscated weapons.

Geralt reclaimed his golden sword Smite, Iorverth reclaimed his sword, Ciri reclaimed her portal gun, and Christian Grey reclaimed his ceremonial axe.

And then they were noticed by an ISIS guard. He ran forward, wielding a scimitar.

"Allahu Akbar!" he cried as he charged forward. He sliced at Geralt, and Geralt parried. Unfortunately, without magickal reinforcement, his soft gold sword bent out of shape.

Geralt said a mildly bad word at this point.

With Geralt unable to continue, Christian Grey and Iorverth charged forward, and attacked the ISIS guard. Christian Grey lopped off his head.

Geralt glowered disapprovingly at Christian Grey.

"It's okay to kill people if you repent afterwards," said Christian Grey. The team then continued out into the corridor.

ISIS guards were everywhere.

They stealthily sneaked past the load of guards, but...

Klippi slipped, and screamed as he fell to the floor.

"Damnit Klippi," said Severus, as a whole bunch of ISIS guards came upon them, all screaming "Allahu Akbar!"

Geralt opened some grating on the wall and tried to enter a conveniently placed ventilation shaft. Unlike most ventilation shafts, this one was too small for a convenient escape.

He flicked a switch in the ventilation shaft.

The ISIS guards were gaining on them, and before long, they were surrounded.

"Don't move or we'll explode," said one of the guards.

"We will take you to our leader," said another guard.

They were put back in chains and then they were escorted to the chamber in which the leader of ISIS resided.

The chamber was golden, and in the middle of it, there was a throne. On the throne, sat a figure in a full white body suit and helmet, with a tinted visor.

"Allahu Ackbar!" said the ISIS guards as they saluted their leader. The leader of ISIS pulled off his helmet, revealing salmon-coloured skin, a high domed head, and fish-like eyes.

"I am Admiral Ackbar, the leader of ISIS," he said. "I hear you eight tried to escape the ISIS base."

"We would have succeeded too, if not for this imbecile," said Ciri, gesturing to Klippi.

"My good friend, Adolf Hitler, has requested that you eight be transferred into his custody," said Ackbar. "The Nazi Elf Draugr will be here to collect you momentarily."

Just then, a white gas began to pour out of the ventilation shaft. His men began to cough.

"It's a trap!" said Admiral Ackbar.

"I switched your air conditioning to tear gas conditioning," said Geralt, who was laughing. "Now we can get out of here."

Geralt and Lady Feudalism and Iorverth and Ciri ducked under the confused group of ISIS guards, and escaped Admiral Ackbar's chamber.

Severus followed suit, gesturing to his Team Morally Ambiguous to follow Team Witcher. Unfortunately for them, Severus lost sight of Team Witcher in the confusion.

"I will get you one day Witcher, if it's the last thing I ever do!" said Severus.

Team Witcher made the escape from Newell as fast as they could. Despite the hospitality of King Gaben, ISIS made the town a bit too intense for their liking.

So they were charging forward on their magick carpet, towards their next exciting adventure.

The next night, they found themselves stopping at a small village on the side of a lake. On one of the buildings, there was a poster plastered up with a picture of an old woman on it.

There were also some words.

It read:

"Meet the mighty Soothsayer Abigail, who is never wrong and can tell you about your future if you give her money. She is not a fraud."

"Ooh, a fortuneteller!" said Ciri. "I want to know the future!"

They found Abigail's hut and entered.

"Strange travellers," she said. "Dost ye want to hear thy fate? Pay just fifty gold pieces, and thou shalt know thy future..."

Ciri flicked fifty gold pieces to Abigail.

"Very well..." she said. "I know... that in your future..."

"All of ye... all four of ye strange travellers..."

"Shalt certainly die!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXVII

BACK TO THE FUTURE


	27. Part XXVII

**The Witcher: Part XXVII**

 **Back to the Future**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher met a fortuneteller woman called Abigail. And she revealed to them, that in their future, they are all going to die!

What is happening?

Geralt stared at the fortuneteller in disbelief.

"We are not going to die! You're a fraud!"

"I'm afraid, Geralt, that thee and thy three associates wilt die," said the fortuneteller with the delicateness of a flying brick.

"Geralt, I don't know if you've realised, but everyone has a limited lifespan," pointed out Lady Feudalism. "Everyone dies at one point."

Geralt sighed.

"So if that is the case, then you still haven't told us anything new," he said to Abigail.

"If ye wouldst likest more information, I will oblige only if you give me another 50gp," said Abigail.

Ciri flicked over another 50gp. One of the gps hit Abigail in the head, and she said "ow."

She then quickly returned to her act.

"I see a vision of ye before your final fight," said Abigail. "I see an old woman, a young man, a young witch, and thee, Geralt, flying on thy carpet towards thy final destination."

Geralt sighed again.

"She's not telling us anything we don't already know," said Geralt.

"It will be another 50gp if thou wouldst like details on the result to thy quest," said Abigail.

"I'd be interested in hearing it," said Iorverth, who had begun to tire of the stupidity of this 'fortuneteller'. Ciri paid another 50gp.

"Very well..." began Abigail. She pulled out a crystal ball and rubbed it with her hands.

"I... see... the result of thy quest," she said. "Thou wilt not succeed entirely, yet thou wilt not fail entirely. Some of your number may die, yet some of your number may not die," said Abigail.

"That is the most useless prediction I have ever heard," Iorverth said. "Let's stop wasting our money on this moron."

A man from the town walked into the hut.

"I'll have you know that Mrs Abigail has never been wrong with any of her predictions, not once," said the man, with much reverence.

"She has predicted warm weather every summer and cold weather every winter."

"She has predicted that all girls in this village grow to be women and all boys grow to be men, given that they do not die."

"She has predicted that the sky shall lighten and the air shall warm in the morning, and that the sky shall darken and the air shall cool in the evening."

"Okay, I've had enough of listening to these non-predictions," said Iorverth. "We've wasted 150 gold pieces on this rubbish already."

"But she's never been wrong though, not once," replied the man.

"Okay, think about it like this," said Iorverth. "Have you ever made a single prediction in your life, young man?"

"No, sir, I believe not," replied the man.

"Then, have you ever made an incorrect prediction?" asked Iorverth.

"No," replied the man.

"Well, that's the secret of your friend Abigail. She never actually makes any predictions so she can never be wrong," explained Iorverth.

The man stared blankly into the distance for a while.

"You know I am a true fortuneteller, and not a fraud," said Abigail.

"Why is your language suddenly modern?" asked Geralt perceptively.

"Uh... what? Oh. Thou heardst nothing," Abigail muttered.

"You, madam, are a fraud," said Iorverth, smacking his fist down on Abigail's table. "Your type prevents the furthering of human knowledge and growth."

"If you want a prediction so badly, then I will predict this..." said Abigail. She looked into Iorverth's eyes.

"You will die before you reach Mountain of Death."

And she grabbed her crystal ball and smacked it over Iorverth's head in an attempt to kill him.

Geralt shot a bolt of magick to send the crystal ball into the wall.

"You can't turn your back to the future!" shouted Abigail furiously. "My prophecy will come true!"

Team Witcher exited the hut and climbed onto their magick carpet and flew away.

"I can't believe we wasted so much time with that moron," said Iorverth.

"Yeah," replied Geralt.

Christian Grey knelt beside the priest again.

"I killed another guy," he said. "I'm here to repent."

"You're a murderer," said the priest. "You can't just kill people and then come here and repent and expect that it'll all be fine."

"You're a dumb priest," said Christian Grey.

"Good people aren't generally murderers!" replied the priest, exasperated. "How many times do I have to repeat that for it to get through your thick skull!"

"But it was justified! He was an ISIS guard!" said Christian Grey.

"Oh. If he was a Muslim, it's probably okay then," replied the priest sarcastically.

"Really?" asked Christian Grey.

"No! If you keep finding yourselves in situations where you're killing people, then maybe you should consider a different job," said the priest.

Christian Grey sat and contemplated the purpose of his existence.

Team Witcher found themselves at the beach on the north coast of the Southern Continent of Rivia. Geralt stared out into the sea.

"Beyond that sea is the Northern Continent," explained Iorverth. "And in the northern region of that continent, there exists the Sky Rim. That is where we are travelling."

They boarded the flying carpet and flew off, across the ocean separating the two main continents of Rivia.

Unfortunately, Geralt was getting tired quickly. Over land, it was easy to fly the carpet, but for some reason, flying over sea was much harder.

And also, there could be no stopping for toilet breaks.

It got to the point where the other three members of Team Witcher were continually shouting at Geralt, begging for him to find some way for them to do their business.

But Geralt wasn't listening, as he struggled to keep the carpet in the air.

"How... much... further?" asked Geralt to Iorverth, who held the map.

"Not too far. We're 0.02 percent of the way there! Keep up the good work!" replied Iorverth, who was trying to retain some semblance of an optimistic attitude despite his bladder being on the verge of bursting.

"I think... this is a bit... impractical..." said Geralt.

He collapsed, unconscious.

And then the flying carpet collapsed out of the air, and Team Witcher fell into the cold and treacherous waters.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXVIII

THE HAPPY PRINCE


	28. Part XXVIII

The Witcher: Part XXVIII

The Happy Prince

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt realised that he couldn't fly his magick carpet across the sea, as this took too much energy and effort. So Team Witcher fell into the cold and treacherous waters.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt found himself face-down in the sand. He had washed up on shore.

He rolled over, and saw Ciri and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism in a similar state.

They all slowly got sat up.

"Looks like it's the end of our quest then," said Ciri drearily. "We've beaten Nazi Elf Draugr and Himmlers and Muslims Fundamentalists, but we can't get across a small stretch of ocean."

They kind of just sat there on the beach silently, in utter defeat.

After about half an hour, a man wearing a gold crown and tights, with shoulder length hair approached Team Witcher.

"Who are you?" asked Geralt to the man.

"I am the prince of this general area," he said, smiling. "They call me the Happy Prince."

"Why have you come to talk to us beach people?" asked Ciri, who had already resigned to the fact that she would likely spend the rest of her life sitting on this beach.

"You lot want to get to the Northern Continent, right?" said the Happy Prince.

"Yes," they all said.

"I have a way to get there," said the Happy Prince. "All I ask is that you lot provide protection for me so I can get safely across the ocean."

Team Witcher and the Happy Prince arrived in the port of the nearest town.

"Here are a variety of my favourite ships," said the Happy Prince, motioning in the general direction of some boats bobbing up and down in the water.

"This one here is pretty good. They call it the Ciralt," he then said, motioning to one particular boat. "Or this ship - Seveudalism."

"Or how about this one: Iorveudalism?"

"What's your favourite ship, though?" asked Lady Feudalism, who was suddenly interested in nautical matters for some reason.

"This ship," said the Happy Prince, who pointed at the most majestic ship in the port. "They call it the Geralady Feudalism."

"I want that one," said Lady Feudalism. They boarded the ship, and they set sail.

"Okay, I have something to confess," said the Happy Prince suddenly.

"What?" asked Iorverth.

"I'm... uh... not actually a prince, and this isn't my boat," explained the 'Happy Prince'.

"Then who are you?" asked Geralt.

"My name is Oscar Wilde. I needed to convince you lot to come with me on this ship, so I dressed up as a prince," he said, casually chucking the crown on his head into the water.

It was now clear it was made of cardboard.

"Why do you need our help?" asked Geralt, immediately taking an altruistic position.

"There are some people who are out to kill me, and I need to escape to the Northern Continent," replied Oscar Wilde. "So I need you lot to defend me from them. And also to defend me from the owner of this ship, should they come after us."

Geralt then realised he had participated in the stealing of the Geralady Feudalism.

He was a thief.

Severus bowed to the Seer Abigail, who had agreed to give him a free fortunetelling on the basis of his importance to the future.

"Thou wilt one day rule the world," she had said. He stepped out of her hut, and smiled at his travelling companions.

"I'm going to rule the world one day," he said. "We're going to defeat my father and that moron Geralt."

"I don't believe in fortunetellers," said Communist O'Lenin. "I don't need any phony fortuneteller to tell me what I can and cannot do in the future."

"Come on, O'Lenin, I just would appreciate an optimistic attitude," said Severus.

It was a bright morning in Vizima. The mighty hero stood before the crowd, basking in their adoration.

Countless men, women, and children crowded around him just to lay a finger on his tunic.

One child walked up to him.

"What is your name?" asked the hero.

"Iorverth, sir," replied the child.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asked the hero.

"I want to be a hero like you," replied the child. A few seconds later, the currents in the crowd shifted, and the child was swept away.

That evening, the child spoke to his mother.

"I want to be a hero when I grow up," he said. "I want to save entire towns and cities and stuff."

His mother nodded.

"I want to fly around and shoot lasers out of my eyes at baddies."

"Sounds like a good career decision," said the child's mother.

"You can be a hero, you know," came a voice from behind the child. A shortish man with pointed ears stood before him.

"I wondered how long it would take before I could break through into your dreams," he said.

"I'm dreaming?" asked the child.

"Yeah," said the pointy ear man. "In the real world, your real self is sleeping and is also an adult. But he's not a hero."

"But he can become one."

"Beneath the ocean surface, beneath the ship that you sleep aboard, there is a sunken city. One of the earliest cities of the elves. If you let me take over, then I will be able to save those elves and bring back their city."

"And you'll be a hero."

"I want to be a hero! Yeah!" said the child.

The next morning, Geralt and Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Oscar Wilde were all out on the deck.

"Where's Iorverth?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"I don't know," replied Geralt. They searched the whole ship for him.

He was not found.

"There is only one place he could have gone," said Lady Feudalism ominously.

"Where?" asked Geralt.

"Into the ocean," replied Lady Feudalism.

"Oh no!" said Geralt.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXIX

ATLANTIS


	29. Part XXIX

**The Witcher: Part XXIX**

 **Atlantis**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher now travels on the sea ship Geralady Feudalism, with the mysterious Oscar Wilde. But suddenly, Iorverth is missing!

What is happening?

The ocean started to rumble. Large waves of water rolled out, shaking the ship back and forth. And from the source of the waves, there rose a small outcropping of rock. It grew upwards, with a larger outcropping underneath it rising up also.

After about five minutes, an entire island had risen from the sea.

"Do you suppose that island might have anything to do with Iorverth?" asked Geralt.

"I don't know," replied Lady Feudalism.

"I know what that island is," added Ciri. "It is the mythical landmass of Atlantis, which was said to exist between Rivia's two continents. It was inhabited by a race of elves; a particularly powerful race of elves known as Dire Elves."

"It is said that the Dire Elves invented forbidden technologies and weapons. It is believed that they aided Satan with these weapons."

"Anyway, Jesus Christ decided he needed to put a stop to the Dire Elves, so he sealed them away under the ocean surface."

"And for some reason, Atlantis has come back," said Geralt.

"The seal must be broken," added Lady Feudalism.

"Oscar! Head for that landmass!" said Geralt to Oscar Wilde.

"Why?" asked Oscar Wilde.

"Just do it!" yelled Geralt, with such authority that Oscar Wilde had no choice but to obey.

When they arrived at Atlantis, they were greeted by a round of fast moving metal capsules, being fired from a strange mechanism held in the arms of the Dire Elves. Geralt cast a magick protection field to deflect the bullets coming from the Dire Elves' machine guns.

"Why are you here?" asked one Dire Elf. "You must be here to prevent our conquest of the world. You must die!"

Geralt continued to cast the protection spell, and he and Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Oscar Wilde sauntered into the main town of Atlantis.

"Let's go to the town hall and find out what's going on here," said Geralt.

The Atlantis City Town Hall was literally a giant hallway. They walked for about a kilometer before reaching the end of the hallway, where there sat the leader of the elves.

It was Tivoherr!

"I wondered how long it would take for you to find me," he said. "Anyway, my guardsmen are coming now to take you away, and no amount of magick can stand against their rocket launchers."

A team of seven Dire Elves came in with rocket launchers. Geralt lowered his shield and raised his hands in surrender.

"Tivoherr must have possessed Iorverth and then broke the seal on Atlantis created by Jesus," said Lady Feudalism.

They were in prison, and it stank of death and decay.

"Can't you just repair the seal?" asked Lady Feudalism to Geralt.

"Not possible," he replied stolidly. "I don't have a personal seal so I can't do seal magick."

"But..." began Geralt. "There are some weaknesses in the tectonic crust of this island."

"I might be able to sink it if I hit the right points."

"But that's genocide!" exclaimed Ciri.

"Who cares?" said Oscar Wilde. "Sink the damn island and we can get out of here."

"I have morals," replied Geralt. "Genocide is out of the question."

Team Morally Ambiguous were running to the port. There were a few angry Nazi Elf Draugr chasing them.

"Come on, hurry up," said Severus to Klippi, who was lagging several meters behind.

"Leave him," said Communist O'Lenin. "Let him be sacrificed for the common good."

Severus went back, picked up Klippi by the neck, and carried him as Severus ran.

"We need a boat to get across the ocean," pointed out Christian Grey.

"Let's take that one," said Severus. They quickly boarded a random ship, which happened to be called the Seveudalism. And they set sail as fast as they could, with the Nazi Elf Draugr falling slowly behind.

Team Witcher minus Iorverth plus Oscar Wilde were still trapped in the prison.

"Your brother can do seal magic, can't he?" asked Geralt to Lady Feudalism.

"Communist O'Lenin, yeah, he can shoot the hammer and sickle onto people's foreheads," replied Lady Feudalism.

"Where did he get his seal designed? I need a seal," said Geralt.

"From... the Great Seal," replied Lady Feudalism. "I actually think I can summon him!"

Geralt busted down the prison wall, and they went to the edge of the island.

"O Great Seal, I summon thee," said Lady Feudalism.

Nothing happened.

"O GREAT SEAL, I SUMMON THEE!" she screamed as loud as she could. There was a great rush of water and a giant seal rose from the depths.

"I am the Great Seal," said the seal.

"I want you to design me a seal," said Geralt. The seal rubbed his flippers together.

"I can give you the ability to use magick of seals, but you must design your own personal seal," he said. And then suddenly a giant white circle appeared on the ground, and a set of different coloured paintbrushes appeared in Geralt's hand.

"You have one minute to design your own seal," said the Great Seal.

"I don't know what to draw," said Geralt. "I'm not a very good artist."

He stood looking at the round paper, scratching his non-existent beard. He then had an idea.

He pulled out his black paintbrush, and drew a horizontal line across the white paper.

He then pulled out his blue paintbrush.

"Time's up," said the Great Seal. "This seal, the black line on white backdrop shall be your personal seal for as long as you live."

And the seal sealed the seal into Geralt's DNA.

And then the Great Seal departed.

"That's a pretty rubbish seal," said Ciri.

"Oh well," said Geralt.

Just then, Tivoherr appeared before them.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Sealing Atlantis away, underneath the sea, where the Dire Elves will be dormant forever," replied Geralt.

"How is that any different from genociding them?" asked Oscar Wilde. "I say you still kill them all."

"Shh," said Lady Feudalism.

And then Geralt cast his personal seal over Atlantis, causing it to be sealed away once more.

Defeated, Tivoherr transformed back into Iorverth. They then went back to the Geralady Feudalism, and left before Atlantis disappeared beneath the waves.

"I don't know what happened to me," admitted Iorverth when they got back to the ship. "I promise I'll take better care of Tivoherr from now on so he doesn't break any ancient seals."

The next morning, Team Witcher was awoken by a frantic and terrified Oscar Wilde.

"It's them!" he said.

"Who?" asked Geralt.

"Them! The ones who were coming after me to kill me!" replied Oscar Wilde. "The ones I needed protection from!"

Team Witcher looked over the ocean, and they saw a fleet of pirate ships coming for them.

"They slaughtered my entire family, and now they're coming for me," said Oscar Wilde. "You need to protect me from them!"

"This pirate group that's trying to kill you, what are they called?" asked Geralt.

Oscar Wilde responded with fear in his voice.

"They're called..."

"The Wilde Hunt."

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXX

WILDE HUNT


	30. Part XXX

**The Witcher: Part XXX**

 **Wilde Hunt**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt sealed away Atlantis once again. But Oscar Wilde had a startling revelation:

He was being chased by pirates -

The Wilde Hunt!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"Let's go let's go let's go!" shouted Oscar Wilde with unparalleled urgency.

"Dude, we can fight the stupid pirates," said Geralt.

"They're going to kill me! Flee! Get away!" screamed Oscar Wilde. Oscar Wilde ran beneath decks, and ran back up a few seconds later with a motor.

He attached to the back of the ship, and filled it up with petrol. He pulled the lever on it, and it whirred into life, increasing the speed of the Geralady Feudalism by about 0.2%.

"Come on guys, use your magic and stuff to get us to go faster!" screamed Oscar Wilde. The fleet on the horizon was quickly closing on them.

"We can take them," said Iorverth confidently.

"You can't defeat the Wilde Hunt!" said Oscar Wilde in utter and absolute fear. He grabbed the swords of Geralt and Iorverth and ran to the front of the ship, and pointed them out in front of him to make the ship more aerodynamic.

"Have you never seen Eredin?" said Oscar Wilde. "He's the scariest guy in the world!"

"Stop panicking loser," said Ciri.

"Ready the cannons!" said Oscar Wilde, running to the starboard side, and aiming guns at the approaching fleet. He fired cannonballs at them, the booms echoing throughout the air.

One of the Wilde Hunt ships was beginning to get quite close.

Geralt walked up to Oscar Wilde, grabbed him, and chucked him away from the cannons.

"We won't be sinking any ships today," said Geralt, while Lady Feudalism blushed slightly. "Let's work out our differences peacefully!" he shouted to the Wilde Hunt pirate ship.

The pirates grabbed planks, and chucked them over to the Geralady Feudalism. And they boarded, whilst Oscar Wilde ran and hid in a cupboard below deck.

Several pirates came across, one of which looked considerably more menacing than the others. He wore a tricorn hat, an eyepatch, and had a pegleg.

"I be Captain of the Hunt, Eredin," said the pirate. "Where be that dirty bilge-rat Oscar Wilde?"

"Why do you want to kill him?" asked Geralt, using his best diplomatic voice.

"Arr. His family be evil, and they all must die," replied Eredin.

"What did they ever do to you though?" asked Geralt.

"Arr. Oscar's great great grandfather did murder my great grandfather many years ago, and took all of his pirate treasure," explained Eredin. "So me grandfather stabbed Oscar's great great grandfather, killing the scoundrel."

"But the score was not yet settled, and me grandfather had not tasted enough blood. So he swore to kill every damn Wilde in the world. And I am fulfilling me grandfather's promise."

"I won't let you kill poor Oscar Wilde," replied Geralt. "His morals have been weak, but he doesn't deserve to die."

"Then I shall kill ye to get to him," replied Eredin. Eredin pulled his sword.

Geralt grabbed his sword from the deck. And then they had a pirate duel.

Geralt climbed up one of the ladders, and Eredin followed up to the observation deck on the very top of the ship. They slashed and parried.

Eredin stabbed forward, and Geralt teetered on the edge of the observation deck.

And then he fell backwards, and fell on one of the ship's sails. He stabbed his sword into the sail to break his fall, and Eredin followed, jumping down.

"Why don't you just use magick to finish him?" shouted Iorverth, ever practical.

Geralt cast a spell to set Eredin's tricorn hat on fire. He yelled and took it off, revealing his bald head.

Eredin's Wilde Hunt men were fighting Iorverth and Lady Feudalism and Ciri. Iorverth fenced with them. Lady Feudalism used magic to keep them at bay. Ciri was using her portal gun to teleport them back to their own ship.

Unfortunately, one Wilde Hunt pirate slipped past them, and went beneath decks.

"I've found the scoundrel, Eredin!" he yelled, as he came back up, holding Oscar Wilde by the neck.

"Please, I don't want to die!" said Oscar Wilde. "You promised you'd protect me Geralt!"

Eredin jumped forward, and slashed at Oscar Wilde: a final blow.

Adolf Hitler too, had a ship. It resembled an aircraft carrier.

His band of 48 men were chanting ominous music. A Nazi Elf Draugr flew in from the distance, holding a wrapped package.

"A gift," he said. "A symbol of goodwill from the Nazi Elf Draugr."

"We would like you to have it, Führer."

Adolf Hitler unwrapped the present. Inside, was a giant long sword with a blood red blade. It was considerably taller than Hitler himself.

Adolf Hitler grabbed the sword by both hands, staggering a bit due to its huge weight.

"They say this sword was one of the teeth of Lord Satan," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"I can believe it," replied Adolf Hitler. "It's a mighty weapon. I think I'll test it out now."

Adolf Hitler stabbed the Nazi Elf Draugr through the chest. It writhed in pain and twitched before falling to the ground, lifeless.

A couple of orchestra members grabbed the broken body of the draugr and chucked it overboard.

"This sword..." said Hitler admiring his new blade. "I will use it to kill the Witcher, I think."

"Yes..."

The final blow was whistling towards Oscar Wilde's neck. Geralt quickly jumped in and blocked the sword.

"Get out of my way," said Eredin angrily. "I need to kill this scoundrel!"

Just then, Ciri shot a portal at Eredin, teleporting him back to his own ship. All of the pirates had been teleported back.

"Phew," said Oscar Wilde.

"Let's get away from this Wilde Hunt then," said Geralt, now convinced of the power of the Wilde Hunt. He cast a magick spell to accelerate the ship as fast as possible.

The Geralady Feudalism sped across the water away from the Wilde Hunt.

Suddenly, they started firing torpedos.

Geralt shot lasers out of his eyes to destroy them.

After a few minutes, they saw an island in the distance. The fleet of Wilde Hunt was surrounding them from all sides.

"I'm going to get onto that island," said Oscar Wilde, who gracefully dived off the side of the ship and began swimming.

"I'll follow him and make sure the pirates don't kill him," said Geralt to the other three members of Team Witcher. "You lot can fight off the pirates from here."

Geralt jumped up and flew towards the island. Upon reaching the beach, Geralt saw Oscar Wilde staggering down the beach, running into the jungle on the island.

Wilde Hunt ships ran aground on the beach of the island.

Pirates stormed out onto the beach, chasing Geralt and Oscar Wilde.

"I hate escort missions," said Geralt. He shot some fire at the pirates.

Meanwhile, Eredin had returned to the Geralady Feudalism and was dueling Iorverth, Ciri, and Lady Feudalism all at once. Ciri jumped forward and bit Eredin on the shoulder, while Lady Feudalism cast a paralysis spell.

"Despite me being a mere muggle, ye landlubbers can't even have a chance of competing against me, the captain of the Wilde Hunt!"

Eredin pirated a giant axe from thin air and whirled it around him.

"How did he do that?" asked Ciri.

"Piracy," replied Eredin. "I downloaded it from me pirate peers."

"I can torrent anything, I need to defeat ye landlubbers."

And with that, Eredin summoned a giant torrent from the sea.

It washed over the Geralady Feudalism, casting Iorverth, Ciri, and Lady Feudalism into the cold abyss, while Eredin jumped up onto his pirated flying carpet and flew towards the island.

"Oh no!" said Lady Feudalism.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXXI

TREASURE ISLAND


	31. Part XXXI

**The Witcher: Part XXXI**

 **Treasure Island**

Previously, on The Witcher:

It turns out Eredin, pirate captain of the Wilde Hunt, is a master of the arcane art of piracy! He can pirate supplies and weapons out of thin air, and can summon torrents.

Lady Feudalism and Iorverth and Ciri have been tossed into the water from their ship, and now Eredin is coming for Oscar Wilde and Geralt!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt ran into the jungle, with Oscar Wilde, the Wilde Hunt coming from close behind. And then Eredin landed on the beach, and burnt down a swathe of the jungle with his pirated flamethrower.

"Oh no!" said Oscar Wilde, as all the pirates ran towards him.

"Come on, ye bilge-rat!" roared Eredin.

Geralt cast a spherical Fus Ro Dah, pushing back all of the pirates.

"Tell me, Eredin, what are you going to do afterwards if you manage to kill Oscar Wilde?" asked Geralt.

"Arr. I don't know," replied Eredin, realising just how shallow and pointless his life's goal was/ Angered by this, Eredin pirated a broadsword and raised it at Geralt.

"I'm not messing around this time," said Geralt. "This time, there's going to be nothing stopping me from giving you a major injury."

He drew his sword, and they had another pirate duel, this time considerably more intense.

Lady Feudalism and Iorverth and Ciri had arrived on the island at this point, and were fighting off Wilde Hunt pirates. Lady Feudalism managed to incapacitate a whole bunch of pirates using a poison-type magic spell. Ciri was punching and biting and stuff. And Iorverth's fencing skill was once again on display.

Meanwhile, Geralt was being overwhelmed by the sheer might of Eredin's piracy.

Fire nor lightning nor sword beams could touch Eredin, who had pirated some kind of body armour.

Geralt and Oscar Wilde were backed across the charred remains of the jungle. Geralt crouched down and grabbed a stick from the ground, and magicked it into a wooden baseball bat, and chucked it to Oscar Wilde.

Oscar Wilde used it to block some projectile laserish attacks Eredin fired from his pirated laser gun.

"How do I stop this guy?" said Geralt.

"Ye cannot stand the might of the pirate net," said Eredin.

And then Geralt realised what he had to do. Eredin must have been connected to all of his pirate peers via some sort of invisible pirate web or net.

Geralt cast a radiation blocking spell over Eredin's head, and Eredin screamed in pain as he couldn't get a signal. All of his pirated items began to disintegrate, as they could no longer auto-update.

And Geralt cast a paralysis spell, leaving Eredin frozen in a kneeling position.

"Arr. Ye have defeated me, ye scoundrel," said Eredin solemnly.

"Me pirates will still kill you," he shouted at Oscar Wilde. "Ye will still die!"

And then Oscar Wilde grabbed his baseball bat and smacked it into Eredin's head.

"No!" shouted Geralt. But it was too late.

Oscar Wilde smacked the bat into Eredin's head again

and again

and again

and Eredin screamed in pain.

"Stop it!" yelled Geralt angrily.

But Oscar Wilde kept smacking the bat into Eredin's head.

Eredin writhed and twitched and then was no more.

"Why did you do that?" asked Geralt. "WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR DAMN PROBLEM!"

Oscar Wilde looked straight into Geralt's eyes.

"Eredin killed my family."

"Eredin destroyed everything I had."

"I had the right to beat his head into a mushy pulp."

Geralt turned around, silent, disappointed. They walked back to the beach, and Geralt burned all of the pirate boats with one sweep of his arm.

"Let's go," said Geralt quietly to his team and Oscar Wilde. They swam back to the Geralady Feudalism.

Geralt sat down on his deck chair, and rubbed his face.

"As soon as we get to the Northern Continent, Oscar Wilde has to go," he said.

Meanwhile, the Seveudalism was making good progress across the ocean. At this point, they had sighted an island in the distance.

"Treasure Island," read Klippi from the map that came with the boat. "I want treasure."

"We are running somewhat low on funds," admitted Severus. So they made landing upon this 'Treasure Island'.

Severus, Klippi, and Christian Grey were quite excited to retrieve some treasure. However, Communist O'Lenin had some misgivings.

"What if it's a trap?" he said. "This sounds like the sort of thing my brother would do."

"Let's just see," said Klippi excitedly.

On Treasure Island, there was a single path lined with gold coloured foil, going up a hill. There was a sign a distance along this path.

"The ancient treasure of the pirate Captain Blackbeard lies here," read Klippi. "Let's go get it."

At the end of the path, there was a giant hole. And at the bottom of the hole was nothing.

"There's no treasure," said Severus.

Klippi sighed disappointedly.

"This island is named Treasure Island," pointed out O'Lenin. "You were expecting this to be a secret treasure?"

"It's literally on the map. It's kind of counter-intuitive to name your island Treasure Island and then hope that your treasure is kept secret."

"Of course somebody got here before us."

They began to walk back to their ship quite sadly.

"We didn't need that money anyway," said O'Lenin. "Money just promotes inequality and corruption."

It was a few days of monotonous travelling and Geralt ignoring Oscar Wilde before the Geralady Feudalism finally reached the Northern Continent. Geralt was the first to step out onto the new land.

"It's cold," he said.

Lady Feudalism brought him a jumper and a scarf. The rest of Team Witcher disembarked, all wearing winter clothing.

Oscar Wilde then disembarked.

"Go away," said Geralt, trying to keep his anger from showing. "And I hope I never see your damn face ever again."

Oscar Wilde ran away as fast as he could.

Geralt then summoned the magick carpet, and they flew off into the distance. After a few miles, Team Witcher encountered a village which appeared to be under siege.

They landed, and were met by an army of droids.

The droids began to shoot at Team Witcher.

"It is the Witcher," they said. "He must be captured."

"Team Witcher must be captured."

And they got a giant net and chucked it over Team Witcher.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXXII

THE MAN WITH THE MASK


	32. Part XXXII

**The Witcher: Part XXXII**

 **The Man With The Mask**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher have finally arrived in the Northern Continent! However, they have suddenly been captured by some droids.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"Welcome to your new work day."

"Remember to always follow the rules."

"Remember to never think bad thoughts."

"And, as always, remember that the Ikron Corporation loves you."

Unit 53R411 sat up, awakened from quite a strange dream. He ran his hands through his short red hair.

His dream was quite amazing, and quite fantastic.

In it, he was a great hero:

a Witcher

named Geralt.

Geralt was a hero of glory, and of honour. 53R411 almost wished his dream was true. But, of course, working for the corporation was more glorious and honourable.

53R411 walked out of his flat, and went down his workplace, the metal refinery. He worked with a whole bunch of witches, and they used their magic to refine metals for weapons for the Ikron Corporation.

He turned to his coworker, a young witch with piercing brown eyes.

"I had a strange dream last night," he said. "I thought I was some sort of Witcher guy, and I went around the world saving people."

"Shh," said the coworker. "Witcher is a banned word!"

"The Ikron Corporation will destroy you if they hear you saying that word!"

Later that day, 53R411 went down to the mines to retrieve some ore.

"I had a dream last night," he said to a couple of miners who looked vaguely familiar. One of them, an old woman, chuckled.

"Nobody has dreams anymore," she said.

"What was it about?" asked the other one, a young man.

"I... was this guy called Geralt of Rivia... on a quest for some sword," replied 53R411.

"Geralt..." said the young man slowly, carefully enunciating each sound. At that moment, 53R411 saw a man wearing a white mask signaling to him.

53R411 walked up to the man. The man raised a finger to 53R411's mouth, and signaled for 53R411 to follow him into a nearby cave.

They sat down on the cave floor, and then the man spoke.

His voice sounded metallic and fake and synthetic.

"You are Unit 53R411, correct?"

"Yes," replied 53R411.

"I know about the dreams you've been having," said the man with the mask. "I know about Geralt and the Witcher."

53R411 then realised this man was probably from the Ikron Corporation.

"Are you here to take me away?" asked 53R411.

"No. I'm here to tell you that you are Geralt of Rivia," replied the man. "Your dreams are truth."

And the man raised a finger to 53R411's temple and suddenly, it all came rushing back: How Team Witcher was captured by the droids, how their memories were edited, changed, erased.

"The Ikron Corporation is being run by Adolf Hitler," said the man with the mask. "It's entire purpose is to manufacture weapons for Nazi Elf Draugr and Himmlers. You need to restore the memories of Team Witcher, and then you need to find the leader of the Ikron Corporation and defeat him."

"Okay," said Geralt.

Just then, a whole bunch of droids busted open the cave. As quickly as he had appeared, the masked man had disappeared.

Geralt cast a fireball spell, which roasted all the droids. He had no moral objection to killing robots. Geralt then ran out into the mine, and found Ciri and Iorverth.

He used magick to restore their memories; the same magick that the masked man had used on him.

"Where is my sword?" asked Iorverth suddenly. "I feel naked and exposed without my sword."

"We'll find it," said Geralt reassuringly.

And then they went and found Lady Feudalism, who was working in the metal refinery. Geralt restored her memories, and Team Witcher was back together.

"Now we're going to find the leader of this Ikron Corporation," said Geralt. "And we're going to take him down."

Adolf Hitler, too, had arrived upon the Northern Continent.

He had chanced upon a book, about the Palace of Death.

"The front door to the palace of death is locked," read Hitler. "With a key."

"The Key of Death."

"I must find this Key of Death," said Hitler evilly. "And then I can retrieve the Sword of Death before Geralt does."

Hitler summoned a Nazi Elf Draugr forth.

"Go and find the Key of Death," he said to the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Where?" asked the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"That's what you're supposed to figure out!" said Hitler.

"Very well," said the Nazi Elf Draugr. "I will find the Key of Death."

Team Witcher arrived at the head offices of the Ikron Corporation. They walked up to the receptionist.

"We want to see the person in charge of this Ikron Corporation," said Geralt to the receptionist at the front desk.

"You want to see Mr Ikron?" said the receptionist. "You're an employee. Employees don't get to see Mr Ikron."

"We're not employees anymore," said Geralt.

The receptionist then moved her hand up to the top of her forehead, and pulled downwards. Her skin came off her face, revealing a droid face.

She was a droid!

Geralt shot fire at her, and then he suddenly saw a box with Team Witcher's weapons conveniently located under the receptionist desk. He did a ninja flip over the desk, went under, and grabbed Smite.

He then beheaded the receptionist and all of the other security droids that were advancing upon him.

Iorverth grabbed his sword, and Ciri grabbed her portal gun.

"Now, where is the office of this Mr Ikron?" asked Geralt.

And then, the man with the mask suddenly reappeared behind Geralt.

"You again!" remarked Geralt. "You keep randomly appearing and disappearing."

"Mr Ikron's office is down that hallway: the first door on the left," he said quickly. And then he vanished again.

"Who was he?" asked Ciri.

"I'm not entirely sure," replied Geralt.

Then, Team Witcher walked down the corridor, and went through the first door to the left. The room was dark and moody.

There was a really big desk on the other side of the room. At that desk, was a really big chair, turned away from Team Witcher.

"We are here to stop your dastardly deeds, Mr Ikron!" said Geralt. "Give yourself up!"

"My name is not Ikron," said a slightly familiar voice coming from behind the chair. "Ikron is merely an anagram."

And then the chair slowly turned around... revealing...

Darth Rikon!

He drew his crimson lightsaber and attacked.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXXIII

THE PHANTOM MENACE


	33. Part XXXIII

**The Witcher: Part XXXIII**

 **The Phantom Menace**

Previously, on The Witcher:

It turns out the Ikron Corporation was being run by Geralt's old enemy, Darth Rikon. And now Darth Rikon attacks Geralt!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"I've taken Rikon before, I can do it again," said Geralt, who drew his golden blade.

Darth Rikon sliced forward his lightsaber. Geralt parried to the left and swiped his sword upwards. Darth Rikon parried, but was knocked back by the force of the blow.

"You can't defeat me," said Geralt confidently, as Rikon gathered himself off the floor. And then suddenly, Geralt's vision began to cloud.

Phantom shapes began to shift around him. And then, one phantom took the shape of Geralt. Another phantom took the shape of Adolf Hitler.

Phantom Geralt wielded two swords and held them at Hitler's throat. Was this a vision of the future?

And then phantom Geralt spoke.

"Adolf Hitler. You are a very bad man. You have killed millions of people. And for that, you will die."

And phantom Geralt thrust both of his swords through Phantom Hitler's chest, and Phantom Hitler dissolved into the air.

"Noooo!" cried the real Geralt. "I will never do that!"

"I will never betray my morals! Without my morals, I'd be like the most generic hero ever!"

Meanwhile, Iorverth was also dealing with his own phantoms. Phantom Iorverth appeared before him, wearing tattered rags. And behind Phantom Iorverth came Phantom Geralt, again wielding two swords.

"I have done it," said Phantom Geralt. "I am a true hero."

"It's a shame you never had a chance to be the hero yourself."

"Noooo!" cried Iorverth. "I am more of a hero than Geralt! I am the protagonist of this story, not him!"

At the same time, Lady Feudalism had a vision not of herself, but of some other woman. Phantom Geralt appeared before Lady Feudalism, but completely ignored her, instead heading straight for the other phantom woman.

"Yennefer!" said Phantom Geralt excitedly, moving into the arms of the phantom woman. Lady Feudalism looked away before she saw what happened next.

Finally, Ciri, too was plagued by a phantom. This phantom was of herself.

Phantom Ciri looked almost the same as real Ciri, except much, much older. Phantom Ciri hobbled slowly towards real Ciri, and then collapsed. Phantom Ciri groaned, stuck on the ground, unable to move.

"I will never be that senile," said Ciri, trying to preserve her ever present optimism. And then Geralt, the real one, walked up to Ciri.

"These phantoms are quite menacing," he said. "We need to find out who's making them and then put a stop to this."

Geralt cast a tracking magick spell: a spell which could find the source of a magic spell.

The source of the phantoms was located under Darth Rikon's desk. Geralt shot some lightning in that general direction, and all of the phantoms vanished.

Rikon had disappeared, nowhere to be seen. And underneath the desk, there sat a chubby man with a white beard.

"Who are you?" asked Geralt.

"I'm George Lucas," replied the man. "I created the phantom menace."

"Damn you," said Geralt. "Because of you, Rikon got away."

"When he comes back he'll probably be with a bunch of droids and Himmlers."

"I think your story is quite interesting," said George Lucas as if he hadn't heard anything Geralt had said. "I hear you used to be a chicken. I think a chicken-Geralt prequel trilogy would be quite-"

Geralt Fus Ro Dah'd George Lucas out the window.

"Now that that imbecile is gone, let's get away from here before Rikon comes back with reinforcements," said Iorverth.

But it was too late. Rikon had returned. And he was alone.

"What was your logical reason for leaving and then coming back?" asked Geralt.

"I have returned to destroy you, Geralt," said Darth Rikon ominously. A white gas began pour out of the nearby ventilation shaft.

Nazi Elf Draugr #1420 was on the hunt for the Key of Death. He had arrived at a quite large and magnificent library overlooking a lake.

The name of the library was 'The Library of Death'.

He walked into the library, where an old man sat at the front desk.

"Do you know where the Key of Death is?" asked Nazi Elf Draugr #1420.

"No," replied the old man.

"You lie," replied Nazi Elf Draugr #1420.

"I've never heard of any Key of Death," said the old man.

"Then what's that around your neck?" asked the Nazi Elf Draugr. Around the librarian's neck, there was a string with a key tied at the bottom.

On the key, the letters K.O.D were clearly inscribed.

Nazi Elf Draugr #1420 grabbed the man's head and snapped his neck. And then, he retrieved the Key of Death.

"Hitler will be pleased..." he said.

Darth Rikon stood across the room from Geralt.

"George Lucas and the phantoms were mere distractions I set up," said Darth Rikon. "...so I could go and set up the ventilation system to release this gas."

The white gas now filled the room.

"This is kryptonite gas. You are defenseless."

Team Witcher ran out of the office to escape the gas.

"It is too late. Your magick has already been suppressed," said Rikon, following them.

"Your magickek is suppressed as well!" said Iorverth, charging forward with his sword. Rikon punched Iorverth in the face, knocking him out.

Rikon then punched Lady Feudalism and Ciri in the face, knocking them out also, whilst Geralt retreated into a side room.

"Take these three to the carbonite," said Rikon to a couple of passing droids. "I will deal with the Witcher."

Rikon walked into the side room, which was actually a massive reactor shaft.

Geralt and Rikon stood on the gantry, and Rikon pulled out his lightsaber. "You are beaten. It is useless to resist," said Darth Rikon.

Rikon sliced at Geralt. Geralt parried with his sword, and somehow, the unreinforced gold was able to block Rikon's lightsaber.

"I will make you this offer," said Rikon to Geralt. "Join me and Hitler, and together, we can achieve absolute power."

"No!" said Geralt.

Rikon sliced again at Geralt, and Geralt slowly moved back to the narrow edge of the gantry, barely parrying each blow.

"There is no escape," said Rikon. "Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realise your importance. You have only begun to discover your power."

"Join me and Hitler, and with our combined strength, we can bring order to Rivia."

"I'll never join you!" cried Geralt defiantly.

"If you only knew the power of the Hitler side," said Rikon. "Nobody ever told you what happened to your father."

"I'm guessing you're going to tell me it was you who killed him!" said Geralt.

And then Rikon looked straight into Geralt's eyes, into his very soul.

"No."

"I am your father."

Geralt looked at Rikon in utter disbelief.

"No. No. That's not true! That's impossible! My father was a chicken!" said Geralt.

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true," replied Rikon.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Geralt.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" replied Rikon, mocking Geralt.

"The name Rikon is an anagram," said Darth Rikon. "My real name... is Korin."

"Geralt, I am your father."

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXXIV

THE BODY IN THE LIBRARY


	34. Part XXXIV

**The Witcher: Part XXXIV**

 **The Body in the Library**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Darth Rikon has been revealed to be - Geralt's father Korin!

Geralt stands at the edge of the gantry, defenseless due to kryptonite. The rest of Team Witcher are going to be frozen in carbonite!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"How can you be my father?" yelled Geralt, exasperated. "It's not possible for a human to give rise to a chicken!"

"I am a chicken," said Rikon without missing a beat. "Or rather, I was born a chicken. I was grievously injured, and Adolf Hitler suited me up and restored me to full operating order. Now, you will join me and Hitler, or be destroyed."

Geralt edged closer and closer to the edge of the gantry. He looked down to the ultimate drop of doom. Down the shaft, he could see a small ledge. He realised if he jumped correctly, he might be able to reach the ledge.

"I will never betray my morals," said Geralt defiantly.

And then he jumped off the gantry.

Falling, Geralt aimed his sword towards the ledge, attempting to streamline himself to reach the ledge. Unfortunately, he missed and continued to fall to his doom down the reactor shaft.

Iorverth, Lady Feudalism, and Ciri were being dragged by a bunch of droids to the carbonite freeze facility of the Ikron Corporation.

"I don't want to be frozen in carbonite," said Ciri to one of the droids. "Can you please find it in your heart to let me free?"

"I don't have a heart," replied the droid. "I am made of metal."

They were dragged into the carbonite freezing facility.

"You will now be frozen," said the droid.

Iorverth, Ciri, and Lady Feudalism were slowly lowered into the carbonite.

"Where is Geralt when you need him?" said Lady Feudalism.

And then, out of nowhere, a man in a white mask entered the room and lightninged all of the droids to death.

"Oh, look, a friendly deus ex machina," said Ciri.

The man in the white mask unbound Ciri and Iorverth and Lady Feudalism. His voice sounded robotic and distorted.

"Ciri!" said the man excitedly.

"Lady Feudalism!"

And then he turned to Iorverth.

"Iorverth..."

He lingered on that name.

"Iorverth… I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what? How do you know our names anyway?" asked Iorverth.

"Never mind that," said the masked man. "Let's get out of here."

Geralt was plummeting down the reactor shaft. It was very long. It seemed to have no end.

"If there's no end, then I suppose I won't die," reasoned Geralt.

Unfortunately after a few seconds Geralt saw the bottom of the reactor shaft. And then, out of nowhere, the masked man from before appeared, flew up, swept Geralt into his arms, and deposited Geralt safely on the ground.

"You again," said Geralt to the man with the mask.

"Hi Geralt," said the man. "Let's reunite you with the rest of your team, and then you can continue on your quest."

Iorverth, Ciri, and Lady Feudalism were walking down an Ikron Corporation hallway with the masked man.

"Where is Geralt, by the way?" asked the masked man.

"I don't know," replied Iorverth. "I think he'd probably be fighting Darth Rikon right now or something."

"Oh, that's right," said the masked man as if he was remembering something. "I'll bring him to you."

And then the masked man suddenly disappeared.

A few moments later, Geralt walked in with the masked man.

"How did you get to him so quickly?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"Doesn't really matter," replied the man.

"Quickly? I've been walking with this guy for five minutes," said Geralt.

"He's only been gone a few seconds though," pointed out Ciri.

"He must have been in two places at once!" concluded Iorverth.

"Oh... uh..." began the masked man. "That was my... uh... twin," he said quite unconvincingly.

"What's going on with you?" asked Lady Feudalism.

Just then, Darth Rikon burst in.

"My son, you have survived!" he said to Geralt. "I will grant you one more chance to change your mind."

And then the masked man, ever the deus ex machina, Fus Ro Dah'd Rikon into the corridor wall. Rikon collapsed to the ground.

"Okay, let's go," said Geralt.

"No," said the masked man. "You need to talk to your father and make him see reason."

"Okay," said Geralt, turning over the prostrate form of his father. "My father, why have you forsaken me? Why have you followed the path of Hitler? Why?"

Rikon breathed slowly.

"Because... I thought... I owed Adolf Hitler. He saved me. He showed me the power of evil, and I obeyed him."

Geralt raised a finger to his father's forehead. His magick had returned.

"Korin... you will no longer be evil. You will no longer kill. You will no longer work for Adolf Hitler."

And then Korin lapsed into unconsciousness.

"You have done well," said the man with the mask. "He will no longer plague you as a foe."

"How do you know all this anyway?" asked Iorverth skeptically. "How were you in two places at once? How are you so powerful?"

"Very well," said the masked man. "I will reveal myself, but don't expect any explanation… at least for a while. As far as you're concerned, what you are about to see might constitute a plot hole."

And the man grabbed his mask and pulled it off his face.

Geralt stared into the masked man's eyes.

The man's face was his own.

Although older, and with long white hair rather than short red hair.

"No explanations," said the older Geralt.

And then he disappeared.

"Oh well, let's continue our journey," said Geralt.

And they left the Ikron Corporation.

Nazi Elf Draugr #1420 arrived in Adolf Hitler's temporary office. Adolf Hitler had taken up residence in a mansion near the lake. His office was dimly lit and somewhat dank.

"I have the Key of Death," said Nazi Elf Draugr #1420.

"Goood," breathed Hitler slowly. "Now it is certain that I will get to the Sword of Death first."

And then Adolf Hitler grabbed his massive sword and plunged it through Nazi Elf Draugr #1420's chest.

"Lol," said Hitler at the twitching form of the dying Nazi Elf Draugr.

It was getting dark.

Team Witcher were flying along, when they saw a lake with a library beside it.

"Let's stop there for the night," said Geralt.

Team Witcher landed their carpet outside the library. 'The Library of Death' was plastered in large, bold letters above the front door.

"This looks like a lovely place to stay," said Iorverth sarcastically.

They entered the library and were greeted by a corpse collapsed on the front desk. Iorverth walked up to the corpse, and rested his hand on the dead man's head.

"Recently dead. Died due to a snapped neck."

"Ooh, a murder mystery. I love murder mysteries," said Ciri.

Geralt walked into a library side room and came out with a pipe and a Sherlock Holmes hat.

"Time to make some deductions," he said.

He grabbed a Sherlock Holmes book from a nearby shelf and flicked through it.

"Judging by the fact that there's only one entrance to this dark and creepy library, I can deduce that the murderer entered and exited through the front door!" said Geralt.

"I wanted to be the sleuth," said Iorverth, but nobody heard him.

Geralt waddled out the front door and saw an unusual brown patch on the concrete outside the library.

"This brown patch must be dirt," said Geralt.

"No, shit, Sherlock," pointed out Ciri.

"Hmm... this does indeed appear to be fecal matter," said Geralt.

"Didn't we see a cow farm a little bit to the east of here?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"Yes!" said Geralt. "So that means the murderer must have come from the east!"

"He must have come from that mansion we saw," added Ciri.

Meanwhile, Iorverth saw an interesting book on the front desk. 'The Key of Death' it said. Iorverth read it, and then realised that the Key of Death would be essential for them to succeed on their quest to retrieve the Sword of Death.

"Hey guys!" he said to Geralt and Lady Feudalism and Ciri.

They didn't respond.

"Fine, if you'll just ignore me, then I'll have to make my own deductions," said Iorverth. "According to this book, the Key of Death was supposed to be around the neck of the librarian of the Library of Death. So obviously, the perpetrator must have killed the librarian to get the key. And the only person who would have sufficient motive to kill the librarian like this… is Adolf Hitler."

"Geralt!" shouted Iorverth. "I found something..."

They weren't listening.

"Fine, then," said Iorverth. I'll have to go and face Hitler and retrieve the Key of Death myself."

TO BE CONTINUED  
IN  
THE WITCHER: PART XXXV  
TO THE DEATH


	35. Part XXXV

**The Witcher: Part XXXV**

 **To the Death**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Hitler has acquired the Key of Death, which is essential for entry into the Palace of Death. Only Iorverth has realised this, and none of the other members of Team Witcher are listening to him. He has made the decision to retrieve the Key of Death himself.

The journey continues...

It was a bright morning in Vizima. In one of the houses on the outer edge of the inner ring, there lived a young lad named Iorverth.

"I want to be a hero," he said to his mother. "I want to be celebrated. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference."

Iorverth had never given up his childish dreams.

"Okay, then," said Iorverth's mother, as she always did.

Iorverth remembered that morning clearly. That was the morning that they came. And at the end of it, Iorverth was orphaned. It was that morning that set him on the path to join the militia. He joined the group of brave heroes who had brought those responsible for his mother's death to justice.

And then Iorverth woke up.

He sat up on the cold floor of the Library of Death, and watched Geralt and Ciri and Lady Feudalism sleep for a few moments. He had no regrets.

"Iorverth. Why are you doing this?" came a voice from behind him.

It was the ghost of his mother.

"Why are you going off on this suicide mission?"

"Because if I don't then we have no chance of beating Adolf Hitler," replied Iorverth.

"You don't need to prove you're a hero," said Iorverth's mother. "You're doing good already."

"I'm always overshadowed by Geralt, anyway," said Iorverth. "He thinks he's the protagonist of this story. He's wrong."

And with that, Iorverth left the library and ran off towards the west.

After a few minutes, Iorverth came across a shadow crouching in a bush. The silhouette stepped out, revealing pointed ears. It was Tivoherr.

"Iorverth..." said the hallucination of the other side of Iorverth's mind.

"Are you here to threaten me again?" asked Iorverth.

"No," replied Tivoherr. "I'm here to tell you that what you're doing is incredibly stupid and is probably going to get you killed. And your death is definitely not in the best interests of my own self-preservation."

"Get stuffed," replied Iorverth.

"I don't want to die," said Tivoherr. "Please don't head off on this stupid suicide mission."

"If I don't, Hitler will win and get absolute power of the world," replied Iorverth. "I can't let that happen."

And Iorverth brushed Tivoherr away with a single thought, and Tivoherr disappeared in a curl of rising smoke.

Geralt was the first to notice that Iorverth was gone. He awoke at around midnight, and quickly roused Ciri and Lady Feudalism.

"Is this Tivoherr again?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"I don't think so," said Geralt, who had found a note Iorverth had left.

"Gone out," read Geralt. "Going to nick the Key of Death from Hitler so we can actually get into the Palace of Death. Should be back by around quarter to six.  
Best regards - Iorverth."

"He's gone on a suicide mission," said Ciri pessimistically.

"We need to stop him from going to fight Hitler!" said Lady Feudalism, panicked.

"It's too late," said Geralt, once again donning the Sherlock Holmes cap. "Judging from the amount this ink has dried, Iorverth is probably already at Hitler's mansion. Even at our top speed, we won't be there to help him."

Lady Feudalism ran her hands through her hair. She swore under her breath.

"I hope he'll somehow come back alive," she then said.

There was a small army of Nazi Elf Draugr surrounding Hitler's mansion. Iorverth snuck carefully past them. He went up to a side door on the mansion. It was locked. He then went up to a back door. It was locked. The only way in was to go through heavily guarded front door. Iorverth snuck carefully towards the front door, but he was noticed.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" yelled a Nazi Elf Draugr.

Iorverth drew his sword and sliced the Nazi Elf Draugr. It fell back, dead.

"Geralt wouldn't approve," said Iorverth. "But there's no time for that now."

He fought off a bunch of other Nazi Elf Draugr and entered through Hitler's front door. Conveniently, he found a map of Hitler's temporary house near the entrance. Now, he knew where the Key of Death would likely be kept. Hitler's bedroom.

Iorverth crept up the stairs as quietly as possible. And then suddenly, a Heinrich Himmler jumped down from the ceiling. Upon realising Iorverth was a threat, the Himmler started to divide to produce a small group specifically created to combat Iorverth. Iorverth, with his incredible fencing skill, beheaded them all with a single spin attack.

"So much for monoclonal selection," said Iorverth.

He then continued to creep through Hitler's mansion, reaching the second storey. And then, finally, after about half a minute of searching, Iorverth saw a large boss door at the end of a corridor. On it, was inscribed a single five-letter word.

ADOLF

This was Hitler's bedroom.

Iorverth grabbed the handle on the boss door, and pushed it open. In Hitler's bedroom, there was a massive sixteen poster bed in the centre of the room. In the middle of the bed, lay Adolf Hitler, sleeping.

Next to him, there lay another form. Iorverth leaned in closer to see this mystery figure that Hitler was sleeping with. It was actually Hitler's giant sword, with a big, red, sharp blade. Iorverth crept down and looked at Adolf Hitler. Around his neck, there was a key, with the inscription K.O.D.

The Key of Death was found.

Iorverth pulled out his sword and severed the cord keeping the Key of Death around Hitler's neck. And then Iorverth pocketed the Key of Death. His stealth mission was a success! He slowly walked away, leaving the room. And then…

He heard a distinctly German voice coming from behind him.

"You shouldn't have come here."

Hitler was awake.

"I have come here to kill you," lied Iorverth.

"Oh... okay," said Hitler. Then he laughed.

"Lol, no."

Hitler grabbed his massive sword, and jumped up and sliced a Iorverth. Iorverth parried but was thrown into the wall by the force of the blow. Iorverth stood up and stabbed at Hitler. Hitler pushed Iorverth back with a magickek gust of wind, pushing Iorverth through the wall. Iorverth fell down into the main hall of Hitler's mansion. Hitler jumped down, through the broken wall.

"Now, you will die," said Hitler.

Hitler stabbed. Iorverth parried. Hitler sliced. Iorverth parried and sliced back. Hitler shot a vaporisation bolt at Iorverth, but Iorverth dodged and sliced, cutting Hitler across the cheek. Hitler, in a rage, sliced. Iorverth parried, but the force of the blow knocked his sword out of his hand.

And then Hitler stabbed Iorverth through the chest.

Iorverth collapsed to the ground, mortally wounded.

"Band!" called Hitler.

A spindly man from Hitler's band walked up to Hitler and gave him a piece of cloth to wipe the green blood off his face.

"Take the body of this wretch outside for the vultures," said Hitler.

"Yes, sir," said the spindly man.

It was 6:46 am. Iorverth wasn't back.

"Where is he?" said Lady Feudalism, horribly worried.

The three sat in the Library of Death, all anxious. And then, at roughly 7am, a figure staggered into the Library of Death. It was Iorverth, with a giant hole in his chest. Iorverth collapsed onto the cold ground.

"Iorverth!" cried Lady Feudalism.

"I... have... the key..." said Iorverth.

He reached into his pocket and dropped the Key of Death on the ground beside him.

"Can you heal him?" said Lady Feudalism desperately to Geralt.

Geralt walked up to Iorverth and placed his hand over Iorverth's chest wound. His tone was sombre.

"No. I'm sorry."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Lady Feudalism.

"I'm sorry for running off on you..." said Iorverth, "but I needed to get the Key of Death. Otherwise Hitler wins."

Ciri sat silently. Lady Feudalism sobbed. Geralt was somewhat stoic.

"Lady Feudalism..." began Iorverth slowly. "You have been... reasonably good. It was an honour serving you."

"I love you!" cried Lady Feudalism somewhat melodramatically.

"That's good..." said Iorverth. "And Geralt… today, I have learned that I am not the true protagonist of this story. You... are the... protagonist. You... are... the hero… and… you... must... avenge... me. You must... kill... Hitler..."

And then Iorverth stopped moving and was no more.

Ciri and Lady Feudalism remained silent as they took Iorverth's body out of the Library of Death. Geralt fashioned a small boat out of a nearby tree using magick. Lady Feudalism held onto Iorverth's sword, and remained silent. Ciri had no snarky comment to make. Geralt, ever stoic, placed Iorverth's body in the boat, and pushed it out across the lake. And then Geralt conjured a fireball, and shot it across the lake at the boat.

"A viking funeral," said Geralt.

The sun rose as the new Team Witcher watched the smoke curl up into the sky.

TO BE CONTINUED  
IN  
THE WITCHER: PART XXXVI  
HALF-LIFE


	36. Part XXXVI

**The Witcher: Part XXXVI**

 **Half-Life**

Previously, on The Witcher:  
Iorverth retrieved the Key of Death from Adolf Hitler. In the process, he sacrificed his own life, and he is now deceased.

The journey continues...

Lady Feudalism stared blankly into the horizon.

"Are you there?" said Ciri, waving her hand over Lady Feudalism's face.

Lady Feudalism was unresponsive.

"We really need to get going now," said Geralt. "I know it's really sad and stuff that Iorverth died, but now is really not the best time to be depressed. We have stuff to do."

And then suddenly, Lady Feudalism looked up at Geralt with rage in her eyes.

"Damn you," she said. "Damn you, Geralt."

"What?"

"I SAID, DAMN YOU!" shouted Lady Feudalism. "I HAVE SPENT HALF MY LIFE WITH IORVERTH BY MY SIDE! HALF MY LIFE! AND YOU... YOU COWARD... YOU JUST LET HIM GO OFF AND DIE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE WITCHER!"

Lady Feudalism drew Iorverth's sword, and slashed at Geralt. Geralt barely parried the blow.

"Come on guys, let's not get too excited," said Ciri cautiously.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Lady Feudalism.

She went into a frenzy attacking Geralt with Iorverth's sword.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT, GERALT! YOU SHOULD HAVE RETRIEVED THE KEY OF DEATH YOURSELF!"

Geralt continued to parry the blows, moving across the lakeside beach.

"YOU COWARD, GERALT! YOU GODDAMN COWARD!"

"Please just, calm down, Lady Feudalism," said Geralt. "We're supposed to be friends."

Geralt quickly cast a disarming spell, and Iorverth's sword fell into the sand.

"It is my fault," said Geralt. "I shouldn't have ignored Iorverth."

"I'm sorry," said Lady Feudalism, and she burst into tears.

"It wasn't Geralt who killed Iorverth," said Ciri. "It was Adolf Hitler."

"Geralt," said Lady Feudalism. "If you want me to keep travelling with you, then you must promise me this. Promise me that you will avenge Iorverth's death.

Promise me that when the time comes, you will kill Hitler."

Adolf Hitler was having breakfast in his dining hall. His 48-man orchestra stood behind him, quietly humming his theme. Hitler was contemplating politics this morning. He was thinking about what he would do with the world once he had the Sword of Death. He reached to his neck and fingered the Key of Death, and imagined the power it would bring him.

It took a few moments before Hitler realised he was fingering nothing.

The Key of Death was gone.

He called a Nazi Elf Draugr over.

"Where is the Key of Death?" he said to the Nazi Elf Draugr. "I appear to have lost it."

"I don't know, sir," replied the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Find it," ordered Hitler.

An eighty strong team of Nazi Elf Draugr then scoured the house and the surrounding area in search of the Key of Death. They used all of their magick to find it. A few hours later, they came back to Hitler.

"We can't find it, sir," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Great!" said Hitler sarcastically.

He grabbed his sword and killed the Nazi Elf Draugr brutally. And then he chopped up each of the other 79 into small pieces.

"No Key of Death," he said. "If it's not here, then WHERE THE HELL IS IT?"

His orchestra played a dramatic chord.

Severus Hitler and Communist O'Lenin and Christian Grey and Klippi looked over a hill, and saw giant stone structures in the distance.

"That," said Severus. "That is the Ikron Corporation's main power source. It's a nuclear power plant."

"I know all about nuclear power," said Communist O'Lenin.

"I bet you do," replied Severus.

"Why are we here?" asked Klippi cluelessly.

"Because we're gonna take the nuclear plant out," replied Severus. "That way, my father won't be able to provide weapons for his Himmlers and Nazi Elf Draugr and ISIS and what have you. They need the power source."

"How are we going to do this?" asked Klippi.

"Basically, we'll infiltrate the plant, and then cause a meltdown," replied Severus. "It might be dangerous, so keep your weapons at the ready."

Christian Grey pulled out his ceremonial axe, and then scratched his head, as if some great battle of conscience and being was slowly rising within his mind.

Team Morally Ambiguous then spent the better part of their morning climbing around ventilation shafts in the Ikron Corporation nuclear power plant. Eventually, they reached the control room of the nuclear power plant, and climbed out of the ventilation shaft.

"Shh..." said Severus, pointing to a man and a woman standing at the control panel.

Branded on their clothing was a large lambda symbol. By their name tags, Severus could see that their names were Gordon Freeman and Alyx Vance.

"How will we cause the meltdown?" whispered Christian Grey.

"By accelerating the nuclear decay of the radioactive isotopes they use," replied Severus.

"But you can't accelerate nuclear decay," said Communist O'Lenin. "It's a spontaneous and random process which acts independently of external conditions."

"My dear O'Lenin," said Severus. "See the power of magickek."

Severus concentrated, and cast a spell. Suddenly, red lights began to flash.

"Gordon!" said Alyx. "The decay! It's increasing! The nuclear plant is going to meltdown! The half-life of this isotope is... getting shorter! One half-life has already been confirmed! And now here's another half-life confirmed!

Half-life three confirmed! We need to get out of here!"

They turned around and saw Team Morally Ambiguous.

"Oh, look who we have here," said Alyx. "It's Severus Hitler. I heard you were dead. Your father should be... pleased to hear of your survival."

"This is the part where we fight," said Severus.

He shot lightning at Alyx, who ran out through a corridor.

"I'll take her, you three take Gordon Freeman!" said Severus as he followed Alyx.

The rest of Team Morally Ambiguous chased Gordon Freeman through more corridors. Eventually, Gordon ran out of the power plant, and ran towards the horizon. After a few kilometers of chasing, they finally cornered Gordon Freeman at the edge of a cliff. Christian Grey readied his ceremonial axe for the kill.

And then, suddenly, he had a crisis of conscience.

His moral greyness began to fade. He remembered the priest. It was now time for him to make a decision. Was a Christian, or was he a murderer?

"Why are you hesitating?" asked O'Lenin. "Should I finish him?"

"No," replied Christian Grey. "There will be no killing."

He dropped his axe and it clattered to the ground.

"Severus will be displeased," said Communist O'Lenin as Gordon Freeman ran away. "I suspect he can't talk anyway, but still, you were supposed to kill him."

After a few minutes, Severus caught up with them at the cliff edge.

"I finished that Alyx," he said. "Did you kill Gordon Freeman?"

"No," said Christian Grey. "I'm not going to kill people anymore. I'm a Christian, and murder is against my beliefs."

"Are you questioning my authority?" said Severus, moving eye-to-eye with Christian Grey.

"Yes," said Christian Grey.. "No more killing. I'm a good person now. No more moral greyness."

"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME?" raged Severus. "HOW DARE YOU! I AM YOUR LEADER! I AM YOUR FUTURE EMPEROR!"

"Calm down," said O'Lenin. "Please."

"AND YOU... JUST LET GORDON GET AWAY AS WELL?" shouted Severus.

He looked at his frightened and shocked team.

"ALL THREE OF YOU ARE USELESS! YOU SERVE ME NO PURPOSE!"

He looked at Klippi, who looked back dumbly.

"YOU, KLIPPI, HAVE BEEN A BURDEN, BOTH LITERAL AND METAPHORICAL, SINCE WE MET.

"YOU, COMMUNIST O'LENIN... YOU ARE SO PASSIVE AND USELESS AND NOT EVEN SMART AT ALL.

"AND YOU, CHRISTIAN GREY...

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE BEST MEMBER OF THIS TEAM! BUT YOU'RE A FOOL AND A COWARD JUST LIKE THE WITCHER! And for that… YOU WILL DIE!"

Severus Fus Ro Dah'd Christian Grey off the cliff.

"I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOUR FACES EVER AGAIN!" yelled Severus.

Communist O'Lenin and Klippi ran away in fear. Severus walked away, by himself.

TO BE CONTINUED  
IN  
THE WITCHER: PART XXXVII  
SEVERUS ALONE


	37. Part XXXVII

**The Witcher: Part XXXVII**

 **Severus Alone**

My father is literally Hitler.

I know a lot of people say that their father, too, is literally Hitler. They are misusing the word literally though. That's a mistake I never make.

My mother used to say that Hitler used to be a decent man, so long ago. Apparently he wanted to be an artist. He poured his heart and soul into his art, she told me. And then he applied for art school. It might have been a clerical error, or perhaps he simply wasn't good enough. But my father was rejected.

He was so angry that he burned every last piece of art he had ever done. And in doing that, he also burned his heart and soul.

I walk, alone, through fields of green grass. I am so tired, and so alone.

'Perhaps it was a bad idea to get rid of the rest of my team,' I think. 'No. Those insolent fools were holding me back anyway.'

And then suddenly, a giant green ogre appears before me. It charges at me and knocks me over before I have a chance to hit a blow. I get up and shoot a fireball at it. It screams in pain, and is even more angered. It charges again.

In my tired stupor, I respond too slowly, and I get knocked over again. It punches me in the face and then I see nothing.

Shortly after my birth, my father began to decline. It began with him hatching extremely elaborate plans to get back at the art school. After he saw the destruction of the art school, my father decided he wanted more. So he went into politics.

Slowly, he drifted apart from me and my mother, Eva, as he slowly climbed up the social ladder. Eventually, he was using my mother and I as mere trophies. My mother and I were pawns in my father's political machinations. We were just there to create the pretense that he had some sort of private family life. To prove that he somehow had a soul.

And then one day, one dark day, Adolf Hitler was elected as Supreme Chancellor. And that was the day that my mother and I were no longer needed.

I wake up and see a rather attractive young woman staring down at me. I am lying down in a bed.

"You were beaten quite badly by that ogre," says the young woman. "Most people don't survive."

"I'm not most people," I say. "You might not be able to tell because my skin is so pale... but I'm a witch."

The young woman doesn't seem alarmed at all.

"We don't fear witches or ogres or anything in this town," she says.

"What is this town?" I ask.

"Lethoville," she says. "Named after our mighty ruler Governor Letho. He protects us from the ogres, and in return, we serve him and his needs in any way we can." She rubs a strand of her hair tentatively.

Just then, a giant gong begins to ring through the air.

"Someone is being executed," says the young woman. "You should come and see."

I hobble outside, my leg still somewhat rekt from my encounter with the ogre. In the centre of town, there is a pool of lava. A young man is bound, and is being pushed towards the lava pool.

"Please!" he says. "Don't kill me!"

"I didn't do anything!"

"You said a swear word," said the man who was pushing him into the lava. "That is a crime punishable by death in my town."

"You will now jump into the pool of lava." And the man jumps into the pool of lava and dies.

"Why did he willingly jump into the pool of lava?" I ask the young woman.

"Because when Governor Letho asks you to do something, you will always be compelled to do it no matter how much you don't want to," replies the young woman. "He has absolute power over each and every single one of us."

I stop and think for a moment.

"If he's abusing and killing people like this, he must be stopped," I say.

"He is a good man," says the young woman, obviously brainwashed. "We all give of ourselves for his benefit and pleasure. That is the only right way here in Lethoville."

"Well, I say it's wrong," I say firmly. "And I'm going to stop it."

Shortly after winning his election, my father called me and my mother into his office.

"Now that I am Supreme Chancellor," he began. "I have no further need for a wife and a child."

"Are you letting us go, please let us go!" cries my mother.

"No, Eva," says my father. "I can't let you go because you have the potential to interfere with my plans."

"I'm going to kill you."

And then I saw him kill her.

And then he turned to me.

"Now, young Severus, you will die," said my father.

"Please, I think I can help you!" I said. "I will work for you! I will be an asset!"

My father stared at me for a moment.

"Very well," he said. "But if you ever fail me, I will not hesitate to end your life."

I hobble up to Letho.

"I think what you're doing is wrong," I say to his face. "You're a terrible governor."

"You're Hitler's kid, aren't you," says Letho. "I should like to chat with you for a bit."

"Let us converse in my office."

We walk to Letho's giant house and we sit in his office. The carpet and walls are red like blood.

"Now, Severus Hitler..." says Letho. "I heard you were dead."

"Obviously, I am not," I say.

"Oh, Severus," sighs Letho. "You accuse me of being a terrible person. If you just knew a little bit about the history of this town..."

"What?" I say impatiently.

"I am a hero," says Letho. "My father was an evil mayor. I killed him and took control of the town."

"You kill and abuse people," I say. "You have been corrupted by the power."

"And you aren't evil?" says Letho to me. "Last I heard, you were all MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! and stuff."

"I've changed," I say. "I seek what's best for everyone. And what's best for this town is your demise."

I prepare to shoot a fatal lightning bolt into his head.

"You will not attack me," he says. And I am compelled not to attack him.

Letho points to a badge he's wearing.

"This badge is made of death metal, the same material the Sword of Death is made out of," he says. "I can control the actions of anyone within a 300 metre radius. You cannot do anything against someone who can control all of your actions."

Letho controls my conscience. He controls my unconscious mind. There is nothing I can do to fight him.

If I had my team, I might have had a chance.

But I am alone.

And then suddenly, I have an idea.

I shoot a lightning bolt at the wall, startling Letho, even though I'm not directly harming him. In that moment, I grab his death metal badge, and run out of his house. I throw the badge into the lava pit.

"What have you done?" yells Letho. "How did you do that?"

"The only thing you told me was not to attack you," I say. Then I shrug.

And then all of the townsfolk walk out of their houses. Their brainwashing is broken. They realise that Letho has been mistreating them, and they chase him out of town.

"You and me are no different, Severus!" shouts Letho as he runs away. "One day, when you have power, you will be just like me!"

I shrug again and exit the town. I feel good that I actually did something good today instead of evil.

After walking away from the town for a few minutes, I encounter an army of muscled soldiers.

They attack me.

And I am overwhelmed.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXXVIII

THE WHITE WOLF


	38. Part XXXVIII

**The Witcher: Part XXXVIII**

 **The White Wolf**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Lady Feudalism got very upset at Iorverth's death, and raged at Geralt. Severus Hitler was overwhelmed by a contingent of muscled soldiers.

The journey continues...

The now three-man, or more appropriately, two-woman-one-man Team Witcher were walking along the bottom of a cliff, along a river. And then, Geralt saw it.

"There it is!" he cried excitedly.

Lady Feudalism and Ciri looked towards the horizon, where Geralt was pointing. A giant triangular shape very faintly appeared in the distance.

"It's the Mountain of Death!" said Geralt. "Not much further to go!"

Lady Feudalism was still somewhat depressed, and Geralt's optimistic attitude wasn't really having much of an effect on her. They walked along the river for a bit longer, when they suddenly heard a moaning sound.

It was coming from a nearby tree.

Geralt went up to the tree and investigated.

Caught in the branches of the tree, was a figure, moaning in pain. Branches of the tree were stabbing into him, and he was drenched in his own red blood.

"Help me," he said. The voice was vaguely familiar.

"Please..."

Geralt climbed up the tree and dislodged the branches from the man's flesh.

And then he saw the man's face. It was half-burned, and Geralt recognised him immediately.

"Christian Grey!" he said. Lady Feudalism walked up to the tree and looked up at Geralt.

"Let him die," she said. "We have work to do."

"I can't let him die," said Geralt. "From a moral standpoint, letting someone die is no different to killing them."

Geralt grabbed Christian Grey and carried him down the tree. He placed Grey upon the ground. Geralt used magick to heal Christian Grey's wounds, and to wash off all of the blood.

"Okay, let's go now," said Lady Feudalism as soon as Geralt was done.

"Wait," said Christian Grey. "I want to join you!"

"What?" said Geralt. "You were our enemy."

"I've changed," said Christian Grey. "I've decided to focus less on the Grey and more on the Christian. I'm a good person now."

"Yeah right," said Lady Feudalism. "Are we really going to let this guy just waltz in and replace Iorverth?"

"Please," said Christian Grey. "I really want your team to succeed. I don't like Severus anymore."

"Why should we trust you?" asked Ciri. "Can you prove your good intentions?"

Christian Grey stood and thought for a moment.

"Okay, how about this?" he began. "I chose the name Christian Grey because it reflected my moral status at the time. But my morals are no longer grey. I think morality is pretty black and white."

"Therefore, henceforth, Christian Grey is no more."

"My new name... is Christian White."

Ciri and Lady Feudalism and Geralt stood in silence for a few moments.

"It's your call," said Ciri.

"Very well," replied Geralt. "I believe him. Welcome to Team Witcher."

Geralt extended a hand to Christian White and they shook hands.

Communist O'Lenin was carrying Klippi through a snowy landscape.

"We're coming for you!" came a voice from behind him. A muscled man wearing a horned helmet was coming up behind him.

Communist O'Lenin shot some fire at the man. The man dodged, and jumped forward and grabbed Communist O'Lenin.

Communist O'Lenin fell over, and dropped Klippi, who tried to scramble away but was promptly caught by another man.

"You belong to us now," said the man with the horned helmet.

The new Team Witcher was running low on supplies once again. Finally, King Gaben's supplies were running out.

"We need more money," said Christian White.

Team Witcher eventually saw a massive arena-shaped building in the distance, and there was a huge crowd surrounding it.

"I think we might be able to get some money there," said Geralt. They walked up into the crowd.

In the middle of the crowd, an incredibly tall, muscled man stood, with everyone in the crowd squabbling just to touch him. He wore a branded cap, a pink T-shirt, and there was a massive belt around his waist.

On the belt, there was a depiction of a white wolf.

Geralt walked up to him.

"Hi, I'm the White Wolf," said the man. "Do you want my autograph?"

"What is the White Wolf?" replied Geralt.

"You don't know about the White Wolf?" said the man, laughing. "Basically, this arena here is a wrestling arena, run by the WWF."

"The WWF?" said Geralt.

"White Wolf Federation," replied the man. "And I'm the champion, and this is my championship belt."

"That's why they call me the White Wolf. But my real name is John Cena."

Geralt nodded and was swept away back into the crowd.

"Any ideas for money?" said Ciri when Team Witcher reassembled near the entrance of the arena.

"I want to give professional wrestling a shot," said Geralt. "I heard that it makes a lot of money."

"Isn't it dangerous?" asked Christian White.

"Nah," replied Geralt. "Apparently it's all fake anyway. I'll be fine."

As Team Witcher entered the arena, a security guard at the entrance grabbed Lady Feudalism's wrist.

"No witches allowed," he said. "Your magic could mess up our wrestling." So Lady Feudalism had to stay outside while Geralt, Christian White, and Ciri entered the arena.

They sat down, and an announcer walked into the wrestling ring.

"Welcome to WWF SUPERSLAM! I hope you have FUN watching grown men beat the HELL out of each other."

"Now, introducing our first wrestler, ADOLF HITLER!"

The crowd booed.

And the scrawny dude who entered the ring was obviously not the real Adolf Hitler.

"Now," said the announcer, now at ringside. "The first match of WWF SUPERSLAM will be against a SURPRISE OPPONENT!"

And then suddenly, Randy Orton slithered up into the ring and-

"RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!" screamed the announcer.

Randy Orton hooked Hitler's leg, and the crowd counted

"ONE, TWO, THREE!"

The crowd screamed and cheered.

"Now," said the announcer. "Is there anyone, at all, in this arena, brave enough to face the VIPER, RANDY ORTON?"

Geralt jumped out of his seat and made his way down to the ring.

"It looks like we have a challenger, folks," said the announcer. And then a bell rang and a match was underway.

Randy Orton ran forward, and started punching Geralt. In those moments, Geralt then realised that wrestling was definitely not fake. Randy Orton was actually punching Geralt.

Geralt tried to block the punches, but there were simply too many. So he cheated, by using a spot of magick to make Randy Orton's joints go rigid.

And then Geralt kicked Orton in the gut and pinned him.

"OH MY GOD!" yelled the announcer. "THIS RANDOM GUY. HE JUST BEAT THE VIPER!"

"OH. MY. GOD."

"Now, is there anyone, at all, who's brave enough to face this random?"

A man then walked out of the crowd, and they suddenly started cheering.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the announcer. "IT'S ROMAN REIGNS!"

Roman Reigns entered the ring.

"I think this match should be a STEEL CAGE MATCH!" yelled the announcer. "The only way to win is to ESCAPE THE CAGE!"

And a cage suddenly descended from the arena's roof. And then a bell was rung and the match was underway.

"BELIEVE IN ME!" cried Roman Reigns. The crowd wailed and cheered. And then Roman Reigns ran up to Geralt, apparently trying to do some sort of running headbutt or something.

"SPEAR! SPEAR!" cried the announcer.

Geralt moved out of the way, and Roman Reigns hit the side of the steel cage with his head.

And then Geralt walked up to the steel cage's front door and exited.

"What's the point of a steel cage match if there's a readily available front door for you to walk through?" said Geralt to himself. The crowd then booed Geralt for a bit.

And then the cage was lifted.

"Is there anyone else willing to face this man?" asked the announcer. And then John Cena appeared, and walked up to the ring.

"JOHN CENA HAS ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE!" yelled the announcer. "HE'S PUTTING HIS WHITE WOLF TITLE ON THE LINE AGAINST THIS RANDOM!"

And then the bell was rung, and the main event match was underway. John Cena ran up to Geralt and started pelting him with punches. Geralt dodged each one, and then started punching back.

"This is an interesting main event match here at WWF Superslam," said the announcer, who was commentating on every movement.

And then Geralt, using magick jumped up in the air and kicked John Cena in the head several times. John Cena collapsed to the ground, and Geralt pinned him.

The crowd gasped.

"WE HAVE A NEW WHITE WOLF!" screamed the announcer. "OH MY GOD!"

The announcer handed Geralt the White Wolf belt, and Geralt put it on. And then suddenly, the arena started to shake.

An army of muscled men stormed every entrance to the arena.

"OH MY GOD!" yelled the announcer. "IT'S THE NORDS FROM THE SKY RIM!"

"THERE ARE NO WITCHES ALLOWED IN THE ARENA SO WHO'S GOING TO SAVE US FROM THESE DIABOLICAL NORDS?"

Geralt jumped up, and shot lightning at all of the Nords.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the announcer. "HE HAS MAGIC!"

"BUT FOR SOME REASON HIS SKIN ISN'T GREEN! OH MY GOD!"

Geralt and Christian White and Ciri fought the Nords back, and eventually regrouped outside the arena. They were joined by the WWF announcer.

"Why were the Nords attacking the arena?" asked Ciri.

"Apparently the Nords have been going crazy for some reason recently," said the announcer. "They've been taking many people prisoner."

"By the way," said Ciri. "Where is Lady Feudalism?"

She was nowhere to be found.

"The Nords must have taken her," said Geralt. "We need to get her back!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XXXIX

NORD OF THE RINGS


	39. Part XXXIX

**The Witcher: Part XXXIX**

 **Nord of the Rings**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Lady Feudalism has been captured by the diabolical Nords!

Severus Hitler has been captured by the diabolical Nords!

Communist O'Lenin and Klippi have been captured by the diabolical Nords!

What is happening?

"Let's go," said Geralt. "We need to find Lady Feudalism!"

Geralt summoned the magick carpet.

"Hey, wait!" said the WWF announcer. "You can't just run off with the White Wolf belt! You're supposed to defend your title!"

"I won this title fair and square," replied Geralt.

"Aren't you at least going to collect your prize money?" said the announcer, holding a bag full of gold pieces.

"Ooh, nice," said Geralt, taking the bag from the announcer and taking off on the magick carpet.

"Where did the Nords take Lady Feudalism?" asked Ciri, once they were in the air.

"They can't have gone that far," said Geralt.

"Look! Tracks!" said Christian White, pointing at some footsteps in the mud. They landed and analysed the footprints.

"These look like they were made my Nordic boots," said Christian White. "Let's follow them."

Lady Feudalism slowly came to. The first thing she saw was the stony roof of her prison cell. She was lying on a thin, rather uncomfortable stack of hay.

"Hello," came a voice from the other side of the cell. Lady Feudalism recognised it immediately.

Hunched in the corner of the cell was Severus Hitler.

"You!" said Lady Feudalism quite aggressively. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the same reason as you, lady," said Severus solemnly. "I was captured by the Nords."

"I bet you put the Nords up to this," said Lady Feudalism. She punched the air in an attempt to shoot a fireball at Severus.

"It's no good trying to fight me," said Severus. "You've been kryptonited. And so have I."

"You're the enemy!" yelled Lady Feudalism. "I can't just stand here and... talk to you! I'm supposed to try to incapacitate you on sight or something."

"You're not seriously going to walk up and start punching me are you?" asked Severus. "I really rather you wouldn't."

"Fine then," said Lady Feudalism.

There was an awkward silence for about half of a minute.

"Is there no way to escape?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"I told you, we've been kryptonited," replied Severus. "Every hour, the ventilation ducts automatically dispense another dose of kryptonite."

Then they sat in another awkward thirty seconds of silence.

"Do you hate me?" asked Severus, quite suddenly.

"You've done some bad things," said Lady Feudalism. "You've tried to kill Geralt on multiple occasions. Christian White thinks you're insane. I think you're just as bad as your father."

Severus was taken aback by this comment.

"I hate Adolf Hitler as much as you do," replied Severus. "He merely seeks what is best for him. I seek what's best for everyone."

"It is true I do believe the ends justify the means in many cases."

Severus sighed.

"I want to believe that I'm a better man than my father."

"I had a Iorverth, 'till a Hitler killed him," said Lady Feudalism.

"I had a mother, 'till A. Hitler killed her," said Severus.

The pair bonded over the parallel construction of their sentences.

Lady Feudalism slowly sidled up to Severus.

"You know my father was also a dictator," said Lady Feudalism, revealing personal details of her past for the very first time. "His name was Lord Power."

"Everyone thought he was a pretty bad person. He had usurped the city of Vizima for himself. And then, one day, he met my mother, Lady Order. And together they ruled Vizima justly: Power and Order, a perfect combination."

"And then, you and your brothers were born, I assume," said Severus.

"Yes," said Lady Feudalism. "Me and your buddy Communist O'Lenin and that scoundrel Capitalist McMoney."

"Anyway, when Lord Power died, it was decided that I would take over the city of Vizima. Because naturally, I was the favourite child."

Lady Feudalism flicked her hair back and briefly smiled at Severus.

"And my brothers left Vizima and started wandering around trying to impose their corrupt and poorly designed political systems on people. They simply do not see that feudalism is the only possible way."

"I believe in feudalism," said Severus. "When I'm in charge of the world, it will be feudalistic."

"Good," said Lady Feudalism. They were silent again, although this time, the silence was slightly more comfortable.

"What is your name?" asked Severus, quite suddenly.

"You know what my name is!" replied Lady Feudalism.

"But what is your real name?" asked Severus. "Both of your brothers have two names: Communist O'Lenin, and Capitalist McMoney. You must have a first name."

"I never tell anyone my first name," said Lady Feudalism. "Geralt doesn't even know."

"Please, tell me," said Severus. Lady Feudalism paused for a moment.

"My name... my first name... is Grace," she said. "Lady Grace Feudalism is my full name."

"Hello Grace," said Severus cheesily, inwardly cringing at that line.

They slowly leaned towards each other, looking into each other's eyes. They got closer and closer, and closer and closer.

And then the cell door burst open and two bedraggled men were thrown in. It was Klippi and Communist O'Lenin.

"Hello Severus," said Klippi. "Are you still mad at us?"

Severus was angry.

"We were having a tender moment here, couldn't you see that? Why did you have to butt in?" he raged.

"It's not our fault that the Nords decided to chuck us in the same cell as you two," replied Klippi.

"My sister..." said O'Lenin slowly, eyeing Lady Feudalism with caution. "What are you doing with Severus?"

And then he looked at Severus.

And then he looked at Lady Feudalism.

And then he looked back at Severus.

"Seriously?" said Communist O'Lenin. "I thought you two were supposed to be enemies!"

"I think me and Grace have come to a mutual understanding," said Severus.

"She told you her name? What's even happening?" said O'Lenin incredulously.

Just then, the ringleader of the Nords, Ulfric Stormcloak walked into the cell. "We've decided we'll take you four up to the Sky Rim, so you can meet the master of the Nords."

"Master of the Nords?" asked Severus. "Yes. His name is Alduin."

Alduin was a mighty beast.

Some people called him the world-eater, some kind of satanic monster.

In truth, Alduin wasn't significantly more powerful than your average dragon.

Like a homing pigeon, Alduin landed before his master.

"My lord," said Alduin to his lord, Adolf Hitler.

"I have sent the Nords into a barbaric frenzy," said Alduin. "I am certain they will find and capture the Witcher."

"Goood..." breathed Hitler.

"The tracks end here," said Christian White. They had come to a compound made out of stone.

Presumably, it was where Lady Feudalism was held.

"How do we get in?" asked Ciri.

"Front door approach," said Geralt. He banged the front door of the compound.

A muscled man wearing a horned helmet answered the door. He also had a lot of rings on his hands.

"Ulfric Stormcloak, ringleader of the Nords, at your service," said the man. "What can I do for you?"

"We had a friend who we're looking for," said Geralt.

"Hang on... you're the Witcher!" said Ulfric Stormcloak. He ran back into the compound, leaving the door open.

"He's activating the kryptonite dispenser!" said Geralt. "You two need to go into the compound and find Lady Feudalism. I'm not going in there myself. I don't want to lose my magick."

Ciri and Christian White obeyed. The inside of the compound smelled of death. It was dark and stony and not particularly nice.

Christian White found a ceremonial staff on the wall and pulled it out.

"Where is that coward Ulfric Stormcloak?" he said.

"Over here!" came a voice. The voice was coming from a cell in the prison compound.

Christian White and Ciri portaled to the cell using Ciri's portal gun. Ulfric Stormcloak was in the corner.

"You're too late," he said, laughing.

"Tell me where she is!" yelled Christian White. "Or I'll kill you!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha," said Ulfric Stormcloak. "Not telling."

Christian White smacked his staff over Ulfric Stormcloak's head.

Ulfric Stormcloak screamed in pain. "Fine! We took her to the Sky Rim! We took her to the city of Wind's Helm!"

Christian White smacked him over the head one more time and Ulfric Stormcloak fell over unconscious.

"You weren't serious about killing him, were you?" asked Ciri.

"I don't know," said Christian White. "I really don't want to lapse back into my old self. But luckily... I didn't kill him."

They exited the compound.

"Where is she?" asked Geralt. "Isn't she in there?"

"She's been transferred to Wind's Helm, at the Sky Rim," said Christian White.

"Then let's not delay!" said Geralt.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XL

SKYRIM


	40. Part XL

**The Witcher: Part XL**

 **Skyrim**

Previously, on The Witcher:

The Nords have taken Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, Klippi, and Lady Feudalism to the Wind's Helm at the Sky Rim. Geralt and Ciri and Christian White are on their way to rescue Lady Feudalism.

The journey continues...

Team Witcher (minus Lady Feudalism) flew through a snowy landscape.

"Why do they call it the Sky Rim?" asked Ciri.

"Because there are some morons who think the world is flat. They called this place the Sky Rim because they thought that if you went too far north you'd fall off the edge of Rivia," replied Christian White.

After a while, Christian White sighted the Nord city of Wind's Helm.

"How do you know that's it?" asked Geralt.

"The city is called Wind's Helm. It should be obvious from the name," replied Christian White.

The city itself appeared to be built atop a giant helmet.

"It is believed that the helmet Wind's Helm is built on once belonged to Satan," said Christian White. "The population of Wind's Helm retreat into the catacombs inside the helmet when there's a snowstorm."

They landed the magick carpet in Wind's Helm.

"Now, where in this city would we find Lady Feudalism?" said Geralt. They walked into the Wind's Helm town hall.

"Um... hello," said Geralt to one of the Nord councilors. "We have a friend who we think was taken to this city. Would you be so kind as to tell us where she was taken?"

"Yeah," said the councilor. "I remember that pretty woman with the green skin and the purple dress. Just take those stairs down to the catacombs, and first door on your left should be the high security prison cell."

"Thanks," said Geralt.

Christian White took Geralt and Ciri aside.

"Doesn't it strike you as somewhat strange that the councilor gave us those instructions so easily?" he said. "Seems a little bit too convenient. We might be walking right into a trap."

"Meh," said Ciri. "Traps are easy to get out of."

They walked down the stairs and took the first door to the left.

And inside the room, they saw Lady Feudalism sitting in chains, behind bars.

"Geralt!" she cried.

"Lady Feudalism!" cried Geralt. They ran towards each other, and had a long hug through the prison bars.

Geralt then grabbed his sword and slashed the iron bars. Lady Feudalism stepped back out and Team Witcher was reunited.

"Any chance you'll rescue us?" came a voice from behind Geralt. There was another barred-off portion, and inside, sat Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, and Klippi.

"It's a trap!" yelled Geralt. "You lot are here!"

"No need to be so melodramatic, Witcher," said Severus. "We've been kryptonited, and also we're behind the bars, if you didn't notice."

"Geralt, you should rescue them," said Lady Feudalism. "They're actually decent people, and they can't really do any harm because they've been kryptonited."

Geralt didn't really have time to respond because at that moment, the room shook and the roof collapsed. Geralt quickly deflected the falling rubble, so nobody in Team Witcher or Team Morally Ambiguous were crushed.

Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Christian White and Communist O'Lenin and Klippi and Severus Hitler then all looked up to the sky in fear.

"What is it?" said Geralt. He turned around and saw a giant malevolent dragon staring at him.

"I am Alduin, eater of worlds," said the dragon.

"There's the trap," said Christian White.

"I was tasked by master to kill you, Witcher," said Alduin. "And now you shall die."

Alduin flew down at Geralt, and blew fire. Geralt deflected it a back at Alduin, and then he shot lightning at Alduin. Alduin then smacked the ground with one of his talons and the ground started to shake.

"The ground is collapsing beneath us!" yelled Lady Feudalism. "The catacombs beneath us are going to cave in!"

Team Witcher and Team Morally Ambiguous ran back up the stairs, and back into the ruins of the town hall. An army of Nords wielding axes and swords were advancing upon the two teams.

"How do we get out of this predicament?" said Ciri.

Geralt summoned the magick carpet and Team Witcher boarded it.

Ciri screamed in pain. "My back!" she said.

Team Witcher flew away from Wind's Helm as fast as they could. Meanwhile, Severus and his team climbed up onto Alduin's back, to escape from the Nords. Alduin then took off, in pursuit of Team Witcher.

"We need to take this thing down," said Severus to Communist O'Lenin and Klippi.

"Are we a team again now?" asked Klippi.

"Yeah... I guess we are," replied Severus.

Alduin started to spin round in circles to try and shake Team Morally Ambiguous off.

Severus slowly climbed up Alduin's back, and eventually reached Alduin's head.

"I am the World-eater," said Alduin. "You, are mere mortal, cannot hope to stand against my power!"

Severus, who still had no magic at this point due to kryptonite, punched Alduin in the eye. Communist O'Lenin and Klippi followed suit, punching Alduin in the other eye.

Alduin roared in pain.

"I cannot see!" yelled Alduin. "I cannot see where I am flying!"

Alduin flew around in circles for a bit, and then flew in a straight line towards a cliff-face.

"I don't know where I'm flying!"

"I can't see!"

Severus grabbed Klippi and Communist O'Lenin by the waist and they jumped off Alduin just as Alduin smashed into the cliff-face.

And Alduin's neck snapped on collision, and the mighty world eater was no more.

Admiral Ackbar had just arrived in the ISIS northern offices. Adolf Hitler was already there to greet him.

"Hello, Admiral," said Hitler.

"How go your efforts to eliminate the Witcher?" asked Ackbar.

"Not particularly well... my pet world-eater dragon Alduin was a complete failure. That's why I called you here. I need ISIS to take out the Witcher."

"We've tried to before! He escaped!" said Ackbar.

"That's why I have a new weapon for you," said Hitler. Hitler pulled a small weapon, no bigger than a handgun, out of his pocket.

"This is an ageing gun," said Hitler.

"What does it do?" asked Admiral Ackbar

"If you set it to low, like this, when you shoot someone, they'll instantly get fifty years older," said Hitler. Hitler shot an ISIS guard who was walking past, to demonstrate the weapon.

The guard was aged to the age of eighty within a few seconds.

"Wow," said Ackbar.

"Actually, I liked this low power setting so much that I spent all of yesterday morning shooting everyone in a nearby village with it," admitted Hitler. "But you're not interested in low power."

Hitler turned the gun to high power.

"This will age a person by five-hundred years," said Hitler.

He shot another passing guard, who aged to an incredibly old man. And then the guard continued to age, with his face getting gaunter and more sunken and more wrinkled, until the flesh fell off, and all that remained was a skeleton.

"Every ISIS member should be armed with one of these," said Hitler. "And of course, if the ageing ray fails, your ISIS members can always use their explosive vests."

Ciri's back was in quite terrible pain. Luckily, Team Witcher had managed to locate the one single Sky Rim medical facility (Nords don't really care about healthcare).

"My back..." said Ciri. "What happened to it? What did Alduin do?"

Team Witcher looked up apprehensively at the doctor who was checking Ciri's back.

"How old are you?" asked the doctor.

"One-hundred and twenty-seven," replied Ciri.

"Yeah, people tend to get back problems at your age," said the doctor.

"I'm not old!" said Ciri. "I'm perfectly young!"

"You're not," said the doctor.

For the first time, it dawned on Ciri that she was incredibly old.

"I don't have many years left..." she said kind of sadly. "I'm getting old."

She looked in the doctor's mirror, and for the first time, saw the wrinkles all over her face.

"I would prescribe you some painkillers, but earlier today, we ran out of stock when a whole town worth of old people appeared out of nowhere," said the doctor.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. A man with vaguely dark skin entered.

"Hello, what do you need?" asked the doctor.

"There is nothing wrong with me," said the man. "It is just that there is something wrong with you."

"And what is that?" asked the doctor.

"You're too young," replied the man.

And then he pulled out a small handgun, screamed "ALLAHU AKBAR!" and shot the doctor. Team Witcher watched in horror as the doctor quite quickly aged to death.

"Now... it's your turns," said the man, turning the handgun to Team Witcher.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLI

THE LION, THE WITCHER, AND THE WARDROBE


	41. Part XLI

**The Witcher: Part XLI**

 **The Lion, The Witcher, and the Wardrobe**

Previously, on The Witcher:

ISIS has returned, with a brand new ageing ray, which can make you die of old age in just a few seconds!

Team Witcher went to the doctor, but he was shot by an ISIS soldier, and he aged to death. And now the ISIS soldier is turning the ageing ray on Team Witcher.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

"Allahu Akbar!" screamed the ISIS thug. He fired the ageing ray at Geralt, but Geralt rolled out of the way with the skill of a relatively skilled ninja.

The ageing ray hit the wooden wall behind Geralt, which quite quickly decayed into a quite terrible rotten state.

"Allahu Akbar!" screamed the ISIS thug again. He shot at Christian White, and then Lady Feudalism, and then Ciri.

They all dodged, and Christian White kicked down the rotten wall behind him, and Team Witcher ran away from the ISIS thug as fast as they could.

"That ray can make people so old that they die," said Ciri, while they were running. "That's a terrible fate."

Suddenly, they heard the ISIS thug yelling from behind him. "YOU CANNOT GET AWAY! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE FROM YOUR FATE!"

The ISIS thug exploded. Team Witcher were thrown forwards by the force of the explosion, and they landed face first in some snow.

"Is anyone hurt?" asked Christian White.

"My back still hurts like hell," said Ciri.

"Presumably, Admiral Ackbar is probably going to send more ISIS thugs this way," said Geralt. "We need to get some disguises so the ISIS thugs think we're one of them."

A few hours later, a mysterious figure with a turban, mask, and black clothes passed through the ISIS-controlled town of New Moria. On a small trailer he carried, was a lion and a wardrobe.

"Great disguises, Geralt," said the lion, who's voice sounded almost exactly the same as Christian White's, for some reason. "Didn't it occur to you that there might not be lions in really cold regions like the Sky Rim?"

"I'm an exotic salesman, who also happens to be an ISIS supporter," replied Geralt, from behind his mask and his turban. "These disguises are perfect!"

"It's really not comfortable in here," came Ciri's voice from inside the wardrobe.

"Why did I have to be the back end of the lion?" came Lady Feudalism's voice from the lion's behind.

There were a large number of ISIS thugs and supporters crowding the central plaza of the town. And in the middle, on a raised platform, stood Admiral Ackbar.

Geralt could see civilians watching from their windows, obviously terrified of all of the ISIS thugs.

One little civilian boy ran up to Geralt.

"Hi, I'm Solomon!" said the boy in quite a friendly manner.

"My mother says ISIS people like you are evil? Is that true?" asked the little boy.

"Solomon!" came a voice from behind. The boy's mother picked up Solomon and quickly took him back indoors.

And then Admiral Ackbar spoke.

"People of ISIS! I am proud to announce that the town of New Moria is now under the absolute control of ISIS, and by extension, Hitler's mighty Reich which we are so lucky to be a part of. So from now on, anyone propagating non-ISIS or non-Nazi ideals will be put to death by rapid ageing!"

A struggling young man was dragged up to the stage.

"This man is an archeologist," said Admiral Ackbar. "He was found in the ruins of the ancient dwarf town of Moria excavating various heretical artifacts."

The archeologist started yelling to the crowd.

"THEY CAN'T BE HERETICAL! MORIA IS A DWARF TOWN FROM THE THIRD AGE! THEY WERE AROUND BEFORE YOU, ISIS! YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THE-"

Admiral Ackbar disposed of the man by shooting him with an ageing ray.

"ALLAHU ACKBAR!" said Admiral Ackbar. "HEIL HITLER!"

"That was horrible," said Ciri, who was watching the proceedings through a crack in the wardrobe.

"And now, the heretical dwarf ruins of Moria will be destroyed!" said Admiral Ackbar.

"ISIS are insane," said Ciri. "They can't go around destroying ancient ruins."

Suddenly, there were a few cries of "Allahu Akbar!" and a massive explosion was heard. Geralt walked to the edge of the plaza with his trailer, and watched as the ancient dwarven ruins of Moria were reduced to dust.

"They're destroying history," said Ciri from inside the wardrobe. Just then, Admiral Ackbar tapped Geralt on the shoulder.

"That's a mighty fine wardrobe you have there," said Admiral Ackbar to Geralt. "I should like to buy it."

"It is not for sale," said Geralt, speaking with his best exotic accent.

"No, no, no, come on now," said Admiral Ackbar. "One-thousand gold pieces enough for you?"

Jihadi Joe, and his buddies Jihadi John, Jihadi Jacob, Jihadi Joshua, Jihadi Janet, and Jihadi Jarrett had been invited to have dinner with the Führer. They sat at the table with Adolf Hitler, and they were drinking wines.

"How does my wine taste?" asked Hitler to the ISIS gang people. "It was brewed at my personal vineyard."

"It tastes wonderful," said Jihadi Joe.

"It's marvellous," said Jihadi John.

"Splendid, just splendid," said Jihadi Jacob.

"Best wine I've ever had," said Jihadi Joshua.

"The most superior wine, I'm sure," said Jihadi Janet.

"This wine is... good," said Jihadi Jarrett.

"Only good?" said Hitler.

"I can think of a way to make it better," said Jihadi Joe. Jihadi Joe pulled out his rapid ageing ray gun, and shot it at the wine.

"Now, my Führer, this wine will taste even better, now that it's matured." Adolf Hitler drank the wine, and immediately spat it out.

"It tastes like vinegar, you moron!" yelled Hitler. "You're supposed to know that alcohols oxidise to carboxylic acids!"

He grabbed his sword and impaled Jihadi Joe.

"Ten-thousand gold pieces," said Admiral Ackbar to Geralt.

"No," said Geralt with his 'foreign' accent. "This wardrobe is a family heirloom. It belonged to my great-great-great grandmother and she said she would rise up from hell and strike me dead if I sold it."

"Twenty-thousand gold pieces!" said Admiral Ackbar.

"No!" replied Geralt.

"One-hundred-thousand gold pieces, final offer!" yelled Admiral Ackbar.

"No," said Geralt finally.

"Very well then," said Admiral Ackbar. "I shall have to kill you to get that wardrobe for myself."

Admiral Ackbar pulled out his rapid ageing ray gun, and fired at Geralt. Geralt rolled out of the way, and disarmed Admiral Ackbar with magick. Geralt's mask and turban fell off at this point.

"You!" said Admiral Ackbar. "The Witcher!"

All of the ISIS thugs then surrounded Geralt, and aimed their ray guns at him.

"It's a trap!" said Admiral Ackbar. "But this time... it's a trap for you."

The ISIS thugs fired their weapons at Geralt, who dodged and blocked the beams with his sword. The rest of Team Witcher jumped out of their rather stupid disguises and helped fight off the thugs.

Team Witcher ran through the town of New Moria, being constantly fired at. Stray ageing rays hit civilians, causing several innocent people to age to death.

"How do we beat these guys?" asked Ciri.

Team Witcher were being overwhelmed by the sheer volume of ISIS thugs.

"I have an idea," said Geralt. He walked up to the local New Moria garden store, drawing the fire of the ISIS thugs. The ageing rays caused the plants of the ISIS store to start growing at a phenomenally fast rate.

A forest basically sprouted in the middle of New Moria in a few seconds, and the ISIS thugs found themselves all restrained by a particularly successful vine plant, which had weaved itself around their bodies.

None of them could move.

Ciri and Lady Feudalism and Christian White breathed a sigh of relief. But Geralt was not relieved; he was horrified to see all of the civilians who had been caught in the cross-fire.

New Moria was littered with skeletons and dead bodies in varying states of decay.

"It was a massacre," said Geralt, sadly. "And it's mostly my fault. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't pass through this town."

And then he saw one person who was still alive: an incredibly old man lying on the sidewalk. The man pointed at Geralt.

"You... I remember you... you aren't an ISIS person. You're good," said the old man.

"Solomon? You look so old..." asked Geralt.

"I'm... only four... years old..." said Solomon, who looked to be 504. Geralt knelt besides the dying Solomon.

"I'm sorry..." said Geralt. And then Solomon died in Geralt's arms, and was no more.

The rest of Team Witcher joined Geralt. They stood in silence and sadness, realising just how many people had been killed.

And then, Geralt turned around and saw Admiral Ackbar about a metre behind him, who had somehow escaped from the vines.

"You can't get rid of me that easily," said Admiral Ackbar. And Admiral Ackbar screamed "Allahu Ackbar!"

And then Admiral Ackbar shot Geralt in the head with the rapid ageing ray gun at point-blank range.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLII

THE MOUNTAIN OF DEATH


	42. Part XLII

**The Witcher: Part XLII**

 **The Mountain of Death**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt defeated most of ISIS using a clever trick with vines at the New Moria plant store. Unfortunately, Admiral Ackbar, leader of ISIS, somehow escaped captivity. And then he shot Geralt with an ageing ray gun at point-blank range.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

The ray was moving straight towards Geralt's head. Geralt ducked as fast as he could, and the ageing ray grazed the very top of his head.

His hair suddenly felt incredibly weird.

Geralt then grabbed Admiral Ackbar's wrist, disarmed him, and punched Admiral Ackbar in the face. Admiral Ackbar fell down, knocked out.

"Oh, Geralt!" said Lady Feudalism, suddenly shocked for some reason.

"What is it?" asked Geralt.

"Uh... well," said Ciri.

"You should look at a mirror," said Christian White. Geralt went into the bathroom in the plant store, and looked into the mirror at himself.

His hair had changed quite significantly.

The ageing ray had made his hair become much longer, and it was white.

"What?" said Geralt. "What? "I liked my hair as it was! What the hell is this?"

Lady Feudalism walked into the bathroom.

"I can't have this hair!" said Geralt. "It's whiter than Ciri's hair! It makes me look like... like I'm an old woman!"

"I think it looks great," said Lady Feudalism.

"It looks utterly ridiculous," said Geralt. "Like... when I'm standing in snowy areas, I look bald!"

"You'll be like... a white wolf," said Lady Feudalism. "You can finally live up to your wrestling title!"

Geralt ran his hands through his long white hair.

"I don't know if I can continue with this hair," said Geralt.

"It's fine," said Lady Feudalism. She walked up to Geralt and put her hands on his shoulders.

"I think you look better," said Lady Feudalism. She kissed him on the cheek. "Come back outside, there's a minor issue we have to deal with."

"Fine," said Geralt. Geralt, with his majestic mane of white hair, exited the bathroom.

Gagged and bound on the ground, was Admiral Ackbar.

"What do we do with him?" asked Ciri.

"Can't we just leave him like we do with everyone else we defeat?" asked Geralt.

"We can't. If we leave him, he'll die," said Christian White. "When you smacked him in the face, you broke a crucial component of his respirator and we have to keep refilling his tank with water to stop him from dying."

"So just leaving him would be akin to killing him..." said Geralt, running his hands through his hair.

"We can't take him with us," pointed out Lady Feudalism. "He'll just be a nuisance and we won't make it to the Palace of Death first if we're lugging him with us."

"So what's your suggestion?" asked Geralt.

"I say..." began Lady Feudalism. "I say we should put him out of his misery. I say we should end him."

Geralt was taken aback by Lady Feudalism's darkening morality.

"Think about it. You either kill him yourself now, or we let him suffer and die, or we lug him with us and then everyone dies."

"I thought I liked you," said Geralt. "But if you're going to insist that I betray my most fundamental belief..."

"Geralt, you're living in a fantasy world," said Lady Feudalism. "Not everyone lives! There will always be casualties of war, and hopefully not all of them will be your friends."

Lady Feudalism pulled out Iorverth's sword and pointed it at Admiral Ackbar.

"There's got to be some alternative solution," said Geralt. "We can't just kill him."

"Christian White... you're a man of god. You know about morality. What do you suggest I do?"

Christian White shrugged.

"Ciri... have you got any ideas?" asked Geralt. Ciri also shrugged.

Geralt ran his hands through his hair again. "Very well. It seems that... the least cruel option... is... to kill him."

Geralt pulled his sword out, and ran his hand across its golden blade.

"You're doing the right thing, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism. Geralt raised his sword above the helpless form of Admiral Ackbar.

"I'm betraying everything I am," said Geralt.

He raised the sword up, and prepared to plunge it into Admiral Ackbar.

And then he looked into Admiral Ackbar's eyes, and in those eyes, he saw the eleven year old witch boy that he had refused to kill, shortly after Geralt became the Witcher.

"No," said Geralt. And then he dropped his sword, and it clattered to the ground.

"I'm sorry," said Lady Feudalism.

And then she plunged Iorverth's sword into Admiral Ackbar's face.

And Admiral Ackbar was no more.

Geralt staggered back, shocked at Lady Feudalism.

"I don't know what to say," said Geralt.

Hitler's orchestra were playing his theme, when Heinrich Himmler entered Hitler's room.

"ISIS have failed," said Hitler. "Alduin and the Nords are useless. It is now your task to eliminate the Witcher."

"But how?" asked Himmler. "Every time we try to take him down he somehow recovers."

"I have a gift for you," said gave Himmler a small pill.

"I have been working on this for a while," said Hitler."This pill will allow you to assimilate genetic data from your surroundings."

Himmler ate the pill. Hitler pulled out an iguana.

"Now, touch this iguana," said Hitler. Himmler walked forward, and placed his hand on the iguana.

"Now, perform asexual reproduction," said Hitler to Himmler.

As Himmler cloned himself, the iguana slowly disappeared and was consumed. The new Himmler clone had scaly skin.

"Goood..." breathed Hitler.

The silence between the members of Team Witcher was uncomfortable. They flew through the cold Sky Rim air, and the Mountain of Death in the distance got larger.

And larger.

And then, finally, Team Witcher reached the base of the Mountain of Death. It seemed to fill the entire sky.

Geralt silently adjusted the magick carpet to fly up the near-vertical incline of the Mountain of Death. The sky was getting dark, and Team Witcher was getting tired.

"We should stop for the night," said Christian White. They landed in a mountain cave, and Lady Feudalism went and sat in a corner by herself.

"Are you okay, Geralt?" asked Ciri.

"I don't know," said Geralt monotonously. "I don't know if I'm supposed to trust Lady Feudalism or not, I don't know why she did what she did, I don't know what the purpose of my life is anymore! I need to go for a walk to clear my head."

And Geralt wandered out of the cave by himself.

Ciri walked up to Lady Feudalism.

"Did I do the right thing?" said Lady Feudalism. And then she started crying and Ciri hugged her.

Suddenly, Christian White tapped Ciri's shoulder.

"Uh... sorry to break up this moment, but there's kind of something at the entrance to the cave..."

Lady Feudalism and Ciri looked to the entrance to the cave. A six-legged abomination of a creature stood before them. It looked just like a spider, except it had a human face.

"Heinrich Himmler!" said Lady Feudalism.

And then the spider-Himmler jumped forward and started to spin a web around Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Christian White.

Geralt walked across the snowy ridge, on the side of a crevasse, deep in thought.

"To kill a person is to end them," said Geralt. "To end everything they were, everything they are, and everything and everyone they could be. Admiral Ackbar could have been a great person, he could have saved the world."

"But Lady Feudalism ended him."

Geralt sat down on a rock and buried his face in his hands.

"I don't want to be a killer," said Geralt. "Lest I become a cold-hearted murderer, soaked in the blood of his victims, standing atop a mountain of death."

Geralt looked up, and then he saw something distinctly unusual. There was what looked like a palm tree standing in the middle of the snow.

"That's weird," said Geralt. "I wonder what that's doing there."

And then the palm tree turned around, and started walking towards Geralt. It was Heinrich Himmler, in palm tree form.

"What the heck?" said Geralt.

Palm tree-Heinrich Himmler smacked Geralt across the torso with one of his branches, and Geralt fell across the edge of the ridge, into the crevasse.

And Geralt fell into the depths below.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLIII

THE INFINITY HIMMLERS


	43. Part XLIII

**The Witcher: Part XLIII**

 **The Infinity Himmlers**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Finally, Team Witcher are ascending the Mountain of Death en route to the final destination, the Palace of Death. Unfortunately, Ciri, Lady Feudalism, and Christian White have all been captured by an evil spider-Himmler! And Geralt has been pushed into a mountain crevasse by a palm tree-Himmler.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Geralt slowly awoke. He was in an ice cave, and it was quite terribly cold.

"Hello, Geralt," came a vaguely familiar voice from behind him.

Geralt turned around. Standing there, was a man wearing a tattered black full-body suit, and a damaged black helmet.

"Darth Rikon!" exclaimed Geralt. Geralt drew his sword on his father.

"Please," said Rikon. "My name is Korin."

"What?" said Geralt.

"I've changed, honestly," said Korin. "You made me see the error of my ways. I'm good now."

"Dad?" said Geralt.

"Yes, I am your father," said Korin. "You may call me 'dad'."

"Okay," said Geralt.

"Nice hair, by the way," said Korin. Geralt scowled.

"I saw you falling down the crevasse, so I grabbed you out of the air, and saved you," said Korin.

Geralt looked at his father's damaged body suit. "What happened to you?" asked Geralt.

"After you... changed me... I decided that my life would no longer be dictated by Adolf Hitler," explained Korin. "So I went and faced him. And then, well... you know how Hitler is... he got a bit angry and then he zapped me with a bit of lightning and I only just got away. And then he sent a bunch of Himmlers after me and I ran away and here I am."

"It was some kind of mutant palm tree-Himmler who pushed me into the crevasse," said Geralt.

"The Himmlers can now assimilate genetic data from third-party sources," said Korin. "So that means clever tricks like spraying them with some slightly acidic rain no longer work."

"Can't we just fight them?" asked Geralt.

"Do you know how many Himmlers there are?" said Korin. Korin led Geralt to the mouth of the cave, and pointed out at the landscape of the Mountain of Death. Instead of being rocky and snowy like it was before, the Mountain of Death was now covered in dense overgrowth, with a variety of fearsome-looking animals moving about.

"Every tree, every bush, every animal you see on the Mountain of Death is a mutant Himmler," said Korin.

"I see," said Geralt, with a sinking feeling in his stomach. "So Lady Feudalism... and Christian and Ciri..."

"The Himmlers have probably already come for them," said Korin somberly. "No single person is powerful enough to defeat the combined force of every Heinrich Himmler."

"Then what do we do?" asked Geralt.

"Well..." began Korin. "I have a plan."

Korin walked to the corner of the cave, and lying there, was the dead body of a Heinrich Himmler.

"Asexual reproduction is the key to Heinrich Himmler's success," said Korin. "If you can stop that, then it should be relatively easy to take out all of the Himmlers. I have been studying this Heinrich Himmler's cells, and I believe I know how to defeat Heinrich Himmler."

"You see, when Heinrich Himmler reproduces, he undergoes a specific kind of rapid mitosis. I discovered a type of radiation, called the Omega Wave, which, on contact with a Heinrich Himmler, disrupts the mitotic spindle fibres, therefore rendering him... well... sterile."

"You're smart, dad," said Geralt. "I never realised you were so good at science."

"Can you go and shoot all of the Himmlers with that radiation now?" asked Geralt.

"It's not that simple," said Korin. "The only way to transmit the radiation is with a radio mast. And the only radio mast on the Mountain of Death is about one kilometer from here."

"That's not too far," said Geralt.

"To get there we have to pass through the dense overgrowth of Himmlers, though," pointed out Korin.

"Oh," replied Geralt.

At the base of the Mountain of Death, there sat the largest airship in Rivia.

"Very nice," said Hitler, staring up at the airship and admiring the handiwork of the Nazi Elf Draugr. "We will surely ascend this mountain faster than the Witcher. And we'll be waiting for him at the Palace of Death."

Hitler walked up the ramp into the airship, with his 48-man orchestra following close behind. It was a luxury airship, manned with a crew of 723 Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Beautiful," said Hitler, walking into his office at the front of the ship. And then the ship took off, and began to slowly ascend the Mountain of Death.

Ciri, Christian White, and Lady Feudalism were trapped in a cage, beneath a Heinrich Himmler-tree. A Heinrich Himmler-cat prowled up to the cage.

"There's no escape..." said the Heinrich Himmler-cat. "It is only a matter of time before the Witcher comes to rescue you... And then... we can kill him and his father."

Lady Feudalism ran her hands through her hair.

"Poor Geralt," said Christian White.

"I... think Geralt is a naive fool," said Lady Feudalism suddenly. "He thinks he can get away without anyone dying. I don't know if I have faith in him anymore..."

"I have faith in the Witcher," said Ciri. "I have more faith in the Witcher than anyone else I've ever met."

"What do you know about faith?" said Lady Feudalism scathingly.

"My entire life... has been in preparation for this journey," said Ciri.

"When I lived in Cintra... we had a fortuneteller who said that the Witcher would one day pass through our small desert town. Knowing that the fate of all Rivia would depend on this journey, I decided to volunteer to wait for the Witcher. I gave up my family, my friends, and my boyfriend, Klippi to wait for the Witcher. Everyone else left Cintra when they heard that there were perhaps better lives in other places."

"But I remained behind. I remained faithful to the Witcher. I spent years training my body and mind for this journey, for the Witcher. I waited 102 years, and I remained faithful. And I still am."

"I don't know if I can remain faithful to Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.

Severus Hitler, Communist O'Lenin, and Klippi had reached the base of the Mountain of Death. The incline of the Mountain of Death was near vertical.

"How the heck do we get up that?" asked Communist O'Lenin. Severus reached into his bag and pulled out three grappling hooks.

"Come on," said Klippi. "I'm too old for this."

"You can stay behind here," said Severus. "Or you can come with us to save the world."

"Fine then, I'll try it," said Klippi. He threw the grappling hook up at the icy mountain-face, but it bounced off and fell back to the ground.

"Useless," said Communist O'Lenin.

"It looks like we're left with no choice," said Korin. "We've got to go to the radio mast and somehow get past all of those Himmlers."

"Then let's waste no time," said Geralt. "It's time for us to do this."

Korin drew his lightsaber, and Geralt drew his golden sword. And father and son walked out into the abyss of Heinrich Himmler.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLIV

SUICIDE MISSION


	44. Part XLIV

**The Witcher: Part XLIV**

 **Suicide Mission**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt and his father, Korin, have decided to eliminate Heinrich Himmler once and for all. Korin has developed a form of radiation: the Omega Wave, which can prevent Himmler from reproducing.

The journey continues...

Geralt and Korin walked into what was basically a jungle of Heinrich Himmlers. On his back, Korin carried a whole bag full of equipment necessary to construct the Omega Wave.

"Why aren't they attacking us?" asked Geralt, pointing at all of the Himmler-trees.

"They don't see us yet," replied Korin. "Their faces are on their top branches."

Just then, a weed jumped out of the ground. It was a Himmler-weed.

Korin sliced his lightsaber at it, and the weed was cut into many small pieces.

"We've got to be careful," said Korin. "Every piece of vegetation, and every animal, is a Heinrich Himmler." They continued to walk as quietly as they could.

And then, suddenly, a Himmler-bear attacked Geralt from behind, and Geralt was knocked back.

"My son!" said Korin, who ran up to the Himmler-bear and sliced his lightsaber at it. The Himmler-bear, being sentient, dodged, and swiped a claw at Korin.

Korin sliced the bear's paw off, and then stabbed it through the throat.

"Thank you," said Geralt, slowly standing up.

"You're my son," said Korin. "I know that I haven't been the best father, but I hope I can achieve some sort of atonement for what I've done in the past."

They continued to walk, before they came across another three Himmler-bears.

"You are fools to come into our domain," said one Himmler-bear. "Every organism in this environment is out to destroy you. And now, you shall be destroyed."

Geralt swiped his sword at the bear. The Himmler-bear dodged and ran at Korin. Korin sliced the Himmler-bear's head off, but another Himmler-bear came from behind and bit Korin's shoulder.

Geralt ran up to the Himmler-bear and stabbed it in the head. And the bear fell down dead.

"Don't you have morals or something?" asked Korin.

"I can kill asexually reproducing organisms fine," said Geralt. "They don't count as true beings."

"I think that's unnecessary discrimination," said the remaining Himmler-bear. It attacked Geralt, and Geralt sliced the bear on the back.

The bear howled in pain, and then it ran straight into a nearby tree. It struck the tree so hard that it smashed its skull and died.

"Why would it do that?" asked Geralt, confused at the suicidal behaviour of the bear.

"It was a necessary sacrifice to alert us to your presence here," came a deep, booming voice from high up. Geralt and Korin looked up.

The tree that the bear had struck was a Himmler-tree.

It wasn't just a small tree either: it was a massive tree with massive branches.

"Everyone!" yelled the Himmler-tree. "The Witcher and his father are here!" And then suddenly, all of the trees in the forest began to smack their branches down at Geralt and Korin.

"Aaaargh!" cried Geralt, trying to slice all of the branches coming down at him.

Geralt then had an idea: he conjured a relatively large ball of fire, and then used it to burn a whole bunch of trees. But other nearby trees simply reproduced, and replaced the ones which Geralt had destroyed.

Suddenly, Korin screamed. One tree had sliced open the back of his suit, and the mechanical workings of his body within were spilling out.

Geralt magicked up a mound of dirt around himself and his father, giving them temporary relief from the fighting.

"Are you okay?" asked Geralt, running to his father.

"I'll... survive," replied Korin.

Geralt stuffed Korin's guts back into him and sealed Korin's back with magick.

"We can't simply walk through this jungle," said Korin. "There are too many trees."

At that point, a small contingent of Himmler-mosquitos infiltrated the small fort Geralt had created. The swarmed around Geralt and his father, and started to bite. Channeling the power of his midi-chlorians, Korin burned the mosquitos with magickek.

"Let's try flying above this stupid forest," suggested Geralt.

"Good idea," replied Korin.

With the combined powers of their magick and magickek, Geralt and Korin flew up into the air, dodging all of the branches trying to tear at them. Eventually, they managed to rise above the top of the Himmler-trees, and out of reach of the branches tearing at them.

"Now we can safely fly to the radio mast," said Geralt.

"No Himmlers can possibly reach us here," said Korin. And then, if only to prove Korin wrong, a Himmler-pterodactyl rose from the jungle and tried to skewer Geralt and Korin on its nose.

"You can never escape from us," said the Himmler-pterodactyl as Geralt and Korin flew out of the way. Korin sliced off the pterodactyl's head, and the head and the body fell back down into the forest.

"Let's keep going," said Korin.

Geralt and his father continued to levitate along on their path to the radio mast.

And then another Himmler-pterodactyl rose from the jungle. It divided via mitosis a few times, and before long, several Himmler-pterodactyl's flew before Geralt and his father. They started to slice at the pterodactyls, but there were simply too many.

And to further make things worse, a bunch of Himmler-bees rose up from behind Geralt and started stinging him. Geralt swung his sword at the Himmler-bees, and hitting a few, but not all of them. And finally, to make things even harder, a fleet of Himmler-toucans appeared, and started pecking Geralt.

Bloody wounds started to appear all over Geralt. Geralt sliced and cut at them, but they continued to reproduce.

"Come on, son! We can do this!" said Korin, trying to motivate Geralt to defeat the Himmler-toucans.

Geralt summoned forth a ball of fire, and exploded it in front of the Himmler-toucans and Himmler-pterodactyls and Himmler-bees. They were all charred to a crisp and fell down to the jungle.

"We can't take the sky route," said Geralt "There are too many of them."

"So if we can't take the sky route and we can't walk on the ground, where do we go then?" asked Korin.

Geralt looked downwards, and saw a river.

"I remember vaguely that there was a river in our paddock," said Geralt. "And I remember that you liked swimming in it."

"Then let's go swimming!" said Korin.

Korin and Geralt dived downwards, past the rising army of Himmler-bees and Himmler-toucans and Himmler-pterodactyls, and landed in the water.

"I hope the Heinrich Himmler aquatic life is less threatening," said Geralt.

Geralt and Korin drifted down the river, keeping their heads low so no Heinrich Himmlers would notice them. Luckily, it worked: they were not seen by any Heinrich Himmlers above the surface of the water.

Unfortunately, after a few minutes, they were attacked by a Heinrich Himmler crocodile. It snapped at the already injured Korin, and Geralt quickly swam forward and stabbed the Himmler-crocodile through the skull.

"I'm not as good with my lightsaber when I'm swimming," said Korin.

And then, a school of Himmler-piranhas swam towards Geralt's behind, and Korin quickly swam forward and sliced them all with his lightsaber. Geralt and Korin continued to swim forward.

"The Himmlers in here are manageable," said Korin.

Again, Korin was forced to eat his words when a they were attacked by a Himmler-narwhal. It had a long, thin, horn on the end of its head.

"Now, Witcher and Witcher-father, I will end your lives," said the Himmler-narwhal. As if it were the jedi of the sea, the Himmler-narwhal sliced its horn at Korin.

Korin parried with his lightsaber, and for some reason, the horn was strong enough to resist the parry. The narwhal sliced, Korin swam back and then stabbed, and the narwhal blocked.

Geralt sliced at the Himmler-narwhal, which blocked Geralt's attack and sliced at Geralt, but the attack was blocked by Korin who then proceeded to slice off the narwhal's horn at its base. It screamed in pain, and then reproduced, dividing into two Himmler-narwhals, each with a newly grown horn.

"We have to get out of here," said Geralt, and he and Korin swam away and they clambered up onto the shore back into the jungle.

It seemed as though none of the Himmler-trees had noticed them, so Geralt and Korin continued towards the radio mast.

"We make a good team, Dad," whispered Geralt.

"Yeah, we do," replied Korin.

After a while, Geralt and Korin came across a cage hanging from a tree. There was some yelling coming from the tree.

"Hey Geralt! It's you! Please help us!" It was Ciri and Christian White and Lady Feudalism.

Geralt flew up into the tree, released them from the cage, and took them down from the tree.

"Thank you, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism with a bit of hesitation in her voice.

Geralt said nothing.

"What is Darth Rikon doing here?" asked Ciri, pointing at Korin.

"He's good now," said Geralt bluntly.

"My name is Korin," said Korin.

"Okay," said Ciri.

"He's my dad," said Geralt.

"And he's good now? What is happening?" said Ciri quite loudly.

"Shh. We have to be quiet or some Himmlers will notice us," whispered Geralt. So Team Witcher and Korin quietly crept through the jungle.

And finally, after quite a while, they arrived at a clearing. And in the middle, there was a very tall radio mast.

"It's time to finish all of the Himmlers," said Korin. He pulled some gear out of his bag.

"He has a plan to prevent all of the Himmlers from reproducing by exposing them to his Omega Wave radiation," said Geralt to his team.

Just then, a Himmler-cat appeared from the jungle and saw them.

"Hey!" it said. "What are you doing?"

The Himmler-cat began to divide, and then it attacked Team Witcher. One cat alerted the Himmler-trees, which started to bash down on Team Witcher. Whenever one Himmler was cut down, many more replaced it.

Geralt was slicing at cats and branches. Lady Feudalism was slicing with Iorverth's sword. Christian White was smashing Himmler-cats with his ceremonial staff. Ciri was portalling around trying to avoid being crushed or killed.

Korin signalled to Geralt, and Geralt walked up to his father.

"Okay, I'm going up the radio mast to activate the Omega Wave," said Korin.

"Good luck," said Geralt to his father. Geralt quickly hugged Korin, and then Korin began to climb the radio mast.

As Team Witcher continued to fight the hybrid Himmlers, everything suddenly went dark. Team Witcher and the Himmlers looked up. A giant airship filled the sky. And standing on the stern was Adolf Hitler.

"Rikon!" exclaimed Adolf Hitler, using magickek to amplify his voice throughout the air.

Korin was quickly placing the Omega Wave device on the top of the radio mast. "I'm almost done!" shouted Korin to Geralt.

"Come down now!" said Geralt.

"Nice to see you, Rikon!" said Adolf Hitler, his voice reverberating through the air.

"Come on, Dad!" yelled Geralt.

"Now I'm going to kill you for your treasonous acts!" said Hitler, just as Korin was making the final adjustments.

Korin flicked the final switch, and the Omega Wave was activated. "I've done it!" shouted Korin at Geralt.

And then a bolt of lightning, coming from Adolf Hitler, hit Korin. Korin screamed and fell off the radio mast.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Geralt.

Korin hit the ground. Geralt ran up to his father, whilst the rest of Team Witcher held off the Himmlers.

"Geralt... I believe this is the end for me..." said Korin.

"No..." said Geralt.

"I have only one wish. Remove this helmet, so I may see my son with my own eyes," said Korin weakly. Geralt complied, and slowly removed Korin's helmet.

Underneath the helmet, there lay the disfigured face of a chicken.

"Dad?" said Geralt.

"Thank you... my son..." said Korin. And then Korin stopped moving and was no more.

Tears in his eyes, Geralt stood up. He was angry.

"OKAY, THIS IS IT!" yelled Geralt. "THIS. IS. THE. END!"

Christian White and Ciri and Lady Feudalism all turned to see the rage of the Witcher.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, HIMMLERS! AND NOW YOU WILL ALL DIE!"

And Geralt brang forth a fireball, but he grew it larger and larger and larger, until it was almost as large as the radio mast. It was a ball of pure rage.

And then he fired it over the jungle of Himmlers, and every last Himmler was burned to death. Thanks to the Omega Wave, none of the Himmler-trees could reproduce back. Team Witcher stood in awe, never having seen Geralt this angry and destructive.

And then, from behind Geralt, the last Himmler attacked. It was a human Himmler.

"I am the last Himmler, and I will kill you," he said.

"DIE YOU STUPID GERMAN MORON!" yelled Geralt, and then he decapitated the final Himmler. And Heinrich Himmler was no more.

Geralt staggered back and collapsed to the ground, exhausted.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLV

A SACKFUL OF FLUFF


	45. Part XLV

**The Witcher: Part XLV**

 **A Sackful of Fluff**

Previously , on The Witcher:

Korin activated the Omega Wave, but sacrificed his own life in the process: Hitler zapped him, and he fell off the radio mast. Geralt then got really angry and wiped out every Heinrich Himmler.

The journey continues...

A Nazi Elf Draugr came into Hitler's office.

"I have found him," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"Good," said Hitler. Hitler motioned to his orchestra to start playing his theme. "Bring him in."

The Nazi Elf Draugr brought in a bound and gagged figure.

"Hello there," said Hitler to the figure. "I have a job for you. The choice is rather simple, really. You either kill the Witcher, or you die!"

He ungagged the figure, revealing the green face of Capitalist McMoney.

"Fine, I'll do as you say," said Capitalist McMoney quickly.

The next few hours were a blur to Geralt; he was barely conscious.

He remembered being swept up onto the magick carpet and being forced to go.

He remembered forcing forward the magick carpet at maximum speed to overtake Hitler's airship.

He remembered Lady Feudalism shouting some things at him and he shouted some things back.

He remembered the funeral pyre they created for his father.

He remembered the flames slowly curling up towards the sky.

And then Geralt woke up.

He bolted upright and looked at where he was lying. He was in a bedroom, lying in a four poster bed, and the room had quite exquisite wallpaper. He slowly got out of the bed, and he pulled a curtain near the window. He stared out the window and saw the jagged geography of the Mountain of Death.

Just then, there was a quick knock on the door.

"Come in..." said Geralt somewhat uncertainly.

A middle-aged man wearing a bowtie pranced into the room with large tray of food.

"Mister Geralt, sir, your breakfast is served," said the man.

"If you don't mind me asking, who are you, where am I, and where is my team?" asked Geralt.

"My dear friend, do you not remember?" said the man with his posh accent. "The answers to your questions are, in short, room service, the Lehman Brothers Recreational Facility, and Mister White and Lady Feudalism are enjoying the main recreational area whilst Miss Ciri remains asleep. Please enjoy your breakfast, and I'll be seeing you later."

And the man promptly left before Geralt could say anything.

Geralt scratched his head and looked at the meal that he had been given. It looked kind of like an omelette.

The Witcher sniffed the omelette, and it smelled normal... except for one thing... one thing wasn't quite right. He sniffed it again, and using his magick-heightened senses, he detected cyanide present in the omlette.

Someone was trying to poison him!

Geralt grabbed the omelette and chucked it out the window.

He then tried to open the door to his room, and it was locked, so he kicked it down. Geralt went down a hallway, and walked into the room that had 'Ciri' written on the door.

The room looked exactly the same as his one. He saw Ciri, and tapped her lightly on the shoulder.

"Geralt... what is it?" asked Ciri.

"That... room service guy... he gave me a poisoned omelette!" said Geralt quietly.

"Really?" said Ciri. "I thought these people at Lehman Brothers were good people but if they're trying to kill you they must be bad."

"What even is this place?" asked Geralt.

"The Lehman Brothers Recreational Facility," said Ciri. "Apparently it's a rest stop for weary travellers on their way up the Mountain of Death."

"I don't trust anyone here," said Geralt. "We should get Christian White and Lady Feudalism and get out of here."

"Okay," agreed Ciri.

They grabbed their belongings and quietly walked down the hallway, into the recreational area. There were a variety of TV screens, gaming machines, treadmills, toys, and other paraphernalia present in the main recreational area.

The area was also completely empty except for them.

"Where is Lady Feudalism and Christian White?" said Geralt.

"This is totally weird," said Ciri. "Maybe we should go and find the owners of this place."

Geralt and Ciri wandered around the empty room, and they eventually found an interesting golden staircase.

At the top of the staircase, there was a door, and on it, was a very elaborate-looking sign: "LEHMAN BROTHERS - LETHO AND GRAY MANN - CO-CEOS"

Geralt knocked on the door, and it was opened.

The office that was behind the door was beautiful: the walls were lined with gold, and there was a huge window with a marvellous view of the world beneath the Mountain of Death.

"Look at this... prestige, for need of a better word," said Ciri looking around the room.

At the end of the office, there was a huge golden desk. And sitting at the end of the desk, sat two men: one young, and one old.

"Letho," said the young man, who shook Geralt's hand.

"Gray Mann," said the old man, who also shook Geralt's hand. "We're not actually brothers, by the way, except in spirit."

Ciri, excluded from the handshaking, whispered something about sexism under her breath before they all took seats.

"So, how are you enjoying our facilities?" asked Letho.

"That's not really what I came to talk about," said Geralt. "Firstly, I want to know why my breakfast was poisoned with cyanide this morning."

"Uh..." said Letho.

"Well..." said Gray Mann.

"Your food must have not been poisoned," concluded Letho with the skill and accuracy of Sherlock Holmes on drugs.

"Yes, what he said," said Gray Mann.

Geralt eyed the two CEOs suspiciously. They didn't really strike Geralt as the CEO-type.

"I'm pretty sure it was poisoned," said Geralt.

"Did you try eating any to make sure? Maybe you should do that," said Letho.

"I threw it out the window," said Geralt quite flatly.

"Oh... I see..." said Gray Mann.

"Secondly, where are my friends Christian White and Lady Feudalism?" asked Geralt.

"Ah... well... yes..." said Letho. He cleared his throat.

"Um..." said Grey Mann. "They've been uh... selected for a... uh..."

"Special programme, that's right, a special recreational programme."

Geralt shot a quizzical look at Ciri. Ciri shrugged.

Severus was always the first awake. He sat on the cave floor staring into the flames of the fire that he had started the night before. Tongues of dark and light flickered across his face.

Klippi awoke soon enough. "You look troubled, Severus," said Klippi. "I know I've always been annoying, and a burden, but is there anything you want to talk about?"

"I don't know if I will be a good ruler when I have control of Rivia," said Severus. "I want to be a better man than my father, but I fear the power I'll have will corrupt me completely."

"That's why you have us; your friends," said Klippi. "We'll stop you from going too far."

"I hope so," said Severus, as the fire burned out.

Ciri and Geralt had been talking to Letho and Mann for about half and hour. Like any competent businessmen, Letho and Mann managed to speak for the entire time without actually answering any of Geralt's questions.

"Oh look, here are your friends now, back from their excursion," said Letho suddenly. A hidden trapdoor opened in the floor, and the room service guy, and Christian White, and Lady Feudalism walked up.

"Hi Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.

"Hi Geralt," said Christian White.

There was a certain emptiness in their eyes that set Geralt on edge. Each of them carried a giant white sack.

"We have been really enjoying our stay here at Lehman Brothers Recreational Facility," said Lady Feudalism monotonously.

"I wish we could stay here forever. It really is a great place," said Christian White. They way they spoke lacked any genuine emotion and it was creepy.

"What are you two doing with those sacks?" asked Geralt suspiciously.

"This place was so great that we spent all of our money, and then we acquired a debt and now we are paying it off by doing work for Lehman Brothers," said Lady Feudalism.

"We enjoy doing work for the Lehman Brothers Recreational Facility," said Christian White. "It is fulfilling and everything we expected of such a facility."

"We are collecting fluff off the carpets," said Lady Feudalism with a creepy smile. She bent over onto the ground, picked up some fluff, and placed it in the sack.

"See, your friends are fine!" said Letho.

"There's no reason to be concerned," said Gray Mann.

"We really need to go now," said Geralt. "We have a quest to complete."

"My previous occupation was not as satisfying as this," said Lady Feudalism.

"The Lehman Brothers Recreational Facility is the best place to work," said Christian White.

"What's up with them?" whispered Ciri.

Geralt stopped for a moment, and he thought. He considered Letho, and Gray Mann. He considered the blank look in Lady Feudalism's and Christian White's eyes. He looked at Letho, and Gray Mann, and Lady Feudalism, and Christian White, and Ciri, and the room service guy.

And then Geralt had an epiphany.

"I know what's happening now," he said.

"What is it?" asked Ciri.

Geralt drew his sword, and pointed it at the room service guy. "Capitalist McMoney, I should have known it was you!" said Geralt.

The room service guy disguise disappeared, and Capitalist McMoney appeared before them.

"Was I really that obvious?" said Capitalist McMoney. "Well, I suppose it hardly matters now, seeing as you're all going to die."

"You can't beat me," said Geralt. "Remember what happened last time?"

Capitalist McMoney rubbed his chest.

"I'm not going to be the one fighting you," he said. "You see, as a master of capitalism, I'm also a master of controlling people to do what I want. And I want you to die."

Without any kind of verbal signal or order, Letho, Gray Mann, Lady Feudalism, and Christian White all advanced on Ciri and Geralt. Lady Feudalism drew Iorverth's sword and slashed at Geralt. Christian White pulled out his ceremonial staff and smacked at Ciri.

"The very thing that will destroy Team Witcher will be... itself!" laughed Capitalist McMoney. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLVI

SUPER MONDAY NIGHT COMBAT


	46. Part XLVI

**The Witcher: Part XLVI**

 **Super Monday Night ComBat**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Lady Feudalism and Christian White have been brainwashed by the diabolical Capitalist McMoney! And now Lady Feudalism and Christian White are attacking Geralt and Ciri.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Capitalist McMoney turned away from the fight as an out of breath Nazi Elf Draugr ran up to him with a box.

"A gift from Herr Hitler," said the Nazi Elf Draugr, handing Capitalist McMoney the bat.

Capitalist McMoney opened the box quickly. Inside was what looked like a baseball bat.

"The Emperor said this bat was called a uh... Monday Evening Communications Bat or something. Apparently it can allow you to communicate with the Economics realm," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"I am well aware of what this is," said Capitalist McMoney, holding up the bat. "It's a Super Monday Night ComBat. I've been trying to get my hands on one of these for a while. It can smash holes in the fabric of this reality and anything that moves through the hole will be transported to the Economics realm. I suppose Hitler only wants me to make small holes so I can trap the Witcher..."

"...but I have better plans. I am going to transport the entirety of Rivia into the Economics realm. And then, I can dominate the world."

"It would be unwise to stand against Herr Hitler," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"But now... I have the power to do so," replied Capitalist McMoney.

And Capitalist McMoney smashed the Nazi Elf Draugr in the head with the Super Monday Night ComBat, creating a hole in reality. The Nazi Elf Draugr fell through to the Economics realm.

Geralt and Ciri were backed into a corner by the four capitalist zombies.

"It's me, it's Geralt!" said Geralt. Geralt pushed over Letho and knocked him out with some magick. "Please don't make me hurt you!" Geralt knocked out Grey Mann.

Lady Feudalism and Christian White continued to advance.

"Do something, Witcher!" said Ciri.

"Hang on," said Geralt. "I think I've prepared something for this."

Geralt reached into his pockets and pulled out some ointment made of mashed fly. He rubbed it over Christian White's face, and Christian White screamed in pain and fell back.

"Grey..." mumbled Christian White. "Grey... good... evil... black... grey... white..."

He looked up, and the life in his eyes had returned. "Geralt? What happened to me?"

He was denied an answer, as Lady Feudalism swung Iorverth's sword towards his neck.

"You have denied the truth, Christian White!" she cried. "You fail to understand that capitalism is the only way!"

Geralt ducked under her sword, and rubbed the ointment over her face.

"Iorverth!" she cried. "Iorverth, Iorverth, Geralt... Geralt..." she mumbled, momentarily dazed. "Geralt, Iorverth... Severus..."

And then she looked up, once again lucid.

"You were brainwashed by that scoundrel McMoney," said Geralt. "But you're back now. You're safe."

"Don't be too sure of that," came a voice from behind Geralt. It was Capitalist McMoney, holding the Super Monday Night ComBat.

"That bat," said Christian White, pointing to the Monday Night ComBat. "That bat can tear holes in the fabric of this universe. Be careful with it."

Capitalist McMoney struck the unconscious forms of Letho and Gray Mann with the bat, and a giant hole appeared in the middle of the office.

It began to grow, sucking everything into it. The Economic wormhole began to consume the Lehman Brothers CEO office. Geralt kicked down the front door of the office and led Team Witcher down the stairs.

The event horizon was slowly gaining on them, and Capitalist McMoney sat atop the event horizon, using his economic power (which translated to physical power due to the economic energy spilling out of the wormhole).

"You will be consumered!" laughed Capitalist McMoney as the reality hole continued to increase in size.

"You know about politics," said Severus, taking Communist O'Lenin aside.

"Do you think that I'm... do you think that I'd make a good world ruler?" asked Severus.

"Well, you can be a little bit cruel at times," said Communist O'Lenin quite earnestly. "But nowhere as bad as your father is. If you have someone to hold you back... someone to stop you from being a cruel or negligent leader, I think you might be fine."

"I'm not proud that my name is Hitler," said Severus. "It's a mark of shame. One day, I'm going to change it and then I won't be literally Hitler... I'm not a bad person."

"Just remember that we're not on this quest for the power. We're on this quest because we want to make Rivia a better place," said Communist O'Lenin.

Capitalist McMoney was growingly increasingly maniacal. The reality hole had absorbed a considerable portion of the recreational facility building and it would only be a matter of time before it absorbed Team Witcher.

Team Witcher ran out the front door, onto a snowy plateau on the Mountain of Death. There was considerable economics energy spilling from the reality hole, and Capitalist McMoney was concentrating it into green bolts and firing it at Team Witcher. Geralt kept trying to deflect it with his golden sword, but even gold could only absorb so much economics energy.

"Does anyone have platinum or diamonds or anything of high economic value? Only things of high economic value can absorb economic energy," said Geralt.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "It's gone too far now! Nothing in the world can stop me now!"

Geralt raised an eyebrow at how stereotypical Capitalist McMoney was being.

"Not the Witcher, not Hitler, not my brother, not you, my sister, nobody!"

Geralt deflected a few more shots of economic energy with Smite.

"Feel the power of ECONOMICS!" screamed McMoney.

Geralt jumped up into the air and drove his sword towards Capitalist McMoney's chest.

"No you're not doing this again," said McMoney. And Capitalist McMoney summoned a torrent of economic energy sending Geralt back, towards the growing hole in reality, which had consumed all of Lehman Brothers.

Team Witcher retreated back along the ridge, and they hid behind an outcropping of pock. Christian White turned to Lady Feudalism.

"Is there nothing you can do to stop your brother?" he asked.

"Seriously, there's nothing I'd like more than to kill that diabolical moron," said Lady Feudalism. "But no, I have nothing."

"Come on Witcher!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "Come out and I will finish you!"

Just then, Geralt had an idea.

"I think I know how to solve this reality hole problem," said Geralt.

"What is it?" asked Christian White.

"Well, if you think about it, the capitalist economy is tied directly to an arbitrary and easy to produce item: paper money," said Geralt.

"And so what?" said Ciri.

"Well, I reckon that if we can get enough paper money, we can pump it into that reality hole, and the entire Economics realm will inflate causing Capitalist McMoney to become powerless as his wealth disappears," replied Geralt with advanced economic knowledge.

"Where do we get paper money though?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"We only really need the paper and the ink," said Geralt. "And I'm pretty sure I can magick out all of the patterns and stuff."

"COME ON GERALT! COME ON MY SISTER! THE ECONOMICS REALM IS CALLING!" screamed McMoney again.

"Where do we get the paper and ink though?" asked Geralt.

Ciri reached into her bag and pulled out several rolls of toilet paper. "This is good lol?" asked Ciri.

"Perfect," said Geralt. "And now I need ink."

Christian White reached into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of pens.

"GERALT! YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREEEVVER!" yelled Capitalist McMoney.

Geralt smashed the pens with a nearby rock, and a bunch of ink spilled out.

Ciri pulled out a one-thousand dollar note, the highest denomination of currency, and Geralt carefully magicked the pattern all the way down all of the toilet paper rolls.

It took a few minutes to complete, whilst Capitalist McMoney yelled his capitalist threats. At the end of it, Geralt had completed a considerable wad of counterfeit money.

"This looks pretty good," said Geralt, comparing the counterfeit notes to the real note. "I think the Economics realm won't be able to tell the difference."

"WHERE ARE YOUUU?" screamed Capitalist McMoney.

"Okay, here I go," said Geralt, holding the wad of banknotes. He jumped out into the open, and Capitalist McMoney immediately saw him.

"THERE YOU ARE, WITCHER!" he screamed.

Geralt ran up to the event horizon and threw all of the counterfeit banknotes into the Economics realm.

At first, nothing happened.

But then, Geralt could see the effects of inflation beginning to appear. The energy spilling out from the Economics realm changed to a murky black colour, and the event horizon darkened. Capitalist McMoney's power began to wane, as the amount of capital he owned decreased.

And then, all of a sudden, he fell to the ground, powerless.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Capitalist McMoney. "My plans! No... you cannot..."

He was defeated.

"My... my capital... the capital... that I raised... over all those years... the power that I... created... is all gone!"

The dark hole in reality continued to grow.

"You fools! You haven't stopped the hole in reality!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "Even though the Economics realm is in chaos, it's still going to absorb all of Rivia."

"Oh no," said Geralt.

"Nobody's going to have any money when Rivia's been sucked into the Economics realm," said Capitalist McMoney. "And they have a name for what a capitalist world is like when you have no money."

"What is that?" asked Geralt.

McMoney spoke ominously.

"Hell."

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLVII

KAER MORHEN


	47. Part XLVII

**The Witcher: Part XLVII**

 **Kaer Morhen**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt counterfeited a lot of money, and it caused the Economics realm to inflate, so Capitalist McMoney became powerless. However, the giant hole in reality he made is still there, and it is growing and it is unstoppable.

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

The giant black hole in the fabric of the universe was slowly eating away into the mountainside. Harsh winds and bolts of economics energy whipped around Team Witcher and Capitalist McMoney.

"How do we stop it?" asked Lady Feudalism to Capitalist McMoney. "You of all people should know."

Capitalist McMoney started laughing. "We're all gonna go down together! There's no way to stop it!"

Geralt ran his hands through his long white hair. "This is an economic hole... so normal laws of physics don't apply to it..." he said. "If only there were a way to... close it... or move it somewhere where it can't do any damage."

"Your magick can't do anything to that hole!" laughed Capitalist McMoney. "Only money can do anything to that hole."

"Do we have money, or anything valuable?" asked Geralt to Team Witcher.

"I have a bunch of paper money but it's all worthless thanks to you," said Capitalist McMoney bitterly.

"Any diamonds or anything that resists inflation?" asked Geralt.

"Your sword," said Lady Feudalism.

"It's made of gold isn't it?" said Christian White.

"It retains its economic value even during times of inflation!" said Ciri.

Geralt pulled out Smite, and he sliced left at the reality hole. The reality hole began to move to the left very slowly.

And then Geralt sliced upwards, and the reality hole began to move upwards. And it continued to move higher and higher up into the sky until it was no longer visible.

"Ha," said Geralt. "Laws of gravity don't apply to that thing. So I suppose it will keep going into space forever. And hopefully I never have to suffer the consequences of this action."

Geralt was suddenly interrupted by Capitalist McMoney shooting a bolt of lightning at him.

"I NEED THAT GOLD SWORD!" screamed Capitalist McMoney. "I NEED MONEY! I NEED CAPITAL!"

Capitalist McMoney rather pathetically continued to attack Geralt, before Lady Feudalism froze him. Capitalist McMoney's entire body was encased in ice, apart from his head.

"PLEASE!" yelled Capitalist McMoney. "LET ME HAVE A CHANCE TO REGAIN MY CAPITAL! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL TURN GOOD!" Capitalist McMoney started to sob.

"Let's leave him," said Geralt.

"No," said Lady Feudalism. "I've had enough of you, Capitalist McMoney. I've had enough of your stupidity and your moronic corrupt capitalism. I'm sick of your existence. And that's why... that's why I have to kill you."

Lady Feudalism drew Iorverth's sword.

"You wouldn't dare," said Capitalist McMoney, leering at Lady Feudalism.

"I've always wanted to kill you, Capitalist McMoney," said Lady Feudalism. "I hate you so much, I hate everything you stand for, and I hate the fact that I have the dishonour of being your sister."

"You don't have to do this," said Geralt.

"Shut up, Witcher," snapped Lady Feudalism. "You know nothing about hate. You know nothing!"

"Please, Lady Feudalism, just listen to me!" cried Geralt.

"You're so naive and ignorant, Geralt. You have these romantic preconceptions about being a hero, but you fail to realise that we live in a time of conflict."

"If you kill Capitalist McMoney you're killing in cold blood," said Geralt. "You can't appoint yourself his executioner!"

"I'm his sister. There is nobody more appropriate than I to end his miserable existence," replied Lady Feudalism.

"Please... I don't want to die," whimpered Capitalist McMoney. "Don't kill me." There was a kind of gleam in his eyes which invited pity.

Lady Feudalism sighed, and rubbed the back of her neck. "I don't know..." she said quietly.

"You've always thought that you wanted to kill him," said Geralt. "But won't make any difference to anything at all."

"I'd be doing Rivia a service by ridding her of this thing," said Lady Feudalism.

"Not really," said Geralt. "Our quest is almost at an end, and when we have the Sword of Death and rule the world, we'll be able to mind-control people like Capitalist McMoney to prevent them from doing things like this."

"Good point..." said Lady Feudalism.

"If you kill him you'll be doing it only out of hate," said Geralt. "You'll be no better than Adolf Hitler."

Lady Feudalism stopped for a moment and stroked her chin.

"Are you letting me go?" asked Capitalist McMoney. "Please please please please let me go!"

Lady Feudalism sighed. "Very well. You may go," she said.

And then she melted the ice, and Capitalist McMoney ran away, down the Mountain of Death, as fast as he could.

Lady Feudalism fell to her knees. Geralt turned to Ciri and Christian White.

"Can we have some time alone?" he asked.

Ciri and Christian White retreated behind a nearby outcropping of rock.

"Are we good now?" asked Geralt, crouching besides Lady Feudalism.

Lady Feudalism blinked a few times. "Yeah. We are, Geralt. We're good. I'm... sorry for what I was going to do... I just hate capitalism so much. I would be lost without your guidance, Geralt." She kissed his cheek.

"You're a good friend, Lady Feudalism," said Geralt. Lady Feudalism raised an eyebrow for a brief, imperceptible moment.

"Call me Grace," she said quite suddenly.

"Grace?" said Geralt.

"Yeah, that's my name. Grace Feudalism..." replied Lady Feudalism.

"I never tell anyone my first name," she said. "Not even Iorverth knew."

Lady Feudalism started to lean in towards Geralt, and Geralt was slightly confused for a moment. And then, all of a sudden, he realised what was happening.

"Oh," said Geralt. "I see... uh... I'm not too sure what to uh... say or do at this point... uh..."

"It's okay, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.

"I think... it would be best if we leave this stuff to after we finish our quest," said Geralt. "World domination first, romance later, okay?"

Lady Feudalism looked a little annoyed. "Okay, then," she said.

Geralt summoned the magick carpet and Team Witcher continued to fly up the Mountain of Death.

A Nazi Elf Draugr entered Hitler's office.

"Mein Führer, I have some information," he said.

"What is it?" said Hitler impatiently.

"I have learned that Capitalist McMoney tried to use the Monday Night ComBat to absorb Rivia into the Economics realm," said the Nazi Elf Draugr.

"The fool," remarked Hitler disdainfully. He looked out the airship window and happened to see a figure sprinting down the mountainside.

"There he is," said Hitler. "Bring that coward to me. I have a few words for him."

On the Mountain of Death, the darkness of evening came relatively early.

"I can see the top of the mountain!" said Geralt excitedly. "We're almost there!"

As the magick carpet continued to rise, Geralt saw a line of large stone-walled fortresses surrounding the summit of the Mountain of Death.

"Is that the Palace of Death?" asked Ciri.

"I don't think so," said Geralt. "God didn't actually tell me what the place looks like, but I think we should keep going up to the summit."

Team Witcher continued to rise, and the gradient of the rise of the Mountain of Death started to level off. After about two minutes, Team Witcher had reached the peak of the Mountain of Death.

Atop the peak, there sat the majestic Palace of Death.

The walls were made of dark black stone, which, despite the thousands of years since Jesus' time, had not weathered away at all. In fact, the walls looked polished; they glistened in the moonlight.

There was a wide series of steps leading up to the front doors of the Palace of Death. Geralt landed the magick carpet at the bottom of the steps.

"Well, here we are," said Geralt. "Journey's end."

Geralt, Lady Feudalism, Ciri, and Christian White stepped off the magick carpet and they walked up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs, right in front of the massive stone doors, there was a marble orb, about a metre in height, with a small notch at the very top.

"I'm guessing that the Key of Death goes in here," said Geralt, pulling out the Key of Death (which Iorverth had sacrificed himself to retrieve).

"We're the first ones here," said Lady Feudalism. "We've won!"

Geralt went and high-fived everyone, and then stuck the Key of Death into the Lock of Death.

Nothing happened.

"What's the matter?" asked Geralt suddenly, shocked.

Just then, a very old man with a grey beard emerged from the darkness. "My name is Vesemir," he said. "And you are the seventh Witcher, Geralt of Rivia, I assume?"

Geralt nodded, struck speechless by the gravelly majesty of Vesemir's voice.

"The Palace of Death will only open at noon," said Vesemir. "For that is the way the mighty first Witcher, Jesus Christ, designed the seal. Until noon tomorrow, allow me and the other greybeards to invite you to our wonderful city of Kaer Morhen."

"Where is that?" asked Ciri.

"There is a ring of fortresses surrounding the summit of this mountain. Within the fortresses is our city," replied Vesemir.

"Very well," said Geralt.

And Team Witcher and Vesemir flew down to Kaer Morhen.

On the outside, Kaer Morhen seemed like a tranquil and high-cultured city.

Inside, the story was quite different. The city was filled with bright lights and loud music and cars and cheap stores.

"Kaer Morhen has several swimming pools, and concert halls, and stuff like that," said Wulfgar, the greybeard tour guide Vesemir had assigned to Team Witcher. "There's the casino, and here's a recreational park, and here's some flash hotels."

"I thought you greybeards moved up to Kaer Morhen to separate yourself from worldly items," said Christian White.

"Well, originally, that was the plan, yes," said Wulfgar. "But if you leave any group of people without worldly items for long enough, they start to invent worldly items."

After a while, Wulfgar led Team Witcher to Kaer Morhen movie theatre number seventeen.

"There's someone here to meet you," said Wulfgar. "He's a really big fan of you, Witcher."

"Who is this?" asked Geralt.

Before long, a young greybeard with dark skin entered. "Hi, I'm M. Night Shyamalan," he said. "I'm a big fan of yours."

He ran up and shook Geralt's hand quite vigorously. "I made a film about you and your journey, and I really want you to see it."

"Oh no," said Geralt.

Capitalist McMoney stood before Hitler.

"Explain yourself," said Hitler. "Tell me why you betrayed my wishes."

"In capitalism, it's every man for himself," said Capitalist McMoney with hatred in his voice. "There are no alliances."

Hitler's orchestra began to slowly play his theme.

"YOU DARE DEFY ME!" yelled Hitler, smacking his fist on his desk. "You will pay for what you tried to do."

Adolf Hitler reached down behind his desk, and drew his massive sword, with its long, blood red, blade.

"Oh, please, don't," said Capitalist McMoney with terror in his eyes. "I don't want to die."

Hitler laughed.

"Please I... I don't... really... just please do-"

Hitler abruptly cut Capitalist McMoney off as he thrust his sword into McMoney's chest. McMoney screamed in pain, and then began to twitch on the end of Hitler's sword, as Hitler continued to laugh.

Hitler shook the limp form of Capitalist McMoney off his sword onto the ground. And Capitalist McMoney was no more.

"Incinerate this," he said, pointing to the dead body.

A nearby Nazi Elf Draugr carried the corpse away.

Hitler turned to his orchestra, and they crescendoed his theme. "I have a plan for what I shall do once I have retrieved the Sword of Death and defeated the Witcher," he said to his orchestra. "I call it... the Final Solution. You see... the non-witches... the muggles... the vermin have plagued Rivia for many years."

"When I rule the world, I SHALL PURGE RIVIA OF ALL THE NON-WITCHES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Severus stood on the edge of a ledge, staring out at the lands of Rivia. "Soon enough, this will all be mine, for better or for worse," he said, almost solemnly.

"Why are you so sure you'll beat your father and the Witcher?" asked Klippi.

"The Witcher has beaten you before on multiple occasions," said Communist O'Lenin.

"Yes... it is true that in this three-way battle, I have the least firepower," admitted Severus.

"But, in all honesty... I believe I'm the smartest. Geralt and my father are both idiots. I just need to make a few... cold and calculated moves..."

"But how?" asked Klippi. "What's your plan?"

"You'll see," said Severus.

"When the opportunity presents itself... when the right time arises... I will be there."

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLVIII

THE LAST WITCHER


	48. Part XLVIII

**The Witcher: Part XLVIII**

 **The Last Witcher**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher have arrived in the city of the greybeards Kaer Morhen, which is just below the Palace of Death. Unfortunately, they have run into one particular excitable greybeard: a certain M. Night Shyamalan.

And he's made a film about Team Witcher, and he wants then to watch it!

How will our heroes make it out of this predicament?

Team Witcher sat in the Kaer Morhen theatre.

"This better be good," said Geralt.

 _EXT. DAY, SHOT OF BLUE SKY_

 _TITLE TEXT [THE LAST WITCHER]_

 _[DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN]_

 _[PRODUCED BY MICHAEL BAY]_

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): This is the story of a wonderful man who bought hope to millions of people throughout Rivia, and how he brought down the evil Nazis and defeated Adolf Hitler._

"Spoilers, mate," said Ciri.

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): This is the story of the Witcher, Geralt of Rivia._

 _CUE DRAMATIC THEME SONG_

 _PAN CAMERA DOWN TO CLOSE UP SHOT ON A CHICKEN_

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): Interestingly, the great hero we all know and love originally began life as a fowl._

 _CAMERA ZOOM OUT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): Geralt had such a great love for the world that he decided he would take a human form to save it from the Nazis._

 _THE CHICKEN MORPHS INTO GERALT, AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT_

 _A MUGGLE WALKS ONTO THE SET_

 _MUGGLE: I order you to kill all the witches._

 _GERALT: K_

 _GERALT RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE, HIS WHITE HAIR STREAMING BEHIND_

"Hang on," said Geralt. "Movie Geralt has white hair already! But at that point my hair was still red!"

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): So Geralt went to kill all the witches. Unfortunately, he discovered morality at this point, and decided he would not kill all the witches._

 _EXT. DAY, HEAVEN_

 _GERALT: I was so conflicted about killing some witch kid that I killed myself. And now I am in heaven._

 _GOD (V.O): Geralt, if you promise to go get the Sword of Death and restore balance to the world, I will bring you back to life._

 _GERALT: K. Will go on quest._

"What's up with all this exposition?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"I think the writing is pretty terrible so far as well," said Geralt.

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): Geralt did a few things before he met me._

 _EXT. DAY, A PLACE_

 _GERALT FLIES TOWARDS A PLACE_

 _FIRE AND STUFF COMES UP FROM THE GROUND AND HITS HIM_

 _INT. DAY, ANOTHER PLACE_

 _GERALT IS CHAINED TO A THING_

 _ENTER PRINCE SEVERUS_

 _SEVERUS: I am the Half-Blood Prince. I need your red blood cells so I can carry sufficient oxygen._

 _GERALT: No._

 _GERALT SHOOTS SEVERUS WITH A BOLT OF LIGHTNING AND FLIES OUT THE WINDOW_

 _EXT. DAY, THE SKY OVER ROLLING GREEN HILLS_

 _FLYING GERALT HITS AN AEROPLANE, AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND_

 _A MAN, HIMMLER, CLIMBS OUT OF THE WRECKAGE_

 _HIMMLER: I am the evil asexually reproducing Heinrich Himmler. Yar!_

 _GERALT: I hate all asexually reproducing organisms!_

"That's wrong," said Geralt. "I don't hate them, it's just that it's more morally justifiable to kill them."

"I disagree," said Christian White. "All life forms are equally-"

"Shh, we're watching," said Ciri.

 _HEINRICH HIMMLER DIVIDES INTO SEVERAL HUNDRED_

 _GERALT KILLS THEM ALL_

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And then, came the fateful day that he met me, his one true love._

 _INT. DAY, INN_

 _GERALT ENTETS THE INN_

 _INNKEEPER: I love money..._

 _GERALT: What?_

 _CAPITALIST MCMONEY ENTERS THE INN_

 _MCMONEY: Ha! Witcher, there you are! I'm going to kill you._

 _GERALT: Oh no! How will I make it out of this predicament?_

 _LADY FEUDALISM ENTERS THE INN AND PUNCHES MCMONEY IN THE FACE._

 _GERALT: Wow, oh my god, you're awesome._

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Anything for you sweetie._

 _THEY KISS_

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And from that day on, my life was never the same._

Lady Feudalism looked quite annoyed.

"I thought you liked romance," said Geralt.

"It's not that," said Lady Feudalism. "The actress that's playing me is white, and she has blonde hair! I'm a witch! I'm supposed to have green skin! Why did they have to change my race?"

 _EXT. DAY, VIZIMA_

 _A CROWD OF BRAVE WARRIORS HAVE GATHERED BEFORE LADY FEUDALISM AND GERALT._

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): We're looking for fifty men to accompany us on our quest to vanquish the Nazis._

 _IORVERTH WALKS UP TO LADY FEUDALISM_

 _IORVERTH: My men will bravely follow you, m'lady._

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Thank you Iorverth._

 _EXT. DAY, TRAVELLING ACROSS SOME GENERIC LANDSCAPE_

 _IORVERTH: The men feel sick. I think they are catching some sort of disease._

 _GERALT: I will check your men out._

 _GERALT SHRINKS HIMSELF AND JUMPS INTO THE BRAINS OF IORVERTH'S MEN_

 _INT. BRAIN OF IORVERTH'S MEN_

 _SEVERUS IS WITHIN_

 _SEVERUS: I am so EVIL and I want to DOMINATE THE WORLD!_

 _GERALT: You evil Nazi!_

 _THEY FIGHT AND GERALT WINS_

 _GERALT: Rekt._

 _GERALT EXITS THE BRAINS OF IORVERTH'S MEN_

 _EXT. DAY, OUTSIDE_

 _ONLY IORVERTH AND LADY FEUDALISM ARE LEFT_

 _IORVERTH: All of the other ones were cowards and they ran away._

 _GERALT: Well, they suck._

 _THEY JOURNEY_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: We need supplies, so let's check out this Temeria town._

 _THEY GO INTO THE TOWN_

 _CUT TO SIX HOURS LATER_

 _THEY COME OUT OF THE TOWN_

 _IORVERTH IS GONE_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Where's Iorverth?_

 _THE EVIL ELF TIVOHERR APPEARS_

 _TIVOHERR: I took him. You need to follow me._

 _EXT. DAY, DESERT_

 _TIVOHERR: This desert city is called n'onu Satan. It is the ancient city of the elves._

 _INT. N'ONU SATAN_

 _A DRAUGR JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE_

 _GERALT ZAPS IT AND IT DIES_

"Wait a second," said Lady Feudalism. "Isn't that violating your moral code?"

"Did that even actually happen?" asked Ciri.

"Well, yeah. But that was a normal draugr, which, unlike Nazi Elf Draugr, aren't actually alive in the first place," replied Geralt.

"Thanks for clearing that apparent plot hole up," said Lady Feudalism.

 _TIVOHERR: I am actually the EVIL SIDE of IORVERTH._

 _POINTLESS EXPLOSIONS_

 _TIVOHERR: Now, I will ressurect the elves!_

 _ELF DRAUGR APPEAR AND ATTACK GERALT AND LADY FEUDALISM_

 _GERALT ZAPS TIVOHERR AND HE TURNS BACK INTO IORVERTH_

 _GERALT FLIES IORVERTH AND LADY FEUDALISM SAFELY AWAY FROM N'ONU SATAN_

 _EXT. NIGHT, THE TOWN OF CINTRA_

 _GERALT: I think... we need more firepower on Team Witcher._

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Yeah, we do._

 _THEY KISS, AND IORVERTH EYES THEM JEALOUSLY_

"Ooh, this is where I come in," said Ciri.

 _INT. CIRI'S HOUSE_

 _A YOUNG WOMAN IS SITTING ON THE MAGICK CARPET_

 _CIRI: Hi, I'm Ciri._

 _SHE KISSES GERALT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Don't you dare steal my true love from me!_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES GERALT_

 _CIRI: But I've trained to be with the Witcher for many years!_

 _CIRI KISSES GERALT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES GERALT_

 _IORVERTH KISSES LADY FEUDALISM_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES CIRI_

 _CIRI KISSES IORVERTH_

"What the hell?" said Geralt, covering his eyes. "Was this film written by a five year old or something? It doesn't actually make any sense!"

"I'm liking the fact that I'm a beautiful young woman in this film," said Ciri, watching the current scene and smiling.

 _EXT. DAY, DESERT_

 _TEAM WITCHER HAVE A MAP_

 _GERALT: So... where are we standing according to this map?_

 _IORVERTH: On top of an active volcano._

 _THE GROUND SUDDENLY EXPLODES, AND TEAM WITCHER FLIES UP ON THE MAGICK CARPET_

 _THERE ARE SEVERAL MORE EXPLOSIONS_

 _MORE EXPLOSIONS_

 _GERALT: Look over there! That town will be destroyed by the pyroclastic flow!_

 _IORVERTH: We've got to protect it!_

 _GERALT USES MAGICK TO PREVENT THE PYROCLASTIC FLOW FROM DESTROYING THE TOWN_

 _CIRI: You single handedly saved that town._

 _SHE KISSES GERALT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: You're the best!_

 _SHE ALSO KISSES GERALT_

 _IORVERTH: Hey..._

 _HE KISSES CIRI_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES IORVERTH_

 _IORVERTH KISSES GERALT_

"Not this again," said Geralt, covering his eyes once again. "This is a terrible, terrible, film."

 _INT. THE WITCHER FAN CLUB_

 _FAKE GERALT (WITH BANDANNA AND NOSERING) ENTERS_

 _GERALT: Who are you?_

 _FAKE GERALT: The real Witcher._

 _GERALT: I'm afraid that you're wrong, and I'm the real Witcher._

 _THEY FIGHT_

 _GERALT WINS, AND NICKS A GOLDEN SWORD OFF THE FAKE GERALT_

 _CAPITALIST MCMONEY ENTERS_

 _MCMONEY: Finally, Witcher, I have you where I want you!_

 _MCMONEY TELEPORTS THEM TO THE ECONOMICS WORLD_

 _EXT. ECONOMICS_

 _MCMONEY: Now, I have the power to destroy you, Witcher!_

 _GERALT JUMPS UP AND STABS MCMONEY_

 _GERALT: Gold sword has economic power, mate. You should know that._

 _THERE ARE SOME EXPLOSIONS AND TEAM WITCHER ARE BACK INTO THE REAL WORLD_

 _EXT. DAY, REAL WORLD_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Geralt, you know sooo much about economics._

 _LADY FEUDALISM: I love you, Geralt._

 _SHE KISSES GERALT_

 _CIRI KISSES GERALT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES IORVERTH_

"For God's sake," said Geralt. "All of this gratuitous nonsense really isn't necessary."

 _EXT. DAY, RANDOM PLACE_

 _SHAKE THE CAMERA A BIT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE_

 _CIRI: Oh my god an earthquake, save us Witcher._

 _GERALT: I've located the fault, and it's here._

 _GERALT TEARS OPEN THE GROUND AND SEALS THE FAULT_

 _GERALT: Oh no, twenty-three people died!_

 _PAN TO SHOW 23 DEAD BODIES_

"Hey, that 23rd dead body is played by M. Night Shyamalan," said Christian White.

"So it is," said Geralt.

 _INT. NIGHT, SOME TOWER_

 _CIRI: Why are we here?_

 _GERALT: Because we were sent to investigate the strange thing at the top of the tower._

 _AD LIB SOME REFERENCES TO THE NUMBER TWENTY-THREE_

 _INT. NIGHT, TOP OF TOWER_

 _IORVERTH BECOMES POSSESSED_

 _IORVERTH: Hello, I'm the sentient number twenty-three, and I'm here to irritate you._

 _GERALT: Well, you don't exist according to logic._

 _23 VANISHES_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Wow, you're so smart Geralt._

 _SHE KISSES GERALT_

"I'm pretty sure they got the number wrong. It wasn't twenty-three, was it?" asked Ciri.

"I trapped the number in my brain, so it isn't publicly available anymore," replied Geralt. "Nobody can actually use or remember the correct number anymore."

"Oh," said Ciri.

 _EXT. NIGHT, THE CITY OF NEWELL_

 _TEAM WITCHER ARE IN A HOUSE TOGETHER_

 _CIRI: I heard there were some people from ISIS in this town._

 _GERALT: Meh._

 _SEVERUS BREAKS INTO THE HOUSE_

 _SEVERUS: Witcher... we meet again!_

 _THEY FIGHT, BUT THEN SOME ISIS PEOPLE TURN UP AND BLOW THEMSELVES UP AND THEN GERALT AND SEVERUS ARE KNOCKED OUT AND TRANSPORTED AWAY_

"The pacing in this film is all off," said Christian White. "There's too many things to cover in just one hour!"

"I think a TV series would be more appropriate for my journey," said Geralt.

 _INT. ISIS PRISON_

 _TEAM WITCHER AND SEVERUS ARE CHAINED UP TOGETHER_

 _ADMIRAL ACKBAR ENTERS_

 _ACKBAR: Hitler will be proud that my ISIS men successfully trapped you, Witcher._

 _ACKBAR: It was quite a genius trap, to trap you while you were fighting Severus here._

 _WHITE GAS SUDDENLY STARTS TO APPEAR FROM THE VENTILATION DUCTS_

 _ACKBAR: It's a trap!_

 _TEAM WITCHER AND SEVERUS RUN AWAY FROM ISIS_

 _EXT. DAY, SHORE OF SOUTHERN CONTINENT_

 _GERALT: We can't fly across the water._

 _OSCAR WILDE ENTERS_

 _WILDE: That's why you need a ship. Here is my ship, the Geralady Feudalism, which you can use._

 _EXT. DAY, GERALADY FEUDALISM_

 _GERALT: Iorverth is missing, did anyone else notice?_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: Oh no!_

 _GERALT: Don't worry about him, Lady Feudalism, you're my babe, not his._

 _THEY KISS_

 _GERALT: Hey look, he's probably over there._

 _AN ISLAND RISES OUT OF THE SEA_

 _IT IS ATLANTIS_

 _GERALT: Let's go there._

 _EXT. DAY, ATLANTIS_

 _TEAM WITCHER SEE IORVERTH_

 _IORVERTH: Hi, I transformed to Tivoherr briefly and he made Atlantis appear._

 _GERALT: Oh well, I'll seal Atlantis away, and we can all be happy again._

 _GERALT DOES SOME EXPLODY MAGICK AND ATLANTIS DISAPPEARS_

 _EXT. DAY, GERALADY FEUDALISM_

 _WILDE: Oh no, it's the Wilde Hunt, they're coming for me!_

 _EREDIN JUMPS ONTO THE GERALADY FEUDALISM_

 _EREDIN: Arr, I be here to kill ye. Arr._

 _OSCAR WILDE KILLS EREDIN WITH A BAT_

 _GERALT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOORRRRAAAALLLLS!_

 _GERALT KICKS OSCAR WILDE OVERBOARD_

 _GERALT: I don't like people killing other people._

"I really can't finish this film," said Geralt. "Everything is so boring and terrible and repetitive. And almost nothing makes sense! And a lot of plot points are horribly inaccurate."

"M. Night Shyamalan will be offended if you don't finish his film, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.

"Fine, I'll suffer this rubbish," said Geralt.

 _INT. THE LIBRARY OF DEATH_

 _IORVERTH STAGGERS IN, A HOLE IN HIS CHEST_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: No, Iorverth!_

 _IORVERTH: I'm afraid it is time for me._

 _HE DIES_

 _LADY FEUDALISM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

 _CIRI: We should get a replacement for him._

"I think this is where I become relevant for the first time," said Christian White.

 _EXT. DAY, SOME PLACE (DIRECTOR COMMENT: I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE)_

 _A BURNED FIGURE IS ON THE GROUND AND IS FOUND BY TEAM WITCHER_

 _CHRISTIAN WHITE: Hello, Team Witcher. I heard you had a vacancy._

 _CIRI: Ooh, yeah, we definitely do._

 _SHE KISSES HIM_

 _CIRI: Christian White is now the newest member of Team Witcher._

 _CIRI KISSES GERALT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES GERALT_

 _LADY FEUDALISM KISSES CHRISTIAN WHITE_

"Okay, I'm not going to bother with any more of this," said Geralt. "I'm fastforwarding this to the end."

And Geralt used his magick to cut to the final scene of the film.

"Hey, I was enjoying that film!" said Ciri.

 _INT. THE PALACE OF DEATH_

 _GERALT AND HITLER STAND AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE ROOM_

 _IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, IS THE SWORD OF DEATH_

"It looks like this film has a prediction of the future," said Geralt.

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And so it came down to this: the ultimate final battle between Adolf Hitler and Geralt._

 _GERALT: I've decided that there is only one way to bring liberty and freedom to the world._

 _HITLER: How?_

 _GERALT: Killing you!_

 _HITLER: But what about your morals?_

 _GERALT RUNS UP TO THE SWORD OF DEATH, GRABS IT, AND DECAPITATES HITLER_

 _GERALT: I have decided that morals are for the weak! I want to be a strong leader, which means no morals!_

 _LADY FEUDALISM (V.O): And from that day forward, Geralt was king of the world._

 _TEXT APPEARS ON SCREEN: [THE END]_

"I think that final character progression at the end was horribly unrealistic," said Lady Feudalism.

"I agree," said Geralt. "It was just a terrible film overall. The plot was rushed, the dialogue was stilted, the special effects were poor, and the character development was almost non-existent."

"And also, there isn't even going to be a fight between me and Hitler. I'm going to have the Sword of Death, so I can just mind control him. No need for any sort of final battle!"

"I hope so," replied Lady Feudalism.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART XLIX

THE SWORD OF DEATH


	49. Part XLIX

**The Witcher: Part XLIX**

 **The Sword of Death**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Team Witcher have arrived at the city of Kaer Morhen, which is just below the Palace of Death at the summit of the Mountain of Death. They need only to wait for noon, as the Palace of Death opens only at that time.

Their journey is almost at an end. The unification of the world is at hand.

The journey concludes...

It was a bright morning in Kaer Morhen. Team Witcher were sleeping in the Witcher's quarters, a special wing created by the greybeards. Geralt sat up, and gently roused the rest of Team Witcher.

"It's time to awaken," he said to Lady Feudalism and Ciri and Christian White. "We don't want to be late for our destiny."

The others slowly and groggily rose.

"Come on, let's go," he said.

Geralt summoned the magick carpet, and positioned it outside the window.

"Okay, we're ready," said Lady Feudalism, with determination in her voice. "This is it. This is the day we've been waiting for." Team Witcher climbed aboard the magick carpet and they flew away from Kaer Morhen.

Before long, they reached the peak of the Mountain of Death once again. Geralt parked the magick carpet at the base of the stairs leading up to the Palace of Death.

He looked to his team.

"This is it," he said. "Let's go."

They slowly climbed the stairs, up to their final destination.

The black walls of the Palace of Death reflected some of the sun's glare, showing how neatly polished the walls were.

Geralt stood before the marble orb with the keyhole.

Vesemir appeared from the shadows. "It is now noon," he said. "It is time for you to face your destiny, Witcher."

Geralt looked to Lady Feudalism, and then to Ciri, and then to Christian White.

"Here I go," he said.

Geralt grabbed the Key of Death, and thrust it into the lock.

At first, it seemed as though nothing happened. But then, the ground began to shake.

And suddenly, a vertical red beam shot out of the marble orb up into the air. The red colour spread across the sky, turning the sky a calamitous crimson.

"Why did that happen?" asked Geralt.

"It's a stylistic thing Jesus added when he designed the place," replied Vesemir. "It creates a nice climactic feeling."

Suddenly, the giant double door of the Palace of Death lurched open, and behind it was darkness.

"Okay," said Geralt. "Let's go and get the Sword of Death."

Team Witcher slowly, tentatively, walked through the doors of the Palace of Death. The inside was dimly lit by everlasting torches.

Team Witcher walked through the large entrance hall, their steps echoing through the air. The walls and floor were made of the same black stone as the outside of the Palace of Death.

At the end of the entrance hall, there was another door, which Geralt opened, revealing a series of stairs leading up. Team Witcher slowly walked up the staircase.

At the top was the Chamber of Death.

There were sixteen black monoliths in the chamber, eight on the left and eight on the right.

"This is an... unsettling place," said Ciri.

"I know," said Geralt, his voice echoing through the chamber. "It's designed to be creepy."

Team Witcher walked down the path between the monoliths.

At the end of the path was a slightly raised platform.

Sitting on the platform was a large rock.

And wedged inside the rock was the Sword of Death.

Its hilt was elaborately designed, with a black jewel in the pommel and a depiction of a bloodlusted Jesus carved into it. Its blade was black.

Geralt stepped up to the raised platform.

"This is the end of the journey," said Geralt. "All I need to do is draw the sword from the stone and then I will be the supreme ruler of the world."

"Do it, Geralt," said Lady Feudalism.

Geralt nodded, and wrapped his hands around the hilt. The Sword of Death was very firmly sealed into the rock. Geralt pulled as hard as he could, using magick to make him stronger.

After about half a minute of straining and pulling, the Sword of Death suddenly slipped out from the rock.

Geralt fell over backwards from the force he was applying.

"He's done it!" said Lady Feudalism.

"The Witcher has won!" said Christian White.

"Go Geralt!" said Ciri.

Geralt got up and brushed himself down with his left hand, and he raised the Sword of Death up into the air victoriously.

"We have won," said Geralt. "The world is ours."

Lady Feudalism, Ciri, and Christian White clapped and cheered.

Then, suddenly, Vesemir entered the Chamber of Death. "I'm sorry to interrupt your celebration," said Vesemir. "But I'm afraid you... haven't quite won yet."

Geralt's face fell. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"You see... the Sword of Death... is currently inactive. You can't actually control people with it," replied Vesemir.

"What?" said Geralt. "How do I activate it, then?"

"There is but one way to activate it," said Vesemir. "The Sword of Death only activates when it is stained with the blood of your greatest enemy."

It took a few moments for Geralt to register what Vesemir was saying.

"So... I'm going to have to fight Hitler," said Geralt.

"You're going to have to kill Hitler," replied Vesemir. "Anyone hit by the Sword of Death dies. That's why it's called the Sword of Death."

Geralt stepped down from the platform, and dropped the Sword of Death to the ground. He buried his face in his hands.

"I know you have very strong morals, Witcher," said Vesemir. "But I'm afraid that... just for today, you're going to have to ignore-"

Geralt pushed Vesemir back with a sudden Fus Ro Dah.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, VESEMIR!" he cried. "I CAN'T JUST IGNORE MY MORALS!"

"You can't give up on your quest either," said Vesemir.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" yelled Geralt to Vesemir.

Vesemir scrambled out of the Chamber of Death. Geralt sat down on the edge of the raised platform, and was silent for a bit.

Then, he slowly looked up.

"What do I do?" he asked.

"Lady Feudalism... you've been with me the longest... what do I do?"

Lady Feudalism rubbed her chin. "I think that... you must kill Hitler," she said. "Remember that Hitler is an incredibly evil man."

"Remember that Hitler killed your father."

"Remember that Hitler killed Iorverth!" she cried bitterly. "You must kill Hitler! That was Iorverth's last wish, and it is my wish also."

Geralt turned away from Lady Feudalism. "I know Hitler is bad," said Geralt. "But... I can't justify killing him."

Geralt turned to Ciri.

"You're the oldest of our group... tell me what I should do."

Ciri thought for a few moments. "I really think you have no choice," said Ciri. "Adolf Hitler must die for the good of the world. And if you want to succeed on this quest... if you truly want world unification... you must kill Adolf Hitler."

Geralt looked down at the ground and then looked up again. "Christian White... you're a man of God," he said. "You're not a killer. Tell me what I should do."

"It was God's will that you come up here and collect the Sword of Death," said Christian White. "God knew that you'd have to kill Hitler. I believe it was God's will that Hitler dies. So I believe you should kill Hitler. It is your destiny, as the seventh Witcher, to restore balance to the world by killing Adolf Hitler."

Geralt picked up the Sword of Death and paced up and down the Chamber of Death. "It looks like I have no choice," said Geralt, finally. "This is the purpose for which God returned me to Rivia. And I must fulfill that duty."

"I will... I will kill Adolf Hitler."

The White Wolf, Geralt of Rivia, stood holding his two swords, with his long white hair streaming behind.

"I am ready," he said.

Right on cue, the Chamber of Death began to shake.

Vesemir hurried back up into the Chamber. "He's almost here, Witcher!" yelled Vesemir. "Adolf Hitler is almost here!"

An army of Nazi Elf Draugr flowed into the Chamber of Death. Lady Feudalism drew Iorverth's sword and began to mercilessly stab and slice at the Nazi Elf Draugr. Christian White smacked them with his ceremonial staff. Ciri used her portal gun to move the Nazi Elf Draugr to the ceiling so they would fall down to the ground and die.

"We'll hold them off," said Lady Feudalism.

"Geralt, you need to go and face Adolf Hitler now," said Vesemir.

Geralt tore open a hole in the side of the Palace of Death using magick, and he looked into the distance. Quickly approaching from the horizon was a giant airship. Geralt summoned the magick carpet and he flew towards the airship.

After a minute, Geralt could make out a figure standing on the bow.

It was Adolf Hitler.

Geralt continued to move closer until he was barely thirty metres away from his archenemy.

Suddenly, Geralt heard magickek-amplified music: Adolf Hitler's theme.

"Finally!" yelled Hitler. "Finally I get to meet you, WITCHER!" And... oh what AN HONOUR it is to meet you!"

"I'm not here to chat," said Geralt. "I'm here to kill you."

"Really?" said Hitler. "You think you have a chance against me?!"

Hitler suddenly discarded the black robe he was wearing, revealing a surprisingly muscled physique.

"I am the White Wolf," said Geralt. "I am the seventh Witcher, I am the future Emperor of the world, I am Geralt of Rivia, holder of the Sword of Death, and it is my destiny to end your life."

"I am the Emperor of the Southern Continent," replied Hitler. "I am the Witchest, so I have magickek which is more powerful than your petty magick. You have no chance to win this fight, Geralt."

"Because I AM LITERALLY HITLER!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hitler's orchestra started to play 'Duel of the Fates'.

Hitler flew up into the air, and shot a massive bolt of lightning at Geralt. Geralt dodged out of the way, and flew the magick carpet further up into the air. Geralt then conjured a massive fireball: bigger than the one he used to wipe out the Himmlers.

He fired it at Adolf Hitler.

Hitler made no attempt to dodge it, instead shielding himself from the flames as they wrapped around him. Then Hitler shot a vaporisation beam at Geralt.

Geralt moved out of the way, and shot a blast of compressed air at Hitler. Hitler blocked the blast with his arm, and fired several discs of energy at Geralt.

Geralt pulled out Smite and blocked the discs. Then Geralt shot some sword beams back at Hitler.

Adolf Hitler moved out of the way, and flew further up into the air, rising up into the atmosphere. Geralt flew the magick carpet up higher, chasing Hitler.

"DIE!" screamed Hitler, shooting lightning down at Geralt.

Geralt dodged, and fired an ice beam at Hitler. Hitler continued to rise up into the atmosphere. The air was getting very thin.

"Can't breathe?" said Hitler. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He shot a barrage of vaporisation beams and lightning bolts at Geralt. Geralt dodged them all, but absorbed one lightning bolt and redirected it straight at Hitler's face.

Hitler dodged.

Geralt was being quickly fatigued in the low air environment.

He flew up to Hitler, and punched Hitler in the stomach. "AARGH!" yelled Hitler.

Geralt then used magick to separate the air around Hitler's head, trying to suffocate Hitler. Hitler deflected the vacuum and redirected it to Geralt's head. Geralt ducked and created another massive fireball, and then shot it at Hitler.

Hitler dodged, and shot a massive vaporisation beam at Geralt. In the thin air, Geralt almost didn't move fast enough. He only just got out of the way, but the vaporisation beam hit the magick carpet, and the magick carpet was no more.

Without the carpet to steady him, Geralt began to fly awkwardly and erratically. Hitler shot a series of compressed air blasts at Geralt, and Geralt failed to dodge them. The air blasts were so strong that Geralt briefly passed out.

Geralt fell down out of the crimson sky, and Hitler followed, shooting vaporisation beams at Geralt.

Geralt awoke just in time, but Hitler airblasted Geralt again, sending him hurtling through the wall of the Palace of Death. Part of the wall crumbled down as Geralt landed in the entrance hall.

Hitler landed gracefully, and drew his sword, with its long red blade. Geralt stood up slowly, and drew the Sword of Death.

Hitler ran forward and sliced.

Geralt parried and stabbed.

Hitler jumped back and stabbed at Geralt.

Geralt parried, and rolled behind Hitler and sliced Hitler's back.

Hitler quickly turned around and blocked the blow with such force that Geralt flew back into the corner of the room. Hitler ran into the corner and stabbed at Geralt.

Geralt parried.

"You will die, Geralt," said Hitler. "Just like how I killed Iorverth and Korin, I shall also kill you."

Hitler sliced at Geralt thrice, and Geralt only barely parried each time. Hitler shot lasers from his eyes at Geralt, and Geralt only barely moved out of the way.

"Come on Witcher, you can do better than that!" mocked Adolf Hitler. Hitler sliced again.

Geralt parried.

Just then, Lady Feudalism, Ciri, and Christian White, fighting the hoard of Nazi Elf Draugr, appeared in the entrance hall.

"Christian Grey..." said Hitler. "I killed you!"

Christian White smiled and winked at Hitler. Hitler, enraged, ran forward at Christian White with his sword.

"Stop it, father," came a voice from the other end of the room. Team Morally Ambiguous had arrived, with Severus Hitler in the lead.

"I killed you as well!" yelled Adolf Hitler. Enraged, Hitler ran forward to kill his son. Hitler sliced at Severus.

Geralt got up and blocked the blow, saving Severus' life. Geralt then sliced and stabbed at Hitler, and Hitler moved back, into the corner.

"DIE, WITCHER!" screamed Hitler, slicing furiously at Geralt. Geralt parried and blocked.

And then Hitler sliced, vertically, one more time. Geralt was too slow to parry, and the slice connected with Geralt's face.

Geralt's vision went red.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Adolf Hitler.

TO BE CONTINUED

IN

THE WITCHER: PART L

THE ASCENSION OF THE WITCHER


	50. Part L

**The Witcher: Part L**

 **The Ascension of the Witcher**

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt has finally retrieved the Sword of Death! Unfortunately, to activate it, he must go against his morals: he must kill Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler has just slashed Geralt's face, and is generally overpowering Geralt in this ultimate battle.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt staggered back, clutching his face. He cast a quick healing spell to repair the damage done by Hitler's slash, leaving an unsightly scar running down his face.

Adolf Hitler charged forward towards Geralt, and sliced at Geralt once more. Geralt used magick to collapse part of the roof of the Palace of Death down on Hitler. Hitler jumped back, as Geralt flew forward, slicing madly at Hitler.

"Go Geralt!" cried Ciri, who was trying to fight off a bunch of Nazi Elf Draugr.

Geralt jumped forward again, and Hitler jumped back, out the front door of the Palace of Death. Geralt sliced at Hitler, and Hitler parried, but he was pushed back by the force of Geralt's slice. Hitler tripped and stumbled and then fell down the steps which lead up to the Palace of Death. Hitler stood up at the bottom of the steps.

"COME ON, MIGHTY WITCHER!" yelled Hitler. "YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!"

Enraged, Geralt jumped down the steps, aiming the Sword of Death at Hitler's chest. Hitler parried, and then used magickek to create a massive snowball. He chucked the snowball at Geralt, and Geralt was knocked quite a bit down the Mountain of Death. Hitler jumped down to where Geralt was, and sliced.

Geralt blocked and then magicked a series of rocks out of the ground, and threw them at Hitler. Hitler destroyed them all using his incredible power, and then Hitler unrooted a nearby tree and threw it at Geralt. Geralt sliced the tree in half with the Sword of Death, and then shot several sword beams at Hitler. Hitler jumped up into the air to dodge the sword beams, and then he came back down, hitting the ground as hard as he could with a massive ground pound.

Geralt jumped to avoid the shockwave of the ground pound. And then the ground started to shake.

"What have you done?" asked Geralt.

"My ground pound has caused... an AVALANCHE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Hitler maniacally.

A wave of white snow was torrenting down the Mountain of Death. Geralt jumped up just as the avalanche passed over, and landed on a rocky platform which was sliding down the mountainside in the avalanche. Hitler had also jumped up, and landed on Geralt's rock.

Hitler sliced at Geralt and Geralt parried and stabbed and Hitler ducked and rolled and sliced at Geralt's back and Geralt jumped up and slashed at Hitler's head. Hitler ducked and punched the rocky platform, causing it to disintegrate. Geralt and Hitler both fell down into the avalanche.

The two were swept down the mountainside, until the rolling avalanche came to an abrupt stop. It had hit the wall of the city of Kaer Morhen. Geralt and Hitler, both mildly fatigued, slowly stood up.

"I'm surprised you've lasted this long, Witcher!" yelled Adolf Hitler. "But... there is but one inevitable result! YOUR DOOM! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hitler flew up to the wall of Kaer Morhen, and used magickek to bring it crumbling down on top of Geralt. Geralt flew up, dodging the falling rubble. Geralt and Hitler both landed on a street in Kaer Morhen. Greybeards were running everywhere, terrified of Adolf Hitler.

Hitler grabbed a nearby music shop with magickek, pulled it out of its foundations, and threw it at Geralt. Geralt blocked the music shop with his sword, and the music shop shattered.

"This is a pretty good sword," said Geralt, admiring the strength of the Sword of Death.

Hitler then grabbed some cars off the road and chucked them at Geralt. Geralt blocked them, but was knocked back by the force of Hitler's throwing. Geralt was thrown back through the wall of a nearby building.

He was surprised to find himself landing in an indoor swimming pool. A bunch of bathing greybeards screamed as Hitler tore down the wall of the swimming pool building and jumped in to follow Geralt.

Geralt tried to fly up, out of the swimming pool. Hitler used magickek to force Geralt's head under the swimming pool. Geralt resisted, pulling his head out of the water, and then sending a torrent of swimming pool water at Adolf Hitler.

Hitler was hit, and he ended up being drenched in the putrid water of the greybeards. Enraged, Hitler went up to all of the greybeards, and sliced his sword at them, massacring male, female, and child greybeards indiscriminately.

"No!" cried Geralt. Geralt rushed forward to stop Hitler from massacring the bathers. He sliced at Hitler with incredible force and incredible anger.

Hitler was pushed back through the wall back onto the road. Geralt jumped through the Hitler-shaped hole in the wall and wildly slashed at Hitler. Hitler rolled out of the way, and ran into another nearby building, away from the wrathful Witcher.

Geralt entered this building, and saw poker tables and dice and tables with stacks of plastic chips.

"Welcome to the Kaer Morhen casino!" said a nearby greybeard to Hitler. It was Wulfgar. "Oh, hi Geralt! What brings you back to Kaer Mor-"

Hitler stabbed his sword through Wulfgar, and Wulfgar was no more.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Hitler. "I am unstoppable!"

Hitler grabbed some poker tables and threw them at Geralt. Geralt collapsed parts of the roof down on Hitler, who rolled out of the way and grabbed tables and rubble and threw them at Geralt.

Geralt dodged and shot a carefully aimed bolt of lightning at Hitler. Hitler dodged the bolt of lightning with superhuman speed and it hit the wall behind Hitler, setting it on fire. Hitler propagated the fire, spreading it across the casino.

"THERE IS NO ESCAPE NOW!" yelled Hitler.

The fire blazed stronger and stronger, and all of the greybeards in the casino got roasted. Geralt shielded himself from the flames, and only just escaped the blazing casino.

Hitler jumped out from the flames and sliced at Geralt at his sword, sending Geralt through several walls to a nearby movie theatre. Hitler jumped forward, following Geralt into the movie theatre.

Coincidentally, the film that was currently on was 'The Last Witcher', up to the final battle scene between Geralt and Hitler. Hitler stood and watched M. Night Shyamalan's masterpiece for a few moments, and then he saw himself get killed.

"This film sucks!" yelled Hitler. And Hitler jumped up to the projectionist, stabbed him, and then destroyed the projector. Geralt jumped up to the projection room, following Hitler. Just then, M. Night Shyamalan entered the projection room.

"Hey, aren't you the Witcher? And aren't you Adolf Hitler?" he asked somewhat confusedly.

"Are you M. Night Shyamalan?" asked Hitler. "Did you make that terrible film?"

"I think it was quite a good film," said M. Night Shyamalan. "It's just that you weren't the right target audi-" Hitler stabbed M. Night Shyamalan and M. Night Shyamalan was no more.

"You didn't have to do that!" yelled Geralt.

"I've done a service to the world!" replied Hitler. Geralt Fus Ro Dah'd Hitler, pushing Hitler back through several walls onto the road once again.

Geralt jumped out of the movie theatre area, and jumped onto a nearby tractor.

"Hi," said Geralt to the greybeard driving the tractor. And then Geralt pushed the driver aside, and commandeered the tractor. He drove it straight towards the prone form of Hitler.

Hitler rolled out of way, and sent a cleverly aimed rock at the engine of the tractor. The tractor exploded, and Geralt and the greybeard were chucked out.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitler. Hitler then summoned a massive thunderstorm, and the red sky turned dark.

Hitler directed numerous lightning bolts at Geralt, and Geralt rolled around, dodging them. Many buildings and greybeards were hit by stray lightning bolts, causing massive fires to spread across Kaer Morhen.

Geralt jumped up on the side of a hotel building to avoid the lightning bolts. Then, Hitler laughed, and conjured a massive tornado. The tornado moved through the hotel building, destroying it, and Hitler aimed another set of lightning bolts at Geralt.

Geralt dodged, as the tornado whipped through Kaer Morhen, destroying many buildings. Greybeards ran screaming through the streets.

While Geralt was dodging through the streets, he saw a sign with a world map on it. Geralt stopped for a moment and looked at the Mountain of Death on the map: it was coloured red.

"Aha!" said Geralt.

The Palace of Death was largely destroyed. Countless numbers of Nazi Elf Draugr were flooding the Chamber of Death. Severus, Lady Feudalism, Communist O'Lenin, Klippi, Ciri, and Christian White stood back to back, joined in their bid for survival.

Lady Feudalism and Severus were working together: conjuring fireballs and lightning to destroy swathes of Nazi Elf Draugr. Likewise, Ciri and Klippi were fighting together, with Ciri using her portal gun to stop Nazi Elf Draugr from reaching Klippi. Christian White was fighting alone, smacking Nazi Elf Draugr with his ceremonial staff. Communist O'Lenin had managed to brainwash a number of Nazi Elf Draugr using communist propaganda, and they were now fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Hitler's orchestra were also in the same room (having landed the airship), installing some unusual mechanical equipment on the ground.

Geralt and Hitler had now left Kaer Morhen. They were once again swordfighting on the snowy mountainside.

Geralt then used magick to drill a massive hole down into the mountain. There was a sudden release of pressure, and lava started to spill out of the ground. The Mountain of Death, as it turned out, was a dormant volcano. Geralt directed the hot lava at Hitler, who dodged and redirected the lava at Geralt. Geralt cast a magick spell to protect himself from being burned, as the lava surrounded him.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitler, as he forced Geralt down the hole, into the lava inside the mountain. And then Hitler sealed the hole shut.

Geralt was quickly tiring, stuck in the hot lava. If even for a moment he lost concentration, he would sublime. The magma currents sent Geralt slowly up the mountain, until he was underneath the summit.

With all of his might, Geralt tore open the crust, and escaped the magma, finding himself back in the ruins of the Palace of Death. Unfortunately, he released a whole lot of pressure, and lava started to spill out. The Mountain of Death was erupting.

Using magic, Lady Feudalism and Severus deflected the lava flow from incinerating them and their teams, and Hitler's orchestra (who they didn't view as much of a threat). The lava flow went over the Nazi Elf Draugr, incinerating them all.

Geralt was dismayed for a moment at all the lives he had inadvertently ended.

The pyroclastic flow then went down the mountain, right towards Adolf Hitler. Hitler jumped up, and flew up the mountain, back to what remained of the Chamber of Death. Team Witcher and Team Morally Ambiguous looked in fear at Adolf Hitler.

"You survive, Geralt," said Hitler, landing back near Geralt. "Just as you, Severus, my son, have survived. Just as you, Christian Grey, have survived. Well, after today, none of you will live any longer. In fact, I will eliminate every muggle on this damn planet! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Geralt ran forward to attack Hitler, but Hitler quickly retreated to his orchestra.

"PREPARE THE WEAPON!" cried Hitler. The orchestra quickly assembled a variety of mechanical items around Hitler, and it soon became clear what they were building.

"I AM MECHA-HITLER!" yelled Hitler.

Mecha-Hitler charged forward, and punched Geralt, striking Geralt in the face. Geralt fell backwards, shocked at the insane speed of Mecha-Hitler. Hitler's orchestra started to play 'Battle of the Heroes'.

"Shouldn't we be doing something?" asked Communist O'Lenin to Severus.

"Shh... just wait..." said Severus.

Geralt magicked one of the black monoliths towards Mecha-Hitler, but it didn't appear to do any damage. Mecha-Hitler then fired a laser beam at Geralt, and Geralt blocked it using the Sword of Death. Mecha-Hitler then knocked down a part of the wall of the Chamber of Death, and grabbed the rubble and threw it at Geralt.

Geralt jumped up, but he was too slow, being knocked back by the extreme speed of the barrage. Mecha-Hitler then grabbed a few of the black monoliths, and threw them at Geralt. Geralt dodged, and directed some lava towards the Mecha-Hitler. Mecha-Hitler was clearly damaged by this attack.

Geralt then shot some lightning at Mecha-Hitler, damaging his electrical systems. Mecha-Hitler started to smoke, and then it exploded, sending Adolf Hitler hurtling out of the mech-suit.

Geralt was just about to capitalise on this, when Hitler's orchestra quickly ran up to him with yet another mech-suit. Except this one was even bigger: at least fifteen metres tall. And it had a giant rocket launcher strapped to its left arm.

"I AM MEGA-MECHA-HITLER!" screamed Hitler. "AND YOU WILL DIE, YOU STUPID MORONIC WITCHER!"

Mega-Mecha-Hitler shot seven rockets at Geralt, and Geralt blocked them all with his sword, being knocked back slightly each time.

"Come on Geralt!" cried Lady Feudalism, who was somewhat idle at this point.

"We should do something," whispered Klippi to Severus.

"Not... yet," said Severus.

Just then, Vesemir charged in, with a sword. Mega-Mecha-Hitler shot a series of rockets at Vesemir.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Geralt.

But it was too late; Vesemir was no more.

Mega-Mecha-Hitler then tried to stamp on Geralt. Geralt jumped up, and held onto Mega-Mecha-Hitler's leg. Mega-Mecha-Hitler aimed his rocket launcher at Geralt. And then, just as Mega-Mecha-Hitler fired, Geralt jumped out of the way.

Mega-Mecha-Hitler had just shot himself in the foot, causing the entire mech-suit to collapse. Adolf Hitler climbed out of smoking wreckage of the mech-suit. He walked up to the centre of the Chamber of Death, and he drew his sword.

Geralt drew Smite in his left hand and the Sword of Death in his right hand, dual-wielding. The atmosphere was incredibly tense as Geralt and Hitler circled each other for the final fight.

"This is it," said Geralt, incredibly tired and fatigued. "One of us is going to die after this battle, and it isn't going to be me!"

"YOUR END IS NIGH, WITCHER!" screamed Adolf Hitler. "I WILL KILL YOU AND THEN I'LL KILL SEVERUS AND THEN I'LL KILL EVERYONE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hitler charged forward and sliced angrily. Geralt parried, and stabbed back. Hitler rolled behind Geralt and sliced his back.

Geralt blocked.

Hitler slashed.

Geralt stabbed.

Hitler parried.

Geralt slashed.

Hitler parried, but the blow was so strong that Hitler's sword fell to the ground. Hitler fell to his knees.

"You have bested me, Witcher..." said Hitler sadly. "I am defeated."

"FINISH HIM!" yelled Lady Feudalism. "FOR YOUR FATHER! FINISH HIM FOR IORVERTH!"

Geralt looked at Hitler, and swung the Sword of Death towards Hitler's neck.

However, in that moment, Geralt looked into Hitler's eyes. And in those eyes, Geralt saw Severus. Geralt saw Admiral Ackbar. And in those eyes, Geralt saw the helpless eyes of the witch-child that Geralt refused to kill all that time ago.

Geralt remembered his morality. He remembered who he was.

Geralt stopped, with the Sword of Death a mere inch from Hitler's neck.

"No," said Geralt. "I'm not a killer." And then Geralt dropped his swords, and they clattered to the ground.

"You are such a coward, Geralt," said Hitler. And then Hitler grabbed his sword and stabbed Geralt in the chest.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Lady Feudalism. Geralt staggered back, and fell over backwards.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitler.

Severus turned to Communist O'Lenin and Klippi. "This... this is my chance," he said.

And then Severus jumped forward, and picked up the Sword of Death.

"My son, YOU WILL DIE!" yelled Hitler. Severus sliced at Hitler. Hitler parried, clearly fatigued from his battle against Geralt.

But Severus was fresh. Severus stabbed again, and this time, Hitler was too slow.

The Sword of Death was stabbed right into Hitler's chest.

Adolf Hitler looked down, in shock, at the sword embedded in his chest.

Hitler shook his head. "Nein," he said.

The skin on Hitler's chest began to blacken.

"Nein!" yelled Hitler.

Hitler's skin began to flake off into the air.

"NEIN!" screamed Hitler. "NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIN!"

And then Hitler exploded and was no more. Severus held up the Sword of Death, victoriously.

Meanwhile, Ciri, Christian White, and Lady Feudalism ran up to the mortally wounded Geralt, who was lying on the black stone of the Chamber of Death. Hitler's orchestra started to play some really sad violin music.

"At least... I was true... to my morals..." said Geralt.

"You can heal yourself, can't you?" said Lady Feudalism.

"I'm afraid... that this is... the end," said Geralt.

"Geralt! Don't die!" said Ciri.

"From now on... your only hope... is him," said Geralt, pointing at Severus.

"He... is the new ruler of the world, not me... And... you need... to live with that..."

Just then, a white door appeared at the end of the Chamber of Death. It opened, and an angelic looking man with white hair stepped out.

"My name is Jesus Christ, the first Witcher," said the man. "It is time for Geralt, the seventh Witcher, to ascend to the realm of Witchers, in Heaven."

"Why? Can't you heal him?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"His time on Rivia is up," said Jesus. "The Seventh Age is over. Geralt has succeeded on his quest. It is time for him to go."

"But he didn't succeed!" said Lady Feudalism. "He never activated the Sword of Death! He was never emperor of the world!"

"That was never the goal of his quest," replied Jesus. "Severus was always destined to be emperor of the world. Geralt's destiny was to stop Hitler. And now he is done and now he must go."

Geralt slowly stood up, clutching his wound.

He turned to Christian White.

"Christian White... you have proved to me that... people can change... that morally ambiguous anti-heroes can become heroes. And for that... I salute you."

"Thank you, Geralt," said Christian White. Geralt turned to Ciri.

"Ciri of Cintra... you have been a good, wise friend on this journey. I shall miss you and your... sense of humour."

"Goodbye, Geralt," said Ciri, sniffling a bit. Geralt turned to Lady Feudalism.

"Lady Feudalism... Grace..."

"I love you!" interjected Lady Feudalism, melodramatically.

"I know," said Geralt. "Thank you for being a loyal companion. I'm sorry the romance thing never worked out, but... never mind." Lady Feudalism was silently crying.

And finally, Geralt turned to Severus.

"Severus Hitler... you are the future of Rivia. Please be a good world emperor. I've put a lot of work into Rivia and it'd be a shame if you screwed it all up."

"I promise, I'll be a good ruler," vowed Severus.

"Thank you," said Geralt, finally. "And goodbye." And then Geralt and Jesus walked together into the light, and the door shut behind them, and then disappeared altogether.

Ciri, Christian White, and Lady Feudalism silently turned to Severus. Through the collapsed roof, they could see the red sky turning blue once more. The lava that covered the ground slowly solidified to rock.

Lady Feudalism knelt to the ground and picked up Smite, Geralt's gold sword, and put it with Iorverth's sword.

Team Witcher, Team Morally Ambiguous, and Hitler's orchestra followed Severus out the front door.

"I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to," said Severus to the assembled crowd, as he stood on the steps. "You can swear allegiance to me now, and follow me, or we can go our separate ways."

Christian White stepped forward. "Severus... I will follow you," he said. "I hereby swear allegiance to you, Severus Hitler."

Then the spindly man from Hitler's orchestra stepped forward. "Severus, we will follow you," he said. "We also swear allegiance."

Then Ciri also stepped forward. "I will... respect your authority," she said tentatively.

Then, Severus turned to Lady Feudalism. "Grace?" he asked.

Lady Feudalism walked up to Severus. "I swear allegiance to you, Severus," she said. And then she looked into Severus' eyes. And then they leaned towards each other and they kissed.

"Thank you, Grace," said Severus.

Severus' party were passing through Kaer Morhen. They stood at the edge of the city, near the gates. The city was largely destroyed by the fight Adolf Hitler and Geralt had. The streets were littered with the bodies of greybeards who had died due to the battle.

Ciri walked up to Severus and Lady Feudalism. "I've decided to stay in Kaer Morhen," she said. "I waited over a hundred years to make this journey, and now that I'm here, I want to stay and help them rebuild and stuff. I reckon Kaer Morhen is my type of place anyway."

"Very well," said Lady Feudalism.

Then Klippi ran up to Severus and Lady Feudalism. "I want to stay here as well to uh... help with the rebuilding," he said.

"Oh, fine," said Ciri.

"I looooove you," said Klippi.

"I know," replied Ciri. "You can stay with me if you really want to."

"Yay!" said Klippi.

"I suppose I won't see you again," said Lady Feudalism to Ciri.

"Goodbye, Lady Feudalism," said Ciri.

"Farewell, Ciri," said Lady Feudalism.

And Ciri and Klippi ran off together, arm in arm into the distance.

"So, where are we going to next?" asked Christian White.

"I was thinking... I'll make Vizima the world capital," replied Severus.

"I'm going home," said Lady Feudalism.

"We're going home," said Severus.

They kissed again, and Lady Feudalism, Severus, Christian White, Communist O'Lenin, and the 48-man orchestra began their journey home.

Epilogue:

Now, we will find out what happened to all of our heroes, and anti-heroes.

Upon returning to Vizima, Severus installed a feudalistic world government.

Communist O'Lenin created a communist political movement, but it never really took off in his lifetime.

Christian White became ordained as a priest in the Christian Church, and he was eventually installed as archbishop.

Ciri and Klippi lived together for a short time, rebuilding Kaer Morhen and enjoying the facilities Kaer Morhen had to offer. After six months, Klippi died due to old age. Ciri lived another ten years, before dying peacefully at the age of 137.

Lady Feudalism and Severus were eventually married, and Severus took her name (wanting to remove any links with his father Adolf), becoming Emperor Severus Feudalism. They had seven children, and in later years, it was generally agreed by historians that Emperor Severus was one of the better emperors of the early Feudalism dynasty.

Balance was restored to Rivia.

And as for Geralt... he spent his days in the realm of Witchers, dining and drinking with the previous six Witchers. Geralt's work was done. Or so he thought...

THE END


End file.
